Life is Stronger Than Death
by CameoAmalthea
Summary: A prequel to Advent Children based on the official canon novella "The Case of Shinra". This is the untold story of the Turks and their leader, Rufus Shinra.
1. Love is Stronger Than Death

Disclaimer: This fic is based on the Canon Novella On The Way To A Smile: The Case of Shinra, full credit to **Kazushige Nojima. **

_Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death - Unknown_

_for Licoriceallsorts _

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><p>The Temple of the Ancients loomed above the dense foliage of the surrounding jungle. The ruins sat in a lush valley, nestled among green mountains. While most of the world lay in the depths of winter, here at the southern tip of the East most continent there was no December chill, only sticky heat that hung in air along with the thick mists that shrouded the vine choked ruins. The howl of wind replaced by the calls of tropical birds. Life thrived abundantly in this place.<p>

Within the walls of the ruins, a man lay on dying. He leaned against the temple's wall, hand clutched to the side, but still more blood gushed out, pulsing with every heartbeat. A crimson pool formed around his body, mingling with dust of the ancient stones.

As he slowly bleed out, the man wondered how many had already died by Sephiroth's blade and how many more would perish in the days to come. Sephiroth, a SOLDIER without match; he was once Shin-ra Company's greatest weapon, but now he was a nightmare from which there was no escape.

A mission had brought Tseng to this place. For a long time assignments and orders were the only forces driving his life, as though Tseng had no will of his own. Perhaps it was the truth. He was a member of an organization which was meant to put orders above all else. In truth, he was far more than a mere member. Tseng was the leader of the Shin-ra Company's Department of Administrative Research, or as they were more commonly referred to as, the "Turks".

He'd been sent to obtain an ancient stone known as the "Black Materia". All Materia held power, but some were far more powerful than others. There were even Materia powerful enough to destroy the world itself. That, Tseng feared, was exactly what Sephiroth intended.

Tseng had hoped to retrieve the Black Materia and be gone before Sephiroth ever knew the Turks had been there, but things rarely worked out as well as he hoped. He was lucky Sephiroth hadn't killed him instantly, but by some miracle the sword seemed to have missed anything vital.

All the same, Tseng knew he was bleeding out and there was nothing to be done about it. His eyes were heavy. All he wanted was to let sleep take him, and he knew that if he did he would not wake again.

Tseng was prepared to accept death.

That's when she appeared; Aerith and her friends. Her friends, his enemies; either way it was all the same. Tseng supposed he was her enemy too. Because Shin-ra was her enemy that was all he could ever be to Aerith.

Yet, Aerith meant so much to him. She was the one person he'd ever thought of as his. No, that wasn't true.

There were two people Tseng had always considered his. His relationship to each of them was similar in function. Each began as an assignment when they were only children. In fact, he met Rufus and Aerith around the same time, but it was Rufus who had been his first official mission as a Turk.

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><p>He'd met Rufus Shinra when the boy was only three years old. Tseng was ten years old, technically too young to be assigned to anything, but playing babysitter to a sheltered child was hardly high risk. It was also Veld's intention that Rufus grow up with Tseng in his life, at first as a companion and later as a bodyguard. Veld wanted the Turk assigned to Rufus to be a constant in the boy's life. The life expectancy for a Turk isn't the longest, so it was best to give someone Rufus young. For this purpose Veld had chosen a boy who would one day become a Turk. This ensured the chosen Turk would have years before he'd face life-threatening missions.<p>

Perhaps there was more to the choice than that. Tseng had always been Veld's protégé and perhaps even then Veld saw something in Tseng and intended to groom a successor. Perhaps his intention was for the future of the Turks and the future of Shin-ra to be bound together by lifelong trust and familiarity. If that was the case then being given Rufus Shinra was even more of an honor. It meant that not only did Veld entrust him to eventually be the one to guard the President's son, but to one day become the leader of the Turks themselves.

Long ago in less enlightened times when slavery was still practiced, there had been a custom of raising a slave alongside the Master's children. The slave was to learn loyalty through familiarity and love. This slave would be a watchdog to the children; loyal, fiercely protective, and always there. This is what Tseng was meant to be for Rufus Shinra.

Tseng had met the President for the first time the day he met Rufus. Veld had advised President Shinra that having a Turk assigned to Rufus one day would be a good security measure and the President had agreed to meet the Turk Veld had in mind. The director introduced Tseng as the one he'd chosen to assign to Rufus.

Tseng held out to hand to shake hands with the President, but he hadn't taken it.

"Tseng, eh?" asked the President. "You're Wutaian?"

Tseng put his hand down, pushing down the pang of embarrassment. "I was born and raised in Midgar, sir," said Tseng.

"His mother was an old friend," said Veld. "Tseng has been under my care for years, there's no Turk I'd recommend more highly for this assignment."

"Well, he's a bit young, but then so is Rufus. Children guarding children is it?" asked the President.

"Tseng won't actually be on this assignment for quite some time. Think of him as Rufus's future personal bodyguard," said Veld. "For now, all that matters is to give Rufus someone he can trust, because there may come a time when he will have to trust Tseng with his life."

"Yes, yes, I suppose you're right," he said. "All right, come along, then. I'll let you meet the whelp."

He'd followed alongside Veld as the President led the way to his lavish penthouse. Once inside the President called for his son.

The boy came bounding out. Duck fluff blonde hair, big blue eyes and a child's carefree grin.

"Daddy!" he cried. Arms extended upwards in the universal sign of a child asking to be picked up.

The President looked down at his son with a mixture of disinterest and annoyance. "Rufus! How many times have I told you not to run in the house?" he barked. The President crossed his arms. "I'll have to have a word with that nanny of yours. See to it she gives you proper discipline."

"Sorry," said Rufus. Wide blue eyes now rimmed with tears he tried to wipe away before anyone could see. Luckily, his father wasn't paying him any attention at the moment but was instead looking at Tseng.

"Rufus, I want you to meet Tseng," said the President. "One day it'll be his job to look after you."

At that moment Tseng had to fight the urge to pick up the boy and comfort him. As he looked down at Rufus he couldn't help but feel sorry for the young prince. Tseng had met Veld's family. He'd seen the way Veld's daughter Felicia, who was about the same age as Rufus, would run to Veld. Veld would scoop her up in his arms and hold her like he would never let go. Tseng didn't know much about children, but he knew enough to know that what Rufus most needed was a hug. He also knew, even then, that it was not his place to comfort the boy.

All he could do was his duty. At that moment he swore that he would protect Rufus Shinra, even if it meant giving his own life. He didn't know what that meant at the time, not really, but never the less Tseng swore himself to his task. It was the first mission he would be given as a Turk, and Tseng knew even then that it would be a lifelong assignment.

The same year he met Aerith; at the time she was just an infant in her mother's arms. Tseng hadn't understood Veld's intentions at the time. Why had Veld brought him here? Why introduce him to this woman, Ifalna? What did she have to do with anything?

Ifalna had looked at him for a long moment. To Tseng it felt as if the woman had looked through him and seen every inch of his being. Like she knew him better than he knew himself, and had seen his whole life before he'd lived it. He didn't want to meet her eyes anymore. He wanted to back away, but couldn't bring himself to move. So he'd looked anywhere else. His eyes landed on the baby in her arms.

"Do you want to hold her?" asked Ifalna. Her voice was so sweet that Tseng wondered how this woman had unnerved him.

All the same, he shook his head no. Tseng didn't want to hold the baby. Indeed, what Tseng wanted most was to flee the room.

"I couldn't," said Tseng.

"Go on," said Veld.

Tseng had no idea why Veld was encouraging him to hold the baby, but if Veld wanted him to hold the baby, he'd do as he was told.

Ifalna smiled at Tseng, and moved to pass him the baby. She showed him how to hold her. "Support her head," she said, "like that, there you go."

Then the baby opened her eyes and looked up at him. Looked into him as much as her mother had.

"This is Aerith," said Ifalna.

The baby's arms flailed upwards as though she were reaching out for him. Tseng gave her his hand and the tiny fist closed around his finger.

Aerith was his second assignment.

"She's a very special girl, I want you to watch over her, Tseng," Veld had said. "That child may be the most important thing in the world, not just for Shin-ra, but for all of us." So Tseng watched her from a distance. Hojo would not allow much access to the child, and it wasn't until years later that they finally spoke.

In many ways Rufus and Aerith were similar assignments, each a child born to a greater destiny and each a prisoner in their own way. Aerith, while actually a prisoner, seemed better off than Rufus. Aerith had her mother and seemed happy. Meanwhile, Rufu's father ignored the boy, except when he was scolding him. His mother seemed loving enough, but most of Rufus's life was spent in the care of nannies or off at boarding schools designed to build character.

Rufus once confided in Tseng that he hated the places, but of course, Rufus didn't dare say a word of protest. He seemed to take these things as a challenge set out by his father. There was one thing Tseng could say for President Shinra's parenting methods: it encouraged Rufus to rise to any challenge without complaint, a quality that would serve him well.

So it was this task Tseng was bound to, protecting two prisoners who he had no hope of rescuing. After Ifalna and Aerith's escape and Ifalna's resulting death, Tseng realized how complicated his situation truly was. He was not the sort of man to quote Loveless or compare his life to some epic tragedy, but he knew the future would prove difficult. Aerith was his to watch over and protect, but there would come a day Shin-ra would order him to bring her back and he would follow orders without question because he was a Turk.

He wondered again then why Veld had pushed for him to get to know Aerith, to care for her. Perhaps, as with Rufus, he hoped the Cetra would come to trust him. Perhaps Veld knew one day Aerith would run away and hoped that eventually Aerith would return to Shin-ra with Tseng on her own accord. Then again, maybe Veld simply knew Tseng had a strong emotional side, perhaps he thought Tseng had more heart than a Turk should rightly have and thought to use this weakness as a tool. Tseng cared, and so Veld made it so he cared for his charges, for Rufus and for Aerith. Tseng was a good watchdog, because his loyalty was born of love.

Still, at the end of the day Rufus and Aerith were assignments and Tseng was a Turk.

Tseng had always known the time would come when Shin-ra ordered them to bring Aerith in, and he would be forced to carry out that mission. Tseng had hoped that things would be easier with Rufus because they were on the same side. Tseng was a servant of Shin-ra and Rufus was heir apparent. Unfortunately, things are never so simple.

Tseng supposed Rufus's betrayal shouldn't have been so surprising. Rufus Shinra was the man his father had raised him to be. In his way, Rufus was still a little boy desperate for his father's attention and approval. Somewhere along the line he decided that the only way to get either was to destroy his father, to defeat his father and prove himself a worthy successor. Somewhere along the line Rufus had given up on the idea that he could earn his father's love and praise and settled for the next best thing. Although Rufus might have other reasons of his own, the President had made many enemies over the years. It wasn't a stretch to believe he could make an enemy out of his own son. This was especially true given the fate of Rufus's late mother.

Killing Tseng along with the rest of the Turks hadn't mattered to Rufus at the time. To him collateral damage mattered as little as the loss of pawns in a game of chess. Rufus was on the verge of adulthood then, but in many ways he had been such a child, so very immature.

Still Tseng hadn't given up on him, even then. After Rufus was captured, the President had ordered the Turks to keep Rufus confined indefinitely.

Tseng wondered at the time why the President had spared Rufus. The man was many things, but merciful was certainly not one of them. At the time there was a part of Tseng that wanted nothing more than to kill Rufus for what he'd done, even as there was a part of Tseng that still loved him. Love was a dangerous sort of emotion, like the wax coated fuse on an explosive that stays lit even as you try to snuff it out.

Perhaps the President had spared Rufus because he realized the worst punishment he could give the boy was to simply ignore him.

When Tseng had informed him of the President's decision Rufus had responded by asking, "So I take it my father isn't going to order my death then?"

Rufus Shinra was, for the most part, impossible to read, but Tseng wondered if he was disappointed on some level. If Rufus had been prepared to take the bullet. Tseng could picture Rufus facing him as he drew his gun. Tseng would have ordered him to turn around, and Rufus would have told him he preferred to face his execution and that he wasn't afraid. Rufus would have met his gaze unflinching as he faced the loaded gun. Tseng wasn't sure if he would have been able to carry out that execution. Tseng was furious; he could have easily beaten Rufus within an inch of his life, but kill him? No, Rufus was his and had always been his, or rather Tseng was Rufus's. Tseng was his protector, his mentor, and his constant.

It was fortunate for Tseng that the President's orders had been no more severe than keeping Rufus confined. He had known there were going to be difficult choices ahead and one less order he was loath to carry out was all the better. Rufus was punished, of course; Tseng was furious and Rufus needed to learn the meaning of consequence. However, Tseng also meant for him to learn that Tseng was still on his side, even if Rufus had yet to earn forgiveness. The Turks would be his one-day, and Tseng hoped Rufus would come to value that fact, and value them. They would be his Turks and he would be their President.

Perhaps it was as Veld had intended all along. He wanted Tseng to bond to Rufus and Rufus to bond to Tseng so that in turn the whole of the Turks could be bound to the one they served. The plan seemed to have gone well when Rufus was younger. Rufus had taken to Reno, and it seemed that if Rufus had had a say in what he did with his life he might have wanted to be a Turk. However, they had lost Rufus along the way, but now his confinement would prove an opportunity to set things right.

The Turks would offer Rufus what he always wanted, acceptance, approval, and (in the strange way the department functioned as one) a family. Rufus would have to earn forgiveness, and because of Rufus's action they had nearly lost one of their own which would make things difficult. However, Tseng had kept faith that things might yet go well with this assignment.

In the end, Tseng's faith had been rewarded. Rufus had saved them all. They say a life you save is a life you own, and for what Rufus had done he'd more than atoned; he'd won the Turk's loyalty for life. There was a time when it seemed all was lost, but somehow everything turned out all right in the end.

With Aerith, Tseng had always known he would not be so lucky. It had never been easy with Aerith.

The first time she spoke to him she had been to thank him. Her words had caught him utterly off guard. She was still a child then, but had been living a new life free from Shin-ra's clutches for years. Tseng had watched her. Tseng would be the one to bring her back one-day, and she had no idea. The first thing she ever said to him was "Thank you for your hard work, as always."

When Tseng made no reply Aerith had continued. "You're protecting me, aren't you?" She was so innocent. At times, Tseng felt unworthy to be anywhere near Aerith. Tseng was a killer. Even back then he'd taken lives and done his share of dirty deeds in Shin-ra's name, and Aerith didn't deserve to have him darkening her door. Aerith was majesty and light, in her eyes Tseng saw not his own reflection, but all the good things left in the world.

You're the one protecting me, aren't you?

Tseng had told her the truth, he wouldn't let her mistake him for a hero. He was from Shin-ra. Aerith's features had grown cold then. "I hate Shin-ra," she'd said before running off. At the time he thought it was right for her to run, because to her Shin-ra was the enemy, and so was he.

It was all he could ever be to her, and he had kept that in mind when the time came to take her away. He had acted like the monster she'd expect an agent of Shin-ra to be. If he could do nothing else for Aerith, he could at least meet her expectations. Things didn't have to be as complicated for Aerith as they were for him. She would never have to question how he could do such a thing. He would be evil because what more would she expect from an agent of Shin-ra.

Reno had asked why he'd been so cruel: why the pretense? Reno knew Tseng didn't enjoy the assignment, but there was no choice. His department had narrowly escaped elimination for their earlier transgressions; the Turk's loyalty, his loyalty, could not be called into question again. It was Rufus who had defended the Turk's and convinced the President to spare them, to trust them. If the trust proved misguided it was Rufus who would pay.

Tseng might have been willing to forfeit his life for Aerith, but his life wasn't his to give. His life belonged to Rufus; he could not betray Shin-ra and throw his life away after all Rufus had done.

Tseng told Reno that it wasn't pretense at all, but he doubted his subordinate understood his explanations. Still, Tseng believed it was far worse to be hurt by someone who claimed to love you, than hurt by someone you knew to be heartless. Tseng was a Shin-ra employee, and he wouldn't let Aerith forget that fact.

Even now as he lay dying, his last chance to say all the things that had been left unsaid, he did not let himself speak those words. No apologies. Aerith was his, and he loved her, but could never belong to Aerith the way he belonged to Rufus. Despite the similarity in assignments and in the love he felt for the two people he'd been charged to look after, this was the key difference.

Besides, what good was saying anything now? She shouldn't have to mourn; Tseng had not earned that from her. So even now, he said what she would have expected him to say.

"Damn…letting Aerith go was the start… of my… bad luck," Tseng said. He could barely speak; the pain was too great. They were harsh words, but he got the response he wanted, an equally harsh reply. Aerith stepped up, put her hands on her hips and chastised him.

It was exactly what he expected her to say. What he _wanted_ her to say. All the same, he'd be of as much help as he could. Ignoring the pain, Tseng forced himself to his feet and made his way to Cloud.

"The keystone," he paused to grimace in pain, "place it…on...the altar." It was so difficult to stand and talk, but he had to do this. Give them the key, show them how to gain access to temple. They could figure out the rest from there. Even if they were his enemies, they faced an even greater foe.

They'd been wrong about Sephiroth, it was never the Promised Land the he was after. Sephiroth wanted to destroy the world, and all he needed was that Materia. They could not let him have it. So Tseng told them how to access the inner sanctum, and he saw tears in Aerith's eyes.

She would not help him. She would leave him here to die. Yet, all the same she still had tears to shed for him.

Cloud looked at Aerith. "You're crying?" he asked. The soldier wanted to comfort her, that much Tseng could tell. He was glad that at least someone remained who could look after her; someone who wouldn't fail her.

"Tseng's with our enemy, the Turks, but I've known him since we were little," said Aerith. She let out a sigh then continued. "There's not a lot of people I can say that about. In fact there are probably only a handful of people in world who really know me."

Even after everything Tseng had done; all the reasons he did not deserve her pity, she still had tears for him as he was now.

Once she was gone, Tseng sighed, he felt so tired. At least now he could rest. He'd done all he could for her, for his Turks, and Shin-ra. All that was left now was to wait for death to take him. Tseng thought of Rufus, and hoped the he would be all right without him. Rufus knew the risk they faced, and Tseng had given all he could give for him.

**AN: **

**This Fic will draw from other fics I've written, because I'd like to incorporate some of the things I developed for one shots into a longer fic.**

**Additionally, this fic takes place in the same continuity as my fanfics "Orphans" and "Pedigree", but reading those isn't strictly necessary for understanding this.**

**As with the novella on which this was based knowledge of the original game and Before Crisis may make things easier to understand, but I will endeavor to make this a fic anyone can read, even without extensive background knowledge. For more on BC check out Gun Shot Romance, Youtube, or LicoriceAllSorts' fic "Death is Part of the Process". **

**This fic is dedicated to Licoriceallsorts, you're an inspiration. With special thanks to Midnight and Twin Kats.**


	2. A Sacredness in Tears

_"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." _

_- Washington Irving_

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><p>The clouds hung low in the sky over Midgar. Outside, it was a cold dreary day but inside the Turk's offices the weather outside didn't matter. The blinds were pulled shut, the heat was running and the electric lighting provided a steady fluorescent brightness day or night, every day of the year. Nothing changed here on their floor of the Shin-ra building. Everything looked the same.<p>

Elena didn't like that. Things shouldn't look the same, because they weren't. Things shouldn't just go on as if nothing had happened. Tseng was dead.

She marched up to Reno's desk, towering over her superior. He looked up from his computer. Elena could tell he was annoyed, but she wasn't about to leave him alone.

"You have to let me go after them!" shouted Elena. She hadn't meant to shout. She hadn't even realized her voice was raised until she heard herself speak. She took a breath and tried to keep her throat from clenching. She was a Turk; she was better than that.

"Excuse me?" said Reno. He leaned back in his chair. "Last time I checked, I was your superior. That means you," he pointed at Elena, "don't tell me what _I," _he gestured to himself, "have to do. You take orders from me, and I am ordering you to drop it."

Reno turned back to his computer, but Elena made not move to leave.

"You expect me to let this go?" she asked. "After what they did to Tseng? You're just going to let them get away with it?"

He sighed, and pushed his chair back from his desk, fishing in his jacket for a pack of cigarettes. Elena wrinkled her nose, Reno wasn't allowed to smoke in the office; he only smoked when he was on break.

"We don't even know what happened to Tseng It could have been Sephiroth, it could have been AVALANCHE, I don't know," said Reno. He lit his cigarette and took a long drag. "What I do know is that right now revenge is not in our job description. You know what is? Following orders. Look, Elena, I'm sorry about what happened, you know how much I am or maybe you don't, but Tseng…" Reno sighed and shook his head.

"Then why won't you let me go after them?"

"You aren't in your right mind, kid," said Reno. "Besides, Tseng wouldn't want us to lose sight of what we're here to do. The Turks may loose members, but we carry on. Now if that's all, can you go? I've got to finish this paper work, this afternoon Rude and I are taking the President to Junon."

"Junon?" asked Elena.

"Heidegger finally got the airship ready, most of the executives are headin' north. They say they've found the Promised Land." Reno looked around for an ashtray. When he found there wasn't one he got to his feet and made his way towards the break room.

"Are you going with them?" asked Elena, trailing along behind him.

"Nah, can't be spared," said Reno. He grabbed an ashtray off the counter. It was already full of cigarette butts, so he had stopped by the waste bin to dump it before heading back to his desk.

Elena couldn't help but stare at that. How much had he been smoking? Reno had never been a chain smoker. Maybe it was getting him more than he let on, but how could he seem so calm. Years of being a Turk? Was it possible to get used to death?

"There's too few of us, not enough to do everything that needs to be done. Rude's going to look after the President, I'm staying in Junon to await orders."

"What do you want me to do?" asked Elena.

"Take the night off," he suggested. "Go home, get some rest? Hell! Go out and get plastered. I'd go with you but I ain't got the time." He flopped back into his chair.

"So I'm off duty?" asked Elena.

"Yeah," said Reno. "It's the least I can do."

Elena nodded and left, heading for the elevator. However, as she reached for the button to indicate she was going down she hesitated. She was off duty, which meant she didn't have to listen to Reno at the moment. She could do what she wanted, and what she wanted was to make AVALANCHE pay.

She pushed the up button. She could take one of the spare choppers and go after them on her own. They were probably going North too, so Icicle Inn would be a good place to start.

Elena stepped into the elevator and the doors slid shut behind her. Again she felt herself hesitate before pushing the button. What was she doing? She was Turk. She couldn't deliberately disobey a superior's orders. What would Tseng have said? What would her sister say if she ever found out?

She thought back to her first day on the job. The first time she'd ever set foot in this elevator. That day, all Elena could think about was her sister.

On her first day Elena had pressed the button for the Turks' floor and couldn't believe she was doing this. Her sister had been a Turk, and she had sworn she wouldn't become her sister, or maybe a part of her was terrified that she'd never be good enough to come close. Still, here she was, all dressed and ready to go.

Maybe in the end, becoming a Turk had been a forgone conclusion for her. Not that she was particularly gifted with the attributes that made a good Turk, whatever those were. In truth she was naturally clumsy, forgetful, disorganized, said too much; more often than not her face gave away everything she thought or felt, and keeping emotions in check had never been her strong suit. All the same, she had never really had any other choice in life. Her father was a teacher at the Shin-ra Academy, and a military life was all Elena had ever known.

While most little girls dream of being princesses or chocobo trainers, all Elena had dreamt of was making her father proud, something her perfect sister was very good at. As for her mother, she was long dead and gone, but her memory remained as well as her legacy.

They say on funeral days the sky either pours down sunshine or pours down rain, but nothing in between, and on the day her mother was buried the sun shone without a single cloud in the sky.

Her mother's name was Jacqueline Carter, nee Ripley, but like most of the Turks she had given up her surname in life. Turks were not known by their family name, in lieu of a surname their first name was simply followed by 'of the Turks'; barring a few exceptions.

Of course, now that Jackie of the Turks was dead her tombstone bore her full name along with her dates of birth and death. Jackie had been old for a Turk. Most were not expected to live long enough to start a family, let alone have two daughters. It wasn't the sort of life conducive to having a family at all, but that hadn't stopped Jackie. Nothing could stop Jackie.

The first woman in the department, she'd shattered gender barriers as surely as targets. She was a deadeye with a gun; once, shortly after joining, she'd beaten Vincent Valentine at marksmanship on a bet. She'd made sure that the department of administrative defense was an equal opportunity employer by proving that her gender would only be an asset. She also fell in love with a military man, married him, and started a family. Who said you couldn't have the best of both worlds? Not Jackie, that was for sure. She took 'you can't' as a challenge; nothing could stop her.

Except for the bullet that had stopped her heart.

The funeral was small, attended by fellow Turks, military personnel and family. Elena was two years old and had bawled the entire time. Her elder sister, Rosalind, was silent and did her best not to cry.

Veld had been in attendance, along with his family, and it was then he first noticed Rosalind. Although the girl held her father's hand like any child would, she stood at attention like a natural born soldier. Veld had offered his condolences to the family, and asked if there was anything he could do. The words had been addressed to Major Carter, their father, but it was Rosalind who had spoken up.

"Sir?" she asked, "There's something you could do for me. When I'm old enough. If I work hard, can I join your department?" She spoke clearly; at eight years old she was still a child, voice high pitched and strained with grief, but she did her best to sound like an adult. She was serious, exuding determination if not yet confidence.

It seemed an odd question to Veld. The girl had just lost her mother to active duty, why would she ask such a thing? He looked to the girl's father, and tried to read his feelings. Perhaps he was the sort of man who would forbid such a thing outright; perhaps blaming the department for the loss of his wife.

Instead he smiled at his daughter, and said, "She'd do her mother proud. Give her a few years at the Academy, and I'll whip her into shape." Major Carter's position at the Shin-ra Military Academy meant that admittance was all but guaranteed for his children.

Veld gave Major Carter a small smile, and regarded Rosalind. "If it's what you want," he told her, "and you earn it, there will be a place for you with the Turks."

"What else could she want?" asked their father. "We're a military family, Shin-ra through and through, and they don't let girls in SOLDIER."

Elena did not remember that day anymore than she remembered her mother, but she grew up hearing the story. Her father loved to tell that story, his little daughter asking the director of the Turks if she could join up. Even as a little girl his darling Rosalind knew what she wanted.

Elena had never been really sure what she wanted…and she still wasn't. Even now, standing in the elevator, her stomach was in knots. Part of her mind was screaming at her to run. That she was making a mistake, that she might not be cut out for this and if she didn't try to back out now there would be no turning back.

She was an adult, eighteen years old, but sometimes she felt so young and so unsure. The only thing she ever had been sure of in her life was that she _didn't_ want to become a Turk.

Along with the funeral story, she had grown up hearing about what a great Turk her mother had been - but only in the context of how Rosalind was just like her mother. Everyone went on and on about how much Rosalind looked liked her mother, especially her eyes. As for Elena, she had her father's eyes and none of his attention or approval.

Rosalind resembled Jackie, but she was every bit her father's daughter. Their father was a military man, and schooled in the ways of a warrior. Rosalind was his prized pupil; she was serious, studious, and possessed deadly proficiency, even surpassing their father at marksmanship, just as her mother had before her. Rosalind graduated top of her class and was recruited to the Turks immediately upon graduation, and her father couldn't have been more proud.

Elena knew the man would never look at her with half as much approval. She had followed in her sister's footsteps in school, earning top marks and many accolades, but her father seemed to regard this as the bare minimum of what was expected. If Elena performed to a lesser standard, she would be told as much, always in comparison to her sister, who was oh so much better than she'd ever be.

Perhaps, in his way, her father meant to encourage her. Maybe he hoped she would see her sister as an inspiration to excel; perhaps his apparent favoritism was meant to challenge her to surpass her elder sibling. In reality all it did was cast Turbo on the Firaga of sibling rivalry, and made Elena determined to be anything but just like her sister.

She gave up firearms training and pursued martial arts instead. She wore her golden hair long, even though doing so was a liability in hand to hand combat, because Ros had always kept her hair short and if there one thing that annoyed Elena it was _anyone_ saying how much she looked like her sister. Above all else, Elena had vowed that she would _never_ join the Turks.

Yet now here Elena was in a brand new dark suit, gun at her side and actually feeling nervous about the whole thing. To think, not that long ago Elena had sworn to herself that being a bartender in a slum bar was a better option than turning Turk.

Not that Elena had thought bartending was going to be a lifetime career thing. She wasn't sure what she wanted. She imagined that if there'd ever really been a choice she'd have wanted to do something sweet with her life, like be a ballerina…except she was clumsy and really only wanted it for the pretty costumes.

Elena loved dresses, although the only one she owned was her school uniform. She couldn't justify buying dresses, but she liked the idea. Wouldn't it be nice to just be girly? This was not something her father really understood. He always criticized her for keeping her hair long, and choosing the dress uniform at school, because he didn't see any practicality in that, because it wasn't what Rosalind would have done. Sometimes Elena just wished she could be soft and sweet. She liked the idea of flowers, stuffed moogles, wearing pink and having some tall dark handsome hero who would keep her safe in his arms.

Except she knew better than to want such things, because _real_ women could take care of themselves, or so she had been taught. Because Rosalind had never wanted any of those things, she'd only ever dreamed of doing exactly what their father had hoped. Elena wasn't like that.

Not that Elena minded being able to take care of herself. Knowing she could break the arm of any bar drunk or street thug who tried anything had definitely given her confidence. It was just that sometimes working so hard to live up to everyone's expectations didn't leave any room to just be herself or figure out what _she_ wanted. Maybe part of her wished that she could be weak and still be good enough for someone.

Of course, being weak wasn't good enough for her. Elena was keenly aware of her shortcomings and strived to correct them. Elena was proud, to a fault, if only to cover up the fear that she really wasn't all that good. That was the reason, when she'd noticed the suspicious "soldiers" in the slums and knew something was off, she'd looked into it on her own instead of telling the Turks. Because she didn't need help, especially not from her sister and friends well, until she managed to get herself kidnapped. Then she'd needed help, even if she didn't want to admit it.

It had been Rosalind who'd saved her. Risked everything to save Elena, her own life and the mission, or maybe it was no risk because Rosalind knew she'd come out on top. Elena would have given anything to be that confident.

Rosalind hadn't seemed the least bit worried. "I can make everything up in no time. We do whatever it takes to succeed. That's what the Turks do."

It was then that Elena had made her choice. She wanted to join the Turks, not to follow in her sister's footsteps but to surpass her. Elena wanted what Rosalind had, that unquestioning resolve. No fear, just certainty. That was the pride of the Turks. No matter how bad things got, or what failures they faced, they never let go, they never gave up. Elena wanted to be like that.

She she'd joined up, and cut her long hair into a short bob. The haircut came partially in response to a venomous remark from Scarlet who she had the misfortune of sharing an elevator with that day, but mostly because Elena felt that if she was really going to be a Turk she aught look the part, and when she imagined what a perfect Turk was supposed to look like she could only picture her sister.

Elena had liked having long hair. A cute, feminine, indulgence, and had been loath to cut it. Yet somehow, despite herself, Elena actually found that she liked her hair short. Every time she caught a glimpse of her reflection she couldn't help but think it suited her. She looked like a Turk, looked like Rosalind, although not exactly the same. Elena still contended that she had a better sense of style than her sister, and her sleek asymmetrical bob looked much better than Rosalind's bangs ever had. She was already outdoing her at one thing and that was a start.

Really though, since Rosalind was gone, not dead like everyone thought but in hiding indefinitely, Elena's desire to beat her had sort of faded. Rosalind had helped save the world, so maybe just following in her footsteps wouldn't be so bad. She felt almost as if, since Ros was gone, someone had to carry on for her. Rosalind had lived their mother's legacy and maybe Elena could live hers and be happy with that. Except if all you have is another person's legacy, can you ever really stand on your own? Would anyone ever see her as just Elena instead of Rosalind's sister?

Her sister had done so much; Elena didn't know what she could do or what dangers she could face that would stand out in comparison. What could she possibly have in life that her sister hadn't already earned? Still, no matter what, Elena would have her pride as a Turk. The same pride Rosalind had had, the same pride they all had, but there was something about it that made one's personal pride matter less. So maybe she could be happy being Rosalind's sister, Elena of the Turks, because despite everything that was exactly the person she saw in her reflection, and Elena admired that girl in the mirror.

Elena was a Turk, and she was proud of that fact. She knew what was expected of her. A Turk put the mission first. A Turk followed orders. With Tseng gone, Reno was the highest ranking in the department, so she had to…unless? Reno might be the highest-ranking Turk, but there was someone who outranked him.

Elena couldn't bring herself to flat out ignore Reno's orders, but if she got the go ahead from someone further up the chain of command, well then, that was hardly disobeying orders at all. That was just following new orders. Reno couldn't fault her for that and he couldn't argue if the President himself gave her the go ahead.

She pushed the button for the executive floor, and straightened her stance, head held high. Elena wasn't going to let this matter drop, not without pursuing every avenue available.

Elena strode up to the secretary's desk. "I need to speak with the President," she said. The secretary did not question why; her suit was enough to prove she had a reason to be here.

The woman pressed the intercom. "Sir," she said, "there's someone from the Department of Administrative Research here to see you."

Elena waited, hands clasped firmly behind her back so that she couldn't bite her nails or fiddle with her hair. It was all she could do to keep still. What if he refused to see her? Then what would she do?

Then she heard his voice over the intercom. "Send them in."

"You can go ahead miss," said the woman, turning her head towards the office door.

Elena gave a curt nod and strode forward. She hesitated before the door for a moment, but it was too late to turn back. She'd all ready decided her course of action and she never backed down once she'd made up her mind.

Elena pushed open the door and slid into the office. She immediately felt dwarfed by the size of the room, like she was some tiny creature swallowed up by some giant monster. Across the room, immediately in front of her, sat Rufus Shinra. He was not a large man and behind the enormous curved desk he seemed almost small. Still the way he looked at her, looked through her, didn't make her feel any more confident.

She swallowed and once she sure her voice would be steady she spoke. "Sir," she said, a simple one-word greeting. Then she walked forward, head held high. She was a Turk; she had no reason to fear anything, let alone her own boss.

Why was her heart beating so fast? She'd faced scarier things, life threatening situations, so why should she be scared now. Maybe Reno was right, maybe she was off balance, or maybe it was the gnawing guilt that she shouldn't be doing this that set her on edge.

Rufus Shinra watched her. It seemed as if he were studying her, and something about that unnerved her. It was as if her very life hinged on his approval. Then he spoke.

"Oh, yes, you're Rosalind's sister, aren't you?" asked Rufus.

"It's _Elena_," she corrected at once. Once again her tone had betrayed her feelings and she regretted that she'd spoken at all. It was one thing to take the wrong sort of tone with Reno, superior or not, but this was the President. "Sir." she added hastily in a tone that was certainly more proper, if not a little too timid.

Relax; she told herself, he doesn't bite. She continued to speak, as if that would somehow cover her nervousness. "Uh, I mean…I'm Elena of the Turks."

"Right," said Rufus, "so tell me, Ms. Elena of the Turks, what can I do for you? Or rather what can you do for me? I assume you have some reason for being here."

He didn't sound too happy. Like her mere presence had already wasted too much of his precious time. Better speak fast, get right to the point.

"Yes sir," said Elena. "I…I want to go after the people who killed Tseng."

"_What?"_ asked Rufus.

He practically spat the word. As though Elena had said the stupidest thing in the world. Was it really that ridiculous to him? She tried to ignore his tone, and continued as though she hadn't noticed. "It was AVALANCHE, Sir," said Elena. "They killed him, and I'm going to make them pay."

"Are you?" asked Rufus. Then he laughed. Right in her face he laughed, like what she'd said was the punch line to some hilarious joke. How dare he laugh at her! And at a time like this! She'd come prepared to face a powerful and perhaps dangerous man, but she hadn't expected a complete monster.

She felt her fists clench as her jaw tightened. "Stop laughing!" she barked.

The silence that followed was so absolute that she could hear her own heart pounding. Elena could only hope that Rufus couldn't hear it too. She'd just yelled at Rufus Shinra: that was not good. She opened her mouth to apologize, but he cut her off.

"Don't say you're sorry," ordered Rufus. He stood then, and made his way around the desk.

She forced herself to stand her ground and not shrink back as he approached.

"If you do," Rufus continued, "you'll be lying. I do not abide liars, especially liars under my own employ. Of course, I generally don't allow my employees to speak to me like that either. Who exactly do you think you are?"

"I-"

"No," said Rufus. He raised a hand to silence her. "I know who you think you are. Elena of the Turks, right? You think you're a Turk? Well I think you're kidding yourself. A Turk would know better."

She felt her face grow hot with anger. Who was he to question her? He didn't even know her!

"You deserved it!" said Elena. He wanted honesty, then fine! He would get it. "How can you laugh like that?" Her throat felt raw and her airway constricted, as if her body was trying to stifle her words. She took a breath and swallowed, she was not going to cry. She was better than that, and she was angry. Tseng was dead; there was nothing to laugh at here. "It's not funny."

"Of course not," said Rufus. Even as he said it he laughed again.

How could he mock her like this? She wanted to shut him up, and it took all her restraint not to use her fists to make him shut up. Elena knew Rufus's reputation, but what kind of cruel twisted bastard laughed about someone they'd known for years dying, or maybe he laughing at the suggestion that he, Rufus Shinra, might give a damn like an actual human being.

"This is all a joke to you, isn't it?" asked Elena. Stupid question, of course it was. Maybe it would be better to leave, but she doubted the President would let her go at this point, even if she tried. So she continued on. "Why would you care that he's dead? Tseng didn't matter to you." She's been stupid to come here. The Turks meant nothing to this man. Hell, nothing mattered to him except his own power and money.

"You assume too much," said Rufus. His voice was like a dagger of ice. The way he at looked at her would have been frightening but she was too angry to feel fear.

"Do I?" asked Elena. She wiped at her eyes, silently cursing the tears that threatened fall. "We're nothing to you, just tools to be used and discarded, and if we die, who cares? You got what you wanted."

"Stop," said Rufus. He took a sharp breath. "I didn't want Tseng to die."

He continued to move toward her, but she wouldn't back away. "Then why did you send us on that suicide mission?" she asked. "You knew it was dangerous! If you'd sent more than just the two of us—"

"If you had stayed with him like a good partner should have!" countered Rufus. He was almost to her now, his eyes locked with hers in a stare down.

Elena blinked and took the slightest step backwards. "I…I…I only left because he ordered me to," said Elena. "He said you had to know about what we found, and my PHS couldn't get a signal anywhere near the Temple."

"Ah yes," said Rufus. He took a deep breath and looked away. His jaw was clenched. "I remember, you informed me as much when you called. I asked where Tseng was and told you to get back to him. But it was all ready too late by then."

Did he really blame her for this? Was he right? Maybe the reason she wanted revenge so badly was because in her heart she knew it was her fault, and everyone else knew it too. No, that wasn't true. "It's not my fault!" she screamed.

"Nor is it mine," replied Rufus. "So don't come in here blaming me."

Right, there wasn't any use in that. How had this conversation gone so wrong? She was here for his help, and she certainly wouldn't get it like this. "That wasn't my intention, Sir," said Elena. She bowed her head and took a shaky breath as if it would somehow steady her. "AVALANCHE is to blame. Just let me make them pay."

"Why come to me?" asked Rufus. "I'm not your superior. Unless…you all ready asked Reno didn't you?" He turned back around to face her. "And he told you no, I presume? Of course he did, it's clear you're unstable. You'll just get yourself killed."

"No!" said Elena. She was on the verge of shouting at him again, but stopped herself. She wouldn't get anywhere if she couldn't control her emotions. She focused on her breathing, and fought to keep calm. Then she spoke again, beseeching him. "All I'm asking is for a chance," she said, "please sir. And if I can't handle it, well then I'm not worth much as a Turk then am I, so it's no loss to you."

The President's expression seemed to soften then. Elena wasn't sure if he mocking her again, or if he actually felt sorry for her. She also wasn't sure which was worse.

"The worth of a Turk isn't measured by if they can defeat an enemy," said Rufus. His tone seemed almost warm. "If AVALACHE really was behind Tseng's death then it's clear they are more than any one person can handle. That Cloud person claims to have been a SOLDIER. He wasn't; but from the reports I've read he fights as well as any First Class. Do you know what it takes to defeat a SOLDIER First Class, Elena?" He answered the question without giving her a chance to guess. "Another SOLDIER First Class, or failing that an army. If I let you go I _would _be sending you on a suicide mission."

She didn't know what to say to that, but she couldn't just give up. "They have to pay," said Elena. "What do you want me to do? Just let it go? Like it doesn't even matter?" Her voice was cracked, and the words were half sobbed.

Rufus took a handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to her, a condescending gesture she was certain. She waved him off. "I'm fine," she said. She didn't want his pity.

"This is more than just the loss of a comrade in arms," he said. "You're in love with him, aren't you?"

He'd seen right through her, or maybe she was just obvious. "I…" she began. Gaia, he sounded so disgusted with her. Well, she didn't care what he thought. He was a heartless bastard, what did he know about love?

"Yes," said Elena, "I loved him, and I don't care who knows it or what you think of me."

He raised an eyebrow.

So Rufus didn't believe her when she claimed she didn't care? Once again Elena felt like she was being laughed at. Well, it didn't matter! Why should he care if she loved him? "That's not the point," said Elena, "Tseng was…he deserves better this! He shouldn't be forgotten! It isn't fair!"

Rufus fixed her in a cold gaze. Until now his voice had been even for the most part, but as he spoke he sounded almost vicious. "Your feelings don't matter! What you want doesn't matter! And what's fair certainly doesn't matter, because life isn't fair!" he snarled. "If you don't understand that you're nothing more than a child playing dress up in that suit and not a Turk at all. Hell, if you were half the Turk your sister was—"

Elena didn't even realize what she was doing until her fist connected with his face. At that moment all she saw was red, but she could still hear the crunch as his nose broke.

The President stumbled backwards, but managed to right himself. Instantly he brought his hand, still clutching his handkerchief, to his face. Rufus took a breath and tilted his head back. Elena couldn't see any blood through the handkerchief, but had no doubt about the damage she'd done.

If the President was in pain he didn't show it. With his free hand Rufus took a potion from his jacket pocket and downed it like he would a shot, cool as anything.

He sighed, then calmly folded the bloodied handkerchief until it was small enough to stuff into the empty potion bottle and pocketed it. All the while fixing her in a cold stare.

Elena just stood frozen; she couldn't believe what she'd done. Then he came forward, closing the distance between them. She raised her hands on instinct, startled as a mouse facing a viper. Rufus grabbed her by the wrist, and she didn't so much as pull away.

She'd just attacked Rufus Shinra, the President: her boss. She was as good as dead and she knew it. His grip on her wrist was so tight it hurt, but she barely registered the pain through her panic.

What had she done? How could she have been so stupid? She was a disgrace to the Turks, and she wouldn't be surprised if Rufus shot her on the spot. Then Rufus looked into her eyes. She silently begged his forgiveness, but she knew better than to expect mercy from this man.

He released her arm, and then moved towards her. She flinched despite herself, but he only hugged her.

For a moment Elena simply stood there, frozen in utter confusion. The idea of the President hugging her at all, under any circumstances, seemed absurd, but to hug her _now_?

Then it didn't matter, nothing did. Not what she had done or how ridiculous this was, none of that seemed real. All that was real was Rufus's arms around her, his body against hers. He was so warm. She leaned against him, and returned the embrace. He held her, gentle yet somehow firm, as though she was safe from the world in his arms.

Elena leaned against his shoulder, her cheek resting against the soft silk of his white suit and she wept. Her body heaved with sobs. Part of her knew she shouldn't be doing this. She was making a mess; it was disgusting. All the same, Rufus didn't push her away. Instead he stroked her hair, comforting her.

She wasn't sure how long she stayed like that. She cried until it seemed like all her tears had gone. Then she took a breath and found her feet. The President stepped away.

"Did hitting me make you feel any better?" he asked, managing a smile.

Was that all he had to say? "Sir," she began "I'm so-"

"What did I say about apologizing when you're not sorry?" asked Rufus. He sighed and shook his head.

She was going to interrupt, to say that she did mean it. She was sorry, for everything. For coming in here like this, and loosing control, for hitting him, and breaking down in his arms. The words never left her, however, because Rufus continued speaking.

"If you really want to go after AVALANCHE I won't stop you," he said, "in fact you have my authorization to take a few troopers with you. Just promise me you'll back down if things get out of hand. I can't afford to lose another Turk right now."

**AN: As mentioned, this fic will draw on material originally written for previous works. This chapter partially draws from "Women of Shin-ra", a fic originally written as a gift for . That fic will be posted here shortly.**

**Additionally, I found I couldn't conceive of how Rufus would respond to the events of this chapter without being inside his head. So I originally wrote this chapter from Rufus's point of view, then went back and rewrote it from Elena's perspective, keeping Rufus's dialogue and actions. I may eventually post the version of this chapter from Rufus's point of view as a chapter of "Pedigree". **

**Finally, Happy New Years. As odd as it sounds attaching cheerful well wishes to a fic that's been so dark and depressing thus far. **


	3. Embrace Pain and Burn It

_We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa_

* * *

><p>Reno didn't bother to pause at the secretary's desk to ask permission. He stormed right into the President's office like he owned the place. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he couldn't do this. Rufus wasn't just some kid who technically outranked him anymore; Rufus was his Boss. Reno could get in real trouble for this, but then again, Reno had never been afraid to ruffle a few feathers.<p>

Besides, President or not, this was still Rufus. He was the sort of guy you could bring your complaints to, or at least Reno thought so. Not like the old President. The Old Man did whatever the fuck he wanted and if you said no, you were as good as dead, even if you knew the order was wrong or just plain stupid. Not that it was really a Turk's place to question orders, loyalty to the mission and all that. Except a Turk did question, because despite what people might think, Turks weren't mindless thugs. They were smart, even Reno, not that he tried to show it. Better to be underestimated. Truth was though, everyone in the department was a highly trained, intelligent, black-ops agent who needed to be able to think, to question, and then take the right course of action.

Tseng would have said, 'the department's ability to function was hindered in the later years of the last administration'. Reno could hear his voice clearly in his mind; Tseng had always been one for eloquence and understatements. Reno wondered if there'd come a time he'd forget exactly what Tseng had sounded like, if the memory would fade away like so many other things, but he pushed the thought aside. He had other things to worry about.

Rufus looked up when Reno tore into the room. The President wasn't at his desk but off to the side near a small decanter. Rufus had his jackets off, nothing but white pants and a black turtleneck; it felt off seeing him in less than three layers of clothing in the office. Rufus wasn't a take your coat off and relax kind of guy; come to think of it, he wasn't the sort to drink either. Rufus finished pouring himself a glass of whiskey and turned to face Reno.

Rufus looked him over. Reno knew he was being read. That was Rufus, sizing people up like pieces on a chessboard, planning his next move, dangerously perceptive. Not that it took a genius to read Reno at the moment. His hands were at his side, clenched into fists. The glare he sent the President practically screamed: 'What the fuck?'

"As I recall," said Rufus, calm as ever, "the last time you swept into a room this livid you proceeded to punch me. I really do hope that's not your intention now."

Reno remembered that day, the first and only time he'd raised a hand against the man. It was after Corel. After they'd found out that Rufus, then Vice President, had been betraying them to AVALANCHE all along. Rufus was the leak that had given the terrorists all kinds of help. He'd given them funding, company secrets, and if things had gone according to Rufus's plan the Turks lives would have been forfeit as well. Reno hadn't taken kindly to Rufus giving terrorists a kill order on him and everyone he cared about.

But that was years ago, and Rufus had more than made his peace.

"I ain't gonna hit you, boss," said Reno. He crossed his arms.

"Ah, good then," said Rufus. "I think being assaulted by one subordinate is quite enough for the day."

"Whoa, whoa, what? Assaulted? Elena?" Elena had attacked Rufus Shinra? Fuck! What the hell was that girl thinking? Reno knew she could be a bit—but physically assaulting the President of the company? If Veld were still in charge, he'd have put the fear of the fucking gods in that girl, or had her killed, depending. How could she have been that stupid?

"I'd show you the mark, but the potion I took seems to have cleared up any damage," said Rufus. "She packs quite a punch for a woman her size. Is her specialty martial arts?"

"I…uh…yeah, I think so," said Reno. "She _hit_ you? Why did she hit you?"

"She was upset," said Rufus. He shrugged and took a sip of his drink. "You seem upset as well. What is it, Reno?"  
>"I saw you'd authorized Elena to go after AVALANCHE," said Reno. "I was gonna ask where you got off sending a rookie to her death, but I guess I understand now."<p>

"Do you really think so little of me?" asked Rufus.

He sounded almost hurt. Well, Reno had to admit. He had leapt to conclusions. Rufus hated it when Reno got him wrong, like he expected better, maybe because Rufus had let Reno closer than anyone, not that that was saying much.

Rufus had been clear where he stood on relationships the first day they met.

* * *

><p>'<em>Someone like me doesn't have the luxury of having friends'<em>

Even as an eleven year old Rufus had understood his place in the world. He couldn't really trust anyone, or get close, because he couldn't really be a person so much as an ideal. He was the Shin-ra heir and all the bullshit that came along with that. Poor kid was born into a nest of vipers.

Still, even though Reno could never be Rufus's friend, they'd always acted like it anyway, when they were younger. At least when no one was around or Rufus didn't think anyone was looking. Then when they got older other things happened when no one was looking. Letting his hand brush against Rufus's side when he walked pass him down the corridor on one day. Reno's hands lingering over Rufus's own when he showed him how to hold a handgun on another.

Reno was sixteen years old when he really started the game. "I know all the blind spots in the cameras," he told Rufus. "Figured it out. Like if we step here." He pulled Rufus in close to him, in a corner of the hallway. "We're invisible."

"Yeah? So," asked Rufus. "It looks suspicious, suddenly disappearing from view. So what's the use of stepping out of frame?"

"Well, if the guy monitoring it looks away it could confuse 'em," said Reno, "but more, you can step out just long enough to do something you don't want seen."

"Like what exactly?" asked Rufus. He sounded so bored and condescending, but somehow Reno knew it was the Rufus version of playful.

"This," said Reno. He kissed him. Not deep or nothing, just pressing his lips against Rufus's mouth. Rufus pulled back as if a low volt from an EMR had hit him. Reno had never seen Rufus look so shocked, almost frightened. Reno had just smiled, and waited to see if it would be ok.

Then Rufus stepped closer and kissed him back, with all the sloppiness and need a teenage boy could give. It was too fast, too hard, but there was a hunger there that Reno returned. "Are there other blind spots?" whispered Rufus.

They both knew that they could not be caught. If they were Reno was as good as dead, and Rufus couldn't bear to think about what would happen if his father found out. So they'd been careful. It wasn't like Old Man Shinra paid any attention to what his son was doing, anyway.

Still, Rufus pointed out risks all the time. "We shouldn't be doing this," he'd say, or "You do realize if we're discovered you'll be killed?" However, Reno had usually retorted by silencing him with a kiss or putting his hands places that made it difficult for Rufus to think straight or say no.

"This needs to stop," said Rufus. "It's gone on too long, we'll be-"

Reno ground his body against Rufus's pressing him into the wall. "You really want me to stop?" asked Reno. His hands sliding down and doing that thing Rufus wouldn't want to stop. Even if it was wrong, Reno didn't care. He liked to play the devil, it was more fun that way and at that age he hadn't learned the meaning of consequence.

Maybe he liked the risk. It was the times he knew he could die that had always made Reno feel alive. Nothing was worth anything unless the stakes were high. Besides, there was something to doing things you shouldn't do. He wasn't sure why. Maybe guilty pleasure was just sweeter. Reno had grown up on the streets, stealing to get by and even though part of it was just survival there was a thrill to taking what wasn't his, touching things he shouldn't. Like if you came by food honestly, through charity or doing something to earn enough gil to buy a bite to eat, it never tasted as good as nicked food. Things were better when you weren't supposed to have them.

Rufus Shinra was definitely not something Reno should have his hands on. Rufus was untouchable, like something cold and sharp. A diamond behind bulletproof glass, beautiful as hell but you couldn't have it, shouldn't have it. It was too precious to get your greasy fingerprints all over, it wasn't the sort of thing anyone should really have, let alone Reno. Just the sort of thing Reno found impossible to resist.

Things had stopped, of course, but not because they'd been discovered, even though _had _been discovered. Reno should have known the Turks would catch on eventually; they were the Turks, after all. Or rather, he should have known Tseng would catch on, because Tseng was like the best of 'em, Veld's protégé. Besides that he was like Rufus's personal watchdog or something.

Before Reno had come along Tseng had always been assigned to bodyguard duty with Rufus, like Tseng was somehow Rufus's personal Turk. Once Reno was ready for such assignments, Rufus requested him. Rufus liked working with Reno because Rufus liked Reno. Not that Rufus didn't like Tseng or anything, there was a definite closeness there, but Tseng was older. Reno was someone his own age, someone he could see as a partner instead of a minder, a friend instead of a mentor. Veld let Reno have the assignments because he liked that Rufus enjoyed working with the Turks. That was probably why he had Tseng stick so close to Rufus in the first place.

Veld was a smart man. It was like he was laying the foundation for the future he wouldn't be around to see. The Turks as close to the head of Shin-ra as they were to each other, trusting the President as surely as they did their own director and the President returning the sentiment.

Of course, Veld never meant for any Turk to get as close to Rufus as Reno had. When Tseng called him into the Commander's office and told him that they knew, Reno was sure he was going die. He'd stared at Commander Veld, waiting for him to give the word or to pull a gun and shoot Reno himself.

"I didn't mean nothing by it," said Reno. As soon as the words left his mouth he realized it sounded like the stupidest thing in the world. The Turks didn't do mercy, and Reno had killed people with way better excuses than his.

"Tseng has told me as much," said Veld. "Apparently you have the quite the taste for men and women alike, but you must understand why Rufus Shinra is different." It wasn't a question. They both knew Reno wasn't as stupid as he let on.

Why were they dragging this out? Did they want him to be understanding, it's nothing personal but we have to kill you. Yeah, right, sure... Well, since they were giving him the chance to speak, then fine, he'd be honest.

"Not to me," said Reno. Tseng and Veld had stared at him like he was crazy. Reno knew Veld's statement wasn't something Reno was supposed to respond to. Reno didn't care. Not like things could get any worse. If you're already standin' in your own grave why not dig it deeper, yo? Besides, he wanted them to know the truth, even if it didn't matter. "He may be Rufus Shinra, but he's still just a teen same as me and likes cock same as me. Sir, I don't mean to be vulgar or nothing, but you have to understand. I didn't do this because he's Rufus Shinra or to hurt him or anything like that. It just…happened."

Tseng had actually cringed at Reno's words, but Veld's face remained impassive. "You realize, of course," said Tseng, "that the President—"

"No! You can't tell him!" said Reno. All his fears vanished, replaced by frenzied concern. "Rufus cares way too much about what he thinks, and about the company. If the President finds out who knows what'll do to Rufus. He might even disown him! You can't do that to Rufus. Please, you can do what you fucking want with me, shoot me where I stand!" He through his arms wide, inviting the bullet. His posture saying: 'come at me'.

It was street style bravado. Never let them see you're scared out of your mind, act like you don't give a damn. Really, Reno was on the edge of losing it. Shin-ra was his home, a life as a Turk was worth living. He didn't want to die, and he knew he very well that he might. He was powerless here, more than he'd ever been on the streets or on a mission.

He couldn't fight back, he wouldn't fight back: his life belonged to Veld and the Turks. Running was also out, pointless given where he was and who they were, but cowardly besides. Reno was better than that; he was a Turk.

He'd taken the risk. He'd pay the price. He just didn't want Rufus to get hurt. Just like the possibility of death didn't matter during a mission, only the goal, at the moment, somehow, shielding Rufus from the fallout was his only objective.

"There's no need to be melodramatic, Reno," said Veld. He rested his head in his hands, massaging his temple like a Principle who'd had to deal with more than his fair share of teenage stupidity. "And for the love of Gaia, sit down."

Reno sank into a chair, arms crossed. "Ain't being melodramatic, yo, just honest. You give the order and I'll blow my own brains out right here, right now. I know I fucked up. Just…please don't tell anyone about this."

"I would never do anything to harm Rufus," said Tseng. Now Tseng was always serious. Reno didn't think Tseng had anything other than 'serious mode', but the way he'd said that, it was different; it was beyond serious. It was like Reno had questioned Tseng's loyalty as a Turk.

"I'm glad you appreciate the gravity of the situation," said Veld, "and no, your death will not be necessary."

"I just have to stop," said Reno. He'd known it had been too good to last.

"On the contrary," said Veld, "continue, but understand the necessity of absolute discretion in this. We'll do our best to cover up any slips."

"Wait…you want to help me?" asked Reno.

"It's not a betrayal of Shin-ra Company to not tell the President what he hasn't asked about," said Tseng, "or to omit certain information for the good of the company's future."

"Reno," said Veld, "I don't care who you're with men, women, or whatever happens to strike your fancy; it's not my business. What is my business is protecting Rufus. Rufus is a teenage boy, he's going to have desires, and apparently his desires are of a nature that should not come to light. It will be easier to cover up his affairs if we know about them, and safer if he carries out a liaison with someone we know is trustworthy."

"So you're ordering me to sleep with Rufus?" asked Reno. That seemed all kinds of wrong.

"No," said Tseng, "we're allowing you to continue as you were, and suggesting you do so with caution."

Reno didn't know if Tseng had told Rufus that they knew about them. Maybe he had. Maybe Tseng had told Rufus and lectured him about being careful, told him he could have Reno as long as it was just Reno. Then again, maybe Tseng never said a word about it. Either way, Rufus had ended the relationship shortly after that without any explanation or room for argument.

For years, Reno had wondered if it was because he knew other people knew. Maybe doing something without permission was part of the thrill for Rufus too. Reno had always thought they had a lot in common, maybe a shine for doing things they shouldn't was one of those things they'd shared. Still, even knowing he essentially had permission to be with Rufus hadn't taken any of the fun out of it, or curbed his desire in the least.

In fact, it hurt when Rufus blew him off. It made him mad, and the worst thing was he couldn't argue. He knew it was useless. Like trying to draw a gun when your opponent already had theirs leveled at your heart; it was too late, you couldn't win. Even so, Reno had no regrets.

Years later, he'd learned the real reason Rufus had blown him off and pushed the Turks as far out of his life as he could get them. Something had pushed Rufus over the edge, and he had turned against Shin-ra. Rufus couldn't afford to be close to people who were now a potential threat.

* * *

><p>Reno got Rufus wrong as often as he got him right. It wasn't like Rufus made it easy to understand him. As much as he liked giving speeches, offering explanations and justification, Rufus never let anyone close enough to really see everything clearly. Tseng seemed to understand him, somehow, and Reno used to be jealous but there wasn't much of a point now. Tseng was gone. Reno was on his own, trying to hold the Turks together and deal with Rufus.<p>

What was he supposed to think? He'd sent Elena on a mission that was going to get her killed, and he had reason to want her dead. Reno had heard Rufus go on about keeping people in line through fear; the young President didn't seem the type to just let something like this go. The Old Man certainly wouldn't have let something like this slide, he'd probably have marched Reno up to the office and told him to get rid of her on the spot.

"It wasn't my intention to send her to her death," said Rufus. "If I'd wanted her to die for daring to hit me I would have shot her myself."

"Then why'd you send her?" asked Reno.

"Because she's grieving, and I think she deserves the freedom to find closure in her own way," said Rufus.

"You really think getting herself killed is gonna help her?" asked Reno. "Look, with all due respect, Sir. I'm her commander, it's my job to look after her and it's my job to decide what this department does. I told Elena to drop this and instead she goes to you and—"

"So you feel that I undermined your authority, Reno?" asked Rufus. "And here I thought my authority superseded yours. Elena is my Turk, it's within my rights to tell her to do as I see fit. With Tseng gone, it's indeed your department, but the Turks belong to me."

Reno hated being talked down to, by anyone. "You're sounding an awful lot like your father, yo."

Rufus laughed and looked away. Reno knew he'd crossed the line. He'd known Rufus for years; long enough to know that when Rufus laughed like that, it was rarely because he thought something was funny in a good way.

"I'm sorry," said Reno. "Look, I know you wouldn't just throw our lives away." Rufus was like one of them. With all the trouble he'd gone through to save their asses, Reno didn't believe for a second that he didn't care.

"Do you know that?" asked Rufus. "Because so far you haven't given me the slightest indication you know me at all. I'm getting really tired of my subordinates marching into my office and lobbing accusations."

Reno felt a pang of guilt. Things weren't supposed to be this way. The Turks were supposed to be on Rufus's side. What would Tseng have said if he'd seen them acting like this? Even when Rufus had betrayed them, Tseng wouldn't allow them to see Rufus as the enemy.

* * *

><p>Personally, Reno had wanted to kill him. He'd punched him hard enough to make him bleed. Reno had confronted him about all the things he'd done, and he'd gotten answers.<p>

"I discovered something," said Rufus. "When I was sixteen I hacked into several secure files. I've had a knack for that sort of thing. I'd been meaning to for a while, ever since I'd found out my father was letting that leech Don Corneo grow fat in the slums off the people's blood. I wanted to know the things that went on. I found things, lots of things I shouldn't have. My father ordered my mother's death." Rufus turned to look at Reno. "The order was carried out by the Turks."

Their eyes met. "I...why would-"

Rufus laughed, cold and bitter. "Because of who my mother was," said Rufus. "Everyone loved her, and she seemed in love with the world, all smiles and blushing. My father still keeps a painting of her in the pent house. I used to think, foolish child that I was, he kept it because he had loved her. In truth, he loved the painting more than her. He said to me once that the painting looked as if she were alive. He preferred that, close to life but not quite. The painting couldn't blush, but mother-well she blushed and flirted without even trying. There were men who'd smile at her, and she'd smile at them. She'd accept these smiles and gifts of flowers. My father-he'd given her the Shinra name. That should have been enough for her. It wasn't; he got angry, and so he gave the orders and all the smiles stopped."

"He killed her just for flirting?" asked Reno.

"Of course not," said Rufus, "when I said his name wasn't enough, well let's saying just being his wife wasn't enough. She wanted love. I suspect when she couldn't get it from him she found it somewhere else. Or maybe she was just rebellious, whose to say. He chose her because she was beautiful. He liked other men wanting what he had, but when he started to doubt that she was his alone. Father never did like other people touching his things."

"Rufus—" Reno began.

"Oh, I understand why he did it," said Rufus. "Father likes things he can buy, objects he could own. I'm certain my mother, beautiful woman that she was, was a trophy for him. However, it turned out he couldn't own her, nor control her. But he could end her, and he did. He had his reputation to uphold, of course. President Shinra, the most powerful man in the world, can't control his own wife? He couldn't have people think that, and sooner or later the tabloids would have published something. My father saw a problem, and had the Turks deal with it. It's what they do, after all."

"I didn't know," said Reno. "I swear, I didn't-"

"No," said Rufus. "That mission was before your time. Tseng knew, of course, and Veld he...I was never close with my father, but with the Turks, I'd almost thought...I should have known. You can't trust anyone, and you're better off if you learn that." A ghost of a smile crossed his face. "I thought it's something you would have known. Yet you act as if my betrayal hurt."

"It did," said Reno. "I wanted to kill you, or beat you to a bloody pulp, and you're the last person I ever thought I'd want to hurt."

"Betrayal cuts deeper than any blade, pierces swifter than any bullet. I know from experience. I guess you could call what I did revenge."

Reno nodded, and Rufus wondered if he'd made it harder for the Turk to hate him. "So kill your dad for what he did to your mom, and take out the Turks for carrying out the order."

"Oh please, the Turks were never a target, you just got in my way. I knew there'd be collateral damage from the get go, there's always a price. I didn't care if the Turks were destroyed, but I didn't want to kill everyone and burn the company to the ground because I miss my mother. I'm not that pathetic or that psychotic. Yes, when I learned what my father had done I decided then and there that I was going to kill him, but it's not the only reason. If anything I did what my father wanted me to."

Rufus' reasons hadn't really won him much sympathy from Reno, or at least they hadn't won him any forgiveness, even if he sort of understood. Rufus had crossed a line, and there was no going back, at least not for most people. Except, it was different with Rufus. Rufus couldn't be their enemy, because one day they would be his Turks. That was the way it was supposed to be.

Tseng had understood that. Tseng had made sure Rufus knew that even though he was furious and Rufus was going learn what it meant to be punished, the Turks didn't hate him. The Turks were still his. It was sort of like family. You don't just stop loving someone, even if you hate what they do, because they're still yours.

* * *

><p>Reno felt sort of sick to his stomach, like he'd betrayed everything Tseng had taught him. He was upset about Elena. She was a rookie, his to look after, and Rosalind's kid sister besides. Besides, Turks looked after their own, and when it seemed like Rufus was putting Elena in danger he'd gone off.<p>

Of course, Rufus hadn't meant it like that; Reno would give him the benefit of the doubt. He shouldn't have accused him of anything; he should have just asked what was going on.

"What…what did Elena say?" asked Reno. Something big had gone down between the Boss and Elena. Whatever happened it had led to blows and Rufus on edge. More so than he was already, with Tseng…that explained the drinking.

"Oh, just that I didn't care that Tseng was dead. That the Turks meant nothing to me, and that it my fault Tseng died because I, oh so carelessly, send you to your deaths without a second thought."

"She didn't mean that," said Reno. "She doesn't know you like the rest of us."

"And you know me Reno?" asked Rufus. "I thought you did, but from what you've said…"

"I didn't mean it," said Reno. "I'm just upset. All right? It's hard for me to wrap my brain around you just letting her go on her own."

"I authorized some military personnel to escort her," said Rufus.

"Oh brilliant! They can die with her, then?" said Reno, throwing his arms in the air.

"What was I supposed to do?" asked Rufus. "What do you want from me?"

"I don't know," said Reno, "to think? I mean that's what you're good at right. Always calm, always planning something."

Rufus pulled out a chair and sank back into it; glass in one hand and head resting on the other. "I don't want to think about anything right now," he said, "I can't think about…._Tseng_ right now."

Reno was silent for a long moment. Of course! Elena coming in her screaming about vengeance, accusing Rufus of not caring…that explained everything. "You loved him."

"I don't use that word," said Rufus. "You know that better than anyone."

It was true, Reno sure did.

Rufus was still his lover, or maybe lover wasn't the right word, but there wasn't really a right word. What they did was more than just fucking, but they wouldn't call it love.

* * *

><p>After Rufus's capture the years passed and the Turks came around. Rufus earned their acceptance, their respect, and gradually something not quite like forgiveness but close. It was around then, towards the end of Rufus's years in captivity that the game started again.<p>

They'd had to keep Rufus's location a secret from the President, as insurance in case shit hit the fan, which seemed dangerously likely at the time. The thing about keeping a person hidden from the world was that you tended to stash the person some place where there weren't any security cameras. As a prisoner, Rufus has to be kept under some sort of surveillance, of course, so there'd been human eyes to watch him. Always some Turk with him to make sure he didn't try anything, and Reno didn't mind taking shifts with him, more like keeping him company than anything. Then things had changed, or rather gone back to the way they'd been.

It was different though, this time. It wasn't like teenage lust, where nothing really mattered because you weren't thinking with the head on top of your shoulders. This was deeper than that. Yeah there was lust and need: bodies pressed against the cold wall and springs broken on the couches, but this was just, _different_. It was like passion, or maybe it was like something more than just caring.

Love wasn't a word Reno liked using much either. As a matter of principle, Reno didn't like using words he didn't know the meaning of. Not that he didn't think he could feel or nothing like that. It was more that love was this thing you couldn't really define, something that was beyond that, couldn't be put into words except to say the name we'd given it, which wasn't the true name. It was like something you couldn't name, didn't even know the name of it.

Reno didn't like to think about complicated things like that. Besides, love meant strings attached, and Reno had never been one for strings or being attached. His life didn't belong to him, it belonged to the Turks, and his future didn't really exist. There was now, getting through now, planning to get through the later which would soon be now, but not the big nebulous future. Reno didn't think he could have a life with anyone. He'd be happy enough with the moments he got.

It wasn't like that for Rufus. He wouldn't say love because for him it wasn't a viable option and Rufus didn't waste his time on any endeavor he didn't find justifiable. Reno remembered the only time the word love had come up, after Zack Fair died.

It was failure. It was a shock. It had left Tseng shaken, and nothing got to Tseng, or at least he was damn good at hiding it. Reno had confided in Rufus that he wasn't sure if things would be all right. It had bothered him, because never giving up was part of the Pride of the Turks. You took hits, sure, and there were failures, but you let go and moved on and never doubted for a moment that you could come out on top. Except, Reno had doubted then, he wasn't sure of anything, even though he managed to play it off cool. Seeing the look on Tseng's face had shaken him.

"Sometimes I wonder if this'll be the last time I ever see you," said Reno. They were cuddled together in bed, safe and warm.

"Don't say stupid things," said Rufus.

"It ain't stupid," said Reno, "it's reality."

"No, not that. I'm quite aware any one of you could be killed at any time," said Rufus. "I meant don't spout cheap sentimental garbage. I'm not in the mood. I don't love you, you know."

"What makes you bring that up?" asked Reno.

"I just want to be clear," said Rufus. "We can never love each other. Even if everything somehow goes right and I get everything I want. My freedom, the company, and all you Turks alive and in my service, even then I can't love you. Because you'd still have to die for me, but I couldn't die for you."

"Love was never part of this," said Reno, "or friendship, or anything. We're just doing what we do, and it doesn't have to mean anything. I get you Rufus. Are you trying to break it off or something?"

"There's no need," said Rufus, "you've always been…it's an ideal arrangement in many ways. If I want to be with anyone it would have to be someone I can trust. There are very few people that I consider trustworthy, because everyone has some ulterior motive when it comes to a man in my position, especially the sort of people who would want to get close to me or hope for a possibility of marriage. It puts me off being with women almost as much as my lack of attraction. Of course, male lovers could be even worse, and present even more problems. Blackmail would be so tempting for many. Then, even if it wasn't all that bad there are plenty of people that would only want to get close to me because of who I am: celebrity, money, and power. Even if it's a secret affair, there are probably plenty of people who would want me for all the wrong reasons, and I couldn't stand it. I will not allow myself to be used. So whom can I trust? The answer's obvious, a Turk. If I want to have an affair, who would be better suited to understand the need for absolute discretion? I require someone who understands that and never be tempted to ask for a more public affair or commitment."

"So any Turk would do?" asked Reno. "And do you have to give a fucking dissertation on everything?"

"I simply meant to make my reasons clear, and no, of course not just any Turk would do," said Rufus. "I want you. Even if I wasn't trapped here with a very limited choice as far as partners go, there's no one I'd want more." He kissed Reno's neck, his lips lingering there as he continued, "Your position makes you a viable choice, that's all."

"Always so cold and rational," said Reno. It would be easy to think there was nothing more to Rufus. That he really didn't give a damn about anything. Reno knew better.

"Yes," said Rufus, "that's why I don't love you. And you know what? If you die, I won't care, because I know it's bound to happen."

"You don't mean that," said Reno.

"I wish I did," said Rufus. "It would be easier."

Maybe part of the reason Rufus didn't do love was because he didn't like taking risks without weighing out the costs and benefit, but the benefits of love were intangible and the cost, the pain and loss that can come with love, were clear. Or maybe part of it was having so few people he could trust, and no one he could be himself with.

Even with the two of them, Rufus was still a Shinra and Reno was still a Turk, and it wasn't something either could completely forget. Maybe thinking too much about everything was the reason Rufus could never admit to caring. So he did his best not to show he cared at all.

He didn't want to care because it meant that he was human; that he could bleed. Rufus had always wanted to be more than that, or at least that's how Reno understood things. Not that Reno really understood Rufus, even after all these years. He didn't think anyone _really_ understood Rufus, except maybe Tseng. Tseng had a way of understanding, and had been close to Rufus for longer than anyone else.

* * *

><p>"I know you don't use <em>that word<em>," Reno replied, "and that if it'd been me dead instead of Tseng you wouldn't shed a goddamned tear, and that's fine. But you don't have to pretend everything's ok when it's not. It's just fucking not."

"You're not exactly grieving either," said Rufus. He finished the rest of his drink in a single gulp.

"I'm on duty," Reno said, "in case you forgot, I'm due to fly you out to Junon in an hour, actually less than that now. Really, I'd like nothing more than to fucking scream, or break something, or try to break something that'll break me right back. Ever done that, punch a wall and feel your bones shatter? Or you know what? Even better? I want to get fucking shit faced, good and proper. I'm talking alcohol, loco weed, and other shit that'd probably kill most people in the doses I'd take but I think I've had enough mako exposure to handle it. I want to do it until I don't feel nothing at all or remember my own goddamned name, but I can't do that. Can't afford to, but you know what?" he asked. "It doesn't mean I'm not feeling it. I'm not pretending. At least not here with you, and I'm not trying to act like nothing's happened."

He came forward and knelt down in front of Rufus, so he could look up at him. Reno took his hand and held it. "Come on, Boss," he said, "just…talk to me."

"Talk?" asked Rufus. "About Tseng? All right, fine then. Tseng." Rufus's voice seemed to shake as he spat the words. As Reno held Rufus's hand it was trembling to. "He was a constant in my life. There's never been a time, as far back as I can remember, that he wasn't a part of my life. If I used the word love, I'd say I loved him in more ways than one. In more ways than I should have. I once told Tseng that he was like a brother to me, the surrogate father figure guiding me through life, and that was partially true but there was more to it than that. Tseng was my advisor, my mentor, and my confidant. He was also a man that I had always wanted from the time I was old enough to want anyone." Rufus paused for a moment and looked at Reno, as if questioning if he should say these things to him.

Reno took a deep breath. He didn't want to sound like he was accusing Rufus of anything. "You once said that there's no one you'd want more than me. Was it true?" asked Reno, "Or was he the one you really wanted. Am I just a substitute? You can be honest. This was never supposed to mean anything." He let go of Rufus's hand, and moved to stand.

"Of course not!" said Rufus, grabbing Reno's hand and holding him there. He reached out and cupped his face. "I meant what I said, there's no one I'd want more. I wanted him, yes, but that doesn't mean I didn't want you. It couldn't have worked with him anyway."

"Because you needed him more than you'd admit?" asked Reno. "I know you, Boss. You assess the risks, and getting involved with someone you'd actually be in danger of loving, or already did…that's pretty risky. Were you afraid you couldn't take it if it fell apart, or that you would fall apart if…when something happened."

Reno bit his tongue. They shouldn't be having this conversation now. Not so soon after…what had happened. They were grieving, there was so much shit going on, Reno shouldn't be dragging Rufus into this discussion. They'd said from the start what they had meant nothing, hell, they didn't even have anything, it was just whatever it was, and there was no need to get upset.

Except he was upset, but not that Rufus had felt something for Tseng. Reno knew he was as different from Tseng as you could get. It didn't make him jealous that Rufus could have wanted someone else and found something different appealing. Even the knowledge that Rufus might have been in love with Tseng didn't really faze him. That alone didn't mean Rufus cared about him any less, or whatever word they'd use to describe the situation if _that_ word was off limits. What did get to him was that Rufus had said the word love in reference to Tseng.

Reno could accept that Rufus couldn't say he loved anyone. Couldn't let himself get close. He was fine with what they had, what they didn't need to put a name to. He wasn't fine with the thought that they weren't on the same page, that there wasn't an unspoken something.

"You're not safe," said Rufus, "you don't matter any less than he did. I couldn't have loved him anymore than I could love you. It's not a possibility with anyone. The only difference if he would have loved me, even if he wouldn't have admitted it aloud. I think he did love me, and that would have made things complicated. You're fine with how things are. You don't expect promises I can't make; you won't make promises that you can't keep."

"Saying I love you is a promise?" asked Reno.

"Or something very similar," said Rufus. "It implies a duty. That your life isn't wholly your own anymore, but belongs in part to someone else. At least that's how I understand it. I don't like the word, it's too imprecise." Rufus shook his head.

"Guess so," said Reno. "I still think 'nothing promised, no regrets' seems pretty safe."

"Perhaps you're right. But Reno, I want you to know that even though I cared for Tseng I care for you as well. Besides which, I chose _you_ didn't I. Yes; I had my reasons for not pursuing him. With his position within the Turks, my intentions might have been misunderstood. Besides, I always looked up to him. We were never on equal footing, you're my peer Reno, Tseng never was, at least until I became President. He was more like a teacher, off limits. Until…well until it was too late. I don't mean to hurt you, saying all this…I don't even know what I'm saying. Probably far more than I should."

"I don't mind that you cared about him. That you wanted him," said Reno. "We were never in any sort of committed monogamous thing. You know I've had lots of people in my bed, right? Well, if I had other people in my heart it wouldn't make you matter less, yo." He thought of Cissnei, the girl who might have been something if things had been different. "It's just…you told me how you feel about him, but I have no idea how you feel about me, other than a general notion that our relationship is convenient."

"I never told _him_ how I felt," Rufus pointed out. He let go of Reno's hand and ran both hands through his hair, "Or how much he meant to me. It wouldn't be right to say so, or maybe I couldn't bear the thought of Tseng rejecting me or losing what we had. I needed to be able to turn to him, and I thought he might..."

"He'd have never," said Reno. "I know you meant a lot to him."

"Does it matter?" asked Rufus. "Anymore? Tseng's gone forever, and I'll never have the chance."

"Hey now," said Reno, "no regrets. You can't change the past; regret just tears you up inside. You be sorry about things, and try to make up for them, because that means a hell of a lot more than just being sorry, but regret doesn't do any good."

"So should I tell you I _love _you?" asked Rufus. "Before it's too late? And if you dare die on me Reno I will fucking kill you!" He broke out laughing and shook his head. Reno stood and leaned in to cup Rufus's face and kiss him. Because Rufus needed the touch, but Reno wasn't sure if Rufus would let him hold him.

Rufus took a deep breath and got to his feet. "I need to get going, don't I?" he asked. The mask of calm composure had returned. "I'll have to go to my rooms and grab another suit jacket before we leave."

"What happened to the one you were wearing?" asked Reno.

"I let Elena cry on my shoulder," said Rufus.

Reno tilted his head in confusion. That wasn't something he'd ever expected to hear Rufus say. Maybe he should have. There was a lot to Rufus that he didn't show, not to anyone. He wasn't like Elena; she wore her heart on her sleeve. "So you're not mad at her for hitting you?"

"I asked for it," said Rufus. "In fact, I sort of admire her for it. She doesn't let anyone push her around. Besides, she loved Tseng; she's hurting; I can understand her being a little out of control. In fact I envy her. You don't know what I'd give to be like her. To cry and scream, and let the whole world know exactly how I feel. I shouldn't be saying this. I'm going to go get my coat." Rufus stood and moved towards the door. "Is everything ready for my departure?"

"Yep," said Reno. "So…you really think it's the Promised Land?"

"I never really believed in that," said Rufus, "but if I manage to find something my father wanted but never got it'll make this day slightly better. Besides, whatever it is, it'll be valuable. The people want a quick solution to energy problems and think drilling is an instant magical solution. Finding a hot spot should placate them for a while. If we could build a reactor in a particularly rich area, maybe we could shut down a few where the environmental impact has been greatest. Keep up with demand while we work to transition to more sustainable forms of energy and stockpile as much materia as we can. The price will skyrocket once artificial production is limited or shut down entirely."

Reno gave no response; wasn't sure what to say. It was one those conversations Tseng would have been better at. No wonder Rufus had cared for Tseng, the man could keep up with him when he went on about things like this.

Rufus sighed and shook his head. "Oh but look at me, I'm planning for a future we may not live to see. Honestly Reno, I don't care if it's the Promised Land. Right now, I'm afraid it's not going to matter. The way things are headed, I fear our only concern will be survival."

"Awful grim," said Reno. "Things have been bad before."

"Not like this," said Rufus.

"Yeah," said Reno. He frowned and looked away. "Did you read the latest report? Aerith isn't with Cloud's party. I think she was…"

"It seems like everything is dying," said Rufus, "and all that's left is to mourn."

"No, all that's left is to do what we can while we're still here," said the Turk. Reno was still here, which meant now he had a chance to say the word neither of them would ever say. He could break unspoken agreement, and tell Rufus what he meant in case he never got the chance.

It was pointless though, if he told Rufus he loved him and then died, it wouldn't make things any better. If he didn't die, then there was always later. When the mess was done, and things were just a bit safer, maybe he'd tell him then. After all, it wasn't like there was much danger of losing Rufus anytime soon.

**AN: Thanks to my Beta Licoriceallsorts, you're amazing! Also thanks to you and Redcherryamber for the bits of inspiration that influenced this fic. **


	4. Hearts We Leave Behind

_ To live in hearts we leave behind. Is not to die. – Thomas Campbell_

* * *

><p>Tseng stirred, his eyes blinking open. He looked around the small room, but didn't dare sit up. The walls were barren except for a small window, left open just a crack. Sunlight streamed through the window, along with cool winter air. Over the scent of antiseptic that hung heavy in the room, Tseng smelled the sea air mingled with the tang of rusted metal.<p>

It could only be Junon.

How did he get here? How was he alive at all? Then it came back to him.

Reeve Tuesti and that ridiculous robotic cat of his.

Tseng was alive thanks to Reeve. They'd been allied before, and even though Tseng had his doubts about Reeve's loyalty to Shin-ra, it seemed the man still counted Tseng as a friend. Then again, perhaps Reeve just wasn't the sort leave a man to die.

As Tseng lay dying he had waited for his mind to merge with the Lifestream, if such a thing even existed. Perhaps the reason nothing happened was because there was nothing waiting after death…

* * *

><p>He was pulled back from the brink, eyes snapping open. Someone must have used a Phoenix Down, the magic could not truly bring back the dead but it could pull you from the brink. Tseng opened his eyes to see the odd little robot cat riding a Giant Mog.<p>

"That was close, Tseng," said Cait Sith.

Tseng was dazed, but he managed to remember the mission. "Where's the Black Materia?" he asked.

The robot gave no response, but stood still. For a moment Tseng worried it had stopped working, but then it spoke again.

"Excuse me. I'm controlling both No.1 and No. 2 at the same time - it can be a little difficult."

"I see," said Tseng. In truth, Tseng didn't see. He wasn't entirely sure Reeve piloted that thing at all, so he couldn't truly appreciate the difficulty. All the same, he didn't want to distract Reeve, so he waited until he was free to speak.

"I've handed the Black Materia over to Cloud for the time being," he said at last. "That _is_ a wiser choice than letting Sephiroth have it, yes?"

Tseng chuckled to himself, Reeve had just handed over a powerful weapon to AVALANCHE, and he was trying to justify his actions to a Turk.

Cloud. The boy was linked to everything that had happened so far. In many ways he was a great mystery that remained unsolved but one fact about Cloud remained clear: Cloud was somehow necessary.

Cloud was tied to everything that had happened, perhaps tied to Sephiroth himself as result of Hojo's experiments. Cloud has a SOLDIER's eyes, and Tseng couldn't help but think of Zack. Is that what drew Aerith to Cloud, the reminder, or that fact that Cloud and Zack had shared some deep bond? After they'd escaped Hojo's clutches, Zack had fled for his life and carried Cloud, nearly dead from Mako poison, with him.

Perhaps Zack would put another's life before his own survival because it was his nature, but Tseng suspected there was more to it, some deep bond between the men. Had Zack asked Cloud to look after Aerith? If he had, did Cloud remember? Cloud didn't even seem clear on who he was. "Cloud has the Black Materia?" asked Tseng. He couldn't help but think. _But he's just a kid_.

Tseng thought of Aerith. The knowledge that she was with Cloud had been a comfort, because at least she had someone to look after her. If Cloud was anything like Zack, he'd do anything for her sake. However, the fact remained, Cloud was a mentally unstable ex-lab specimen who was now in possession of a Materia capable of blowing up the entire world. Would Aerith be safe with this man?

Tseng knew it was his own fault she was involved in all this. He'd carried out Shinra's orders, and forced her to flee the safe haven of her church. Now she was in the company of terrorists in hot pursuit of an insane SOLDIER Frist class who'd returned from dead with near god-like powers. Tseng had faced Sephiroth, and it seemed there was nothing anyone could do against him.

But perhaps if anyone stood a chance of keeping Aerith safe is was Cloud. For all Tseng's doubts about Cloud, he knew that Cloud was all they had: the only one left who might match Sephiroth in combat.

Of course, Tseng's concerns were of little consequence. The future wasn't his to know, and at the moment there was nothing he could do about whatever would come of this. In any case, Tseng had to admit Reeve had a point, better Cloud have the Black Materia than Sephiroth. Magic with such destructive capability could not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands.

"Yes," said Reeve.

"I see," said Tseng. He didn't really trust in Cloud, but at least the Black Materia had eluded Sephiroth's grasp, and no matter what happened, Aerith had someone to keep her safe where Tseng had failed.

"Try to relax, sir," said Reeve, "I'll contact Shin-ra for you."

Tseng closed his eyes and let out a ragged breath. The magic that had revived him could only do so much. He was still wounded, and his body was still wracked by pain. "Right," he said.

"One more thing," said Reeve, "My identity as a spy has been found out but I'm going to stay with them. They're quite an intriguing bunch. I'm very interested in what they will do. Right, let's get you moved somewhere."

There were a number of things Tseng wanted to ask, but as the Giant Mog lifted him up, another wave of agonizing pain wracked his body. Tseng couldn't remember any more after that.

Consciousness returned intermittently. He woke when someone lifted him off the Mog. Night had fallen, but the moon was bright enough to se by, and there electric lights coming from a boat. By this light he could make out three men. The largest of them took Tseng's upper body while the other two grabbed his legs.

"Careful big guy," said one of the men who had Tseng's legs. "Sure you got him, Vaughn?" Tseng recognized that voice. It was Danny! These men had been his Turks once.

"I can bench press you, fluffy," retorted Vaughn. Tseng almost laughed at that, because it was true, given his size, strength, his status as a martial arts master and the fact that Danny was practically Reno's twin in build as well as weapon preference.

" That ain't sayin much, Rod's a bean pole," said another man, laughing to himself. Tseng knew his laugh as well as his voice, Zechariah.

"Whatever, Two-guns," Danny retorted. "Em' not that skinny."

"Oh come on, you can't deny it Danny Boy," said Zechariah still laughing.

"Just shut it Two Guns, and help me get his legs," said Danny.

The three men carried Tseng up a gangplank and onto a boat. Vaughn looked down at him and smiled. "Don't worry, boss," he said. "You're safe now." Tseng knew he was safe; these men were his former subordinates. They had been Turks once, and that meant the sort of loyalty that didn't die easily. Then again, Turks themselves didn't die easily. Everyone thought these men were dead, after all.

So many questions raced through Tseng's mind. _Why did Reeve contact these people and not the company directly?_ _How did Reeve manage to contact these people?_

Tseng had never managed to get into contact with these three men. Question after question came to his mind but Tseng didn't have the strength to say anything. Then darkness took him once again.

Now he was here, some room in Junon. How much time had passed? It could have been a long time. Had anyone informed the company that he was alive? What had happened to Elena? She had been his partner on the mission, but Tseng had sent her off to contact Rufus. Their PHS's couldn't get a signal in the Temple, or even near the Temple for that matter. There was some sort of interference. Elena had left right before Sephiroth had ambushed him. If Elena had stayed any longer then she might have been there too. Tseng sighed; Elena had gotten lucky, thank goodness for small miracles.

Elena was just a rookie; she'd probably assume the worst and blamed herself for not being there. Tseng knew she had something of a crush on him. She wasn't exactly good at hiding it.

Tseng had planned to talk to her about it over dinner once they finished the mission. Maybe he hadn't chosen the best words. When he'd mentioned getting dinner she'd blushed like a schoolgirl, and could barely get her response out.

Elena was so young.

She was fourteen years his junior to be exact and much too young for him. Still, he understood the crush for that reason; lots of girls her age liked older men. She likely admired him as a Turk and superior, and this somehow led to displaced feelings of romance. What would her sister say if she knew? Regardless, Tseng hadn't meant to encourage her; he meant to tell her over dinner all the reasons why they couldn't do this. Instead he'd given her false hope, and then gone missing directly afterwards. The fact Elena cared for him meant thinking he'd died would be even harder for her to take. Tseng had to get in touch with her as soon as possible. He had to get in touch with all of them. Reno, Rude, and Rufus.

_Rufus._ Had Elena told their President what they'd found? How much did he know about the Black Materia and Sephiroth?

The door opened and two men entered the room, one was a doctor; the other was someone Tseng had thought he'd never see again. "Veld! So the others were with you all the time?" he asked. Despite his surprise, Tseng tried to maintain his composure. "I suppose, that seems fitting. How did you find them?"

"I've been gathering forces, in case we're needed," said Veld. "But now's not the time to catch up, son. This is doctor Tennant, he's going to look after you."

"You're going to need surgery," said the doctor, "And the sooner we begin, the better."

Veld must have read Tseng's expression, because he put a gentle hand on Tseng's shoulder. "Relax, you're not going anywhere until you've recovered, and you'll be no use to anyone useless you get well."

* * *

><p>After the surgery it soon became clear that Tseng would indeed recover, but it would take time. Lying there in the hospital bed, Veld standing over him or sitting by his side, Tseng was reminded of when he was just a rookie.<p>

He'd been wounded while on a mission, and had fully expected that he would die that day. He would have, if not for Veld. They'd pursued a group of terrorists onto their ship but their quarry realized it was over, that the Turks had won. With nothing left to lose, the terrorists detonated a bomb. They would take down the ship and the Turks along with it.

The ship had collapsed around them. Veld and Tseng had fled, but as Tseng ran he was knocked the ground by a chunk of debris. The heavy piece of rent metal had crushed down on him, pinning him to the spot. He'd told his commander to leave him, but Veld had come back despite Tseng's protests. Veld had risked his own life and was left permanently scarred as a result of his efforts, but he had saved Tseng that day.

The injuries Tseng had sustained on that day, years ago, had been less severe than Veld's own. Back then, he had been the one to stand over his bedside and tell him to rest. Now that their roles were reversed Tseng supposed he shouldn't be too annoyed at Veld for doing the same.

"Can't you at least let them know I'm alive?" said Tseng. "I don't think a phone call will hinder my recovery too much."

"Reeve assured me he'd inform the Turks that you're all right," said Veld, "So you don't have to fret about your colleagues or Rufus worrying over you. I know you'd probably prefer to make contact yourself, but we can't risk it. If the call were traced…besides, contact now would lead to questions. Where are you? How are you alive? Yes, Rufus, the Turks and obviously Reeve know that we're alive, but we can't afford to have word of our conspiracy or Rufus's part in it spread. Even Reeve doesn't know of Rufus's involvement. Rufus may be President now, but his power is not absolute, and his part in the cover up—"

"I know," said Tseng. "The last thing Rufus needs right now is a boardroom coup, or a full scale rebellion. As long as Heidegger controls the army Rufus needs his loyalty. Even Scarlet's necessary in times like these, her weapons may very well be Shin-ra's salvation."

"Ah yes, Scarlet," said Veld. "Do you know why Reeve brought you here instead of contacting Shin-ra directly."

"The question had crossed my mind," said Tseng.

"We've been monitoring things," said Veld, "as best we can. Our intelligence indicates that Scarlet is still out for your blood, no matter what President Rufus's feelings are on the matter, and Reeve knows it."

"Has he been monitoring things as well?" asked Tseng. Once again he had a flash of doubt as to where Reeve's loyalties lay. Was his interest in Cloud's group passing curiosity or a desire to throw his lot in with them?

"I can't say," said Veld with a shrug. "All I know is that your injuries would have provided a perfect opportunity for Scarlet to be rid of you. The surgery was risky under the best circumstances, no one would have questioned it if you had died on the table, or sometimes afterwards due to 'complications.' She could have had you killed right under the President's nose without anyone being the wiser."

Tseng snorted, but tried not laugh as laughing hurt in his current condition. "That would probably add to the appeal for her."

"I agree," said Veld, "If I know Scarlet, she probably blames Rufus for robbing her of her prize in the first place."

"As well as the Presidency," said Tseng, "if not for a blood heir Shin-ra may have very well fallen to her after the President's death." Rufus was close to the Turks; killing off one of Rufus's favored servants would probably give Scarlet satisfaction, with the added bonus that she'd wanted Tseng dead for quite some time. Scarlet was petty and didn't let grudges go lightly. "I understand," said Tseng, "but I suppose this means I won't be able to contact anyone until I'm able to return."

"Unfortunately that seems to be the case," said Veld, "so I'd suggest doing all you can to recover as quickly as possible."

His former commander insisted Tseng stay off his feet, and wouldn't hear of him leaving until he was "well enough". This would be measured by Veld's standards, because he knew if left to his own devices Tseng would fight his way through the pain and push himself well beyond his limits.

Of course, Veld couldn't really keep him here, or rather Tseng doubted his former commander and his onetime subordinates would hold him captive against his will. He wasn't a prisoner; he was…well that only word that really fit was family.

Usually if people say "like family", the "like" in fact meant "not really" family. He'd overheard plenty of Midgar's elite refer to their servants as like family, usually in response to discussion of mistreatment of Wutaian immigrants. _'I don't believe it, we have an immigrant working for us as a maid and she's like family.' _The truth was that in most cases nothing except blood was family. Even Veld himself had chosen to save his daughter rather than stay with the Turks. All the same, to Tseng there was no other word to describe what it was to be a Turk.

Well, perhaps there was a word in Wutaian that served his meaning more. Although Wutaian was not his native language Tseng could speak it if needed, and he did have a certain appreciation for its nuances. In Wutaian there was a word that meant colleague, compatriot, friend or comrade, but more than that, family but not by blood.

The bond between Turks ran deep, although it was a strange sort of loyalty because while they were Turks their chief loyalty was supposed to be to the company and their mission, rather than to one another. At times it had been a difficult balance to strike. Still, he knew these people; even if they were no longer loyal to Shin-ra - they were fugitives assumed to be dead. after all - Tseng trusted their loyalty to him. Whatever Veld and the others were doing, Tseng was sure they had his best interests at heart.

Still, forcing himself to just stay in bed took almost more than he could bear. There was work to be done, and he couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible was about to happen or already had. To make matters worse, all his worrying just seemed to make the time drag by all the slower.

At the very least, Tseng did not want for company. His former colleagues were busy, but they made time to see him. It had been months since he'd seen them last, but something about expecting to never see someone again made the time seem longer. As though they were part of some other life.

Today's visitor was Rosalind, a small blond woman who rivaled Tseng himself at marksmanship. Tseng had always liked Rosalind. She was no-nonsense, professional, but loyal to a fault: a perfect Turk.

It was strange to see her smiling when she came in, and he knew right away the expression was forced.

"Has something happened?" he asked.

"Nothing you need to worry about right now," she replied.

"If you aren't going to allow me any outside contact, you could at least let me know what's going on out there."

She shook her head, and for a moment Tseng would have sworn he was looking at Elena. After weeks of being around her younger sister it was strange to see Rosalind again. Their resemblance was striking.

"We understand how you feel, Tseng," she said. "We've been in hiding for months. Do you know how frustrating it's been? Having to keep a low profile, not get involved, not being able to contact anyone? There's not a moment I don't worry about Laney." Rosalind sighed, and looked away. "I never thought there'd come a day when I'd actually _miss _talking to her."

"Well, she is your sister," said Tseng.

"Only by blood," said Rosalind. "I suppose you could say we never really saw eye to eye. She was always so unhappy with everything and sometimes I felt like she hated me."

"Really?" ask Tseng. This wasn't the conversation he wanted to be having, but Tseng knew Rosalind wouldn't tell him everything he wanted to know. There were so many questions eating at him. Was Rufus all right? What had become of Cloud's party and Aerith?

Still, as maddening as the enforced idleness had been at first, he appreciated the opportunity to catch up with his old 'brothers and sisters." All the years they'd worked together seemed so short now that they were gone, and there had never been enough time to talk about matters unrelated to work.

"She hated our father, and resented me for having a good relationship with him. Not that we were really close. Dad didn't get close to anyone, not after mom. He was more like a teacher, a commander. I never actually called him Dad to his face; it was always Sir. _Sir,_ y_es sir. Sir, no sir. Right away sir. I'm sorry sir_. We were military. It was how things worked. I never minded, because he pushed me and I wanted to be pushed. Had to be the best if I wanted to be a Turk, and he always encouraged me, in his way. I don't think Laney really understood. What I saw as tough love she thought was hatred, what I accepted as discipline she saw as abuse."

Tseng thought of Elena. Her easy smile, and the calendar with pictures of kittens she had on her desk. The way she'd sometimes giggle at things before catching herself and trying to look serious. Sometimes he thought a harsh word from anyone would break her. She was always stumbling over herself to apologize for everything.

"She and dad would get into fights a lot," Rosalind continued. "I think she blamed me for taking his side, even though it wasn't about taking sides. It was about Laney being ridiculous and irresponsible. She was always so immature."

"You were always so grown up," said Tseng. "I remember when I first met you, it was at your mother's funeral."

"Oh this story," said Rosalind, "my father _loved_ to tell this story. Actually, I don't remember meeting you. How old were you then?"

"Fourteen," said Tseng. "So I take it you don't like this story."

"My father didn't understand at all," said Rosalind. "I wasn't being mature, I was terrified. I thought if I cried or got upset that mom would have been…I don't know, disappointed? I wanted to be a good daughter. I wanted to be what I thought a Turk should be."

"At eight years old?" asked Tseng.

"Yes, even then," said Rosalind. "I wanted to be like mom. Even though she was gone and I knew she wouldn't be coming back, she told me that she'd never leave me even if something happened."

The words spilled out of her as fast as blood from a severed artery. Her voice became more ragged with every word. Tseng had never seen her like this. Rosalind's mother had died years ago; was the wound still this raw, or had something else happened?

Rosalind took a breath, composing herself. "She said she was a part of me, that she'd never be gone because she'd live in me. I thought that meant I had to…I don't know…I imagined her there beside me. If she lived in me, then I had to be everything she was and more. I was going to be a Turk just like her one day, but I was so afraid Veld wouldn't want me, if he saw that all I really wanted to do was cry and scream that I wanted my mommy."

"You never let yourself be a child," said Tseng. "Is that why you think your sister is immature?"

"What is this? A therapy session?" asked Rosalind.

"You started the conversation," said Tseng. "I'll agree Elena is young, but she's no worse than any rookie I've seen, and she may not seem tough but there's a tenacity about her. All she needs is confidence, and, well, perhaps more discipline. Still, I think she has what it takes to make a great Turk." He watched Rosalind. It was like she was hardly listening. She looked distant, almost like…

"Who died?" asked Tseng.

Rosalind's gaze snapped back to Tseng, her face blanched. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out.

"Is it Elena?" he asked. The dread that overwhelmed Tseng as he asked that question took him by surprise. He was accustomed to worry, concern for Rufus and Aerith had been a constant in his life, but he surprised to find he felt so strongly for Elena.

"What?" Rosalind asked, confusion clear in her voice despite being on the verge of tears. She wiped at her eyes. "Oh-no, no, Elena's fine, as far as I know."

"Then who?" asked Tseng. Something had happened, he was sure of it. He'd never seen Rosalind break down like this.

"I…I'm not—" she said, "it won't do you any good to know, there's nothing you can do or could have done. It's too late now. You have a right to know, but I don't want to make things worse. You need to get better, I'm so afraid that…I don't…I don't…"

"Rosalind," said Veld. The commander was standing in the door. She looked back at him, apology plain on her face, just like her sister.

"I know what you said," said Rosalind, "and I didn't mean to... I was talking about other things but I just…"

"It's all right," said Veld. He put an arm around her shoulder. He then fixed his gaze on Tseng. "I had wanted to wait to tell you until you were better, but you have a right to know. It would be wrong to keep this from you. I know how much you cared for her."

"Aerith?" asked Tseng.

"She's dead."

**AN: Thanks again to by beta LicoriceAllSorts, her contributions are greatly appreciated.**

**BC Turks**

**Vaughn = Martial Arts Male **

**Danny Boy = Rod**

**Zechariah = Two Guns**

**Rosalind = Gun Female**

**Some of these Turks are named in honor of the men who portray them my cosplay group (Shin-raEPC on Deviant Art). Thanks for letting me use your names and for being amazing. **


	5. Magic and Loss

_ There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out. - Lou Reed, "Magic and Loss"_

* * *

><p>Sephiroth had obtained the Black Materia from Cloud and used it to cast the ultimate black magic: Meteor. The short version was, simply put, the end of the world. The given estimation was that if Meteor reached impact everything on the Planet would be gone in a matter of days.<p>

Rude didn't know how to take that.

He had seen troubled times before. He'd lost friends and colleagues over the years. He'd fallen in love with women far too good for a guy like him and had far more heartache than joy to show for it. There was many a time he'd thought for sure he was going to die. Then of course, he had killed people, sometimes with his bare hands.

There were times he'd looked at his hands and wondered if they could have been put to better use than violence. There was a lot a man could do with his hands. Pet a cat. Prune the edges on a bonsai tree. Rake a Zen rock garden. Paint a picture of what you wished the world could look like. Offer a present to someone you cared for. Pull a woman close as you danced. Hold a baby.

A Turk called the Legend had taught Rude how to make bombs. Rude was good with his hands. Good with explosives and throwing punches. Crushing, breaking, and killing, that's what Rude did with his hands.

Rude spoke little, but thought often. He mused on things. Not that he had regrets. This was where he belonged, a Knight of Shin-ra.

* * *

><p>When he was young he didn't have much ambition. No high ideals about a certain calling in life. Rude was an Upper Plate kid from Sector Four, but being Upper Plate didn't mean you were born with a mythril spoon. His parents worked hard for their money. Then when his dad passed away gil got tight. It was a heart attack when he was about ten; no one saw it coming. After that Rude just did what he could to help his mom get by. Odd jobs here and there, sweeping up shop, running errands. Anything he could to make a few gil. One day he saw an ad in the paper, amateurs invited to try out for prizefight. The winner was promised a good sum of cash, and as long as you were fourteen or older anyone could try. Rude figured, he was thirteen and he could get an ID that said he was a bit older, so why not? It was either this or wait a year and join the army. As much as Rude wanted to help his family with money he wasn't ready to enlist just yet.<p>

His old man had taught him to box as a kid, and he had won a few fights on the playground. So Rude had trained up, and entered the fight. Then he'd gotten his ass handed to him.

But even though he lost, Rude managed to catch the eye of a trainer. A man by the name of Butch said he saw potential and offered Rude a deal. He'd train him up for free and in return he'd take half of Rude's winnings. Eventually, Rude would get to the point where he didn't need a trainer. Then he could go on his way and keep whatever he earned. It seemed like a fair deal.

A couple years in and Rude had proved himself well worth Butch's time. The crowds loved seeing teens in the ring, because youth can make a man vicious. Even more the betting men like to see pups take on the old dogs. Which would win out: years of experience but a body past its prime, or the sheer force of teenage ruthlessness? Generally, the odds were against the young, but Butch always bet on his student, and more often than not it paid off. Between betting and prizes they were doing pretty well. But in time Rude found the odds began to favor him; he was getting that good.

It was strange really. Rude had never thought of himself as a violent man. He'd enjoyed school, and loved reading especially. A quiet life that included libraries would suit Rude best. Perhaps he'd study poetry or philosophy in Junon. As soon as he earned enough money to afford tuition and look after his mother's affairs he planned to give up fighting for good. Then his mother landed a higher paying job in Costa Del Sol, she made plans to leave the city. Rude was left with less responsibility and even more reason to quit the game.

Butch had thought he was crazy. Walking away would be a waste of Gaia given talent. The truth was Butch didn't care much about talent, Gaia given or otherwise, so much as he cared about money.

In fact, he cared about money more than a lot of things, like honor, decency, and plain common sense. Butch knew Rude planned to walk and once Rude got out there'd go his meal ticket. The way Butch saw it, there was no guarantee he'd happen upon another kid with half as much promise. So if Rude was getting out, Butch wanted to make as much money as possible before he was gone. Sort of a severance fee, you could say.

It just so happened that a certain mob boss, Don Nefando, wanted to fix a fight. Butch made a deal. Rude would throw the fight and in exchange they'd get a nice pay out. Rude himself wasn't there when the deal was made, because Butch didn't want Rude or Nefando to be tempted to cut out the middleman. Butch made the deal on his own, got the money up front, and figured that paying Rude some of that, combined with the threat of death if he didn't go along with plan, would be enough to ensure Rude's cooperation. Besides, what did Rude care about his reputation? He was getting out anyway. Right? At least that's how Butch saw it. Rude didn't even know he'd made the deal until after it was done.

"You can't say no," said Butch, "you do and we're both dead."

Now Rude wasn't the sort of person to betray another's trust, or back out of a deal. The problem was Rude hadn't made this deal; Butch had made the deal without bothering to consult him. Now, he was trying to coerce Rude into going along with it when there was nothing in it for him. Rude didn't need the extra money; he had enough to get by. Besides, honor and pride were worth more than money.

If he'd actually cared about Butch it would have been a different story. Their relationship was, at best, symbiotic, but parasitic seemed more apt. Sure, Butch had helped him become a better fighter, but the amount Butch took out of Rude's winnings was way more than it would have cost to pay a trainer. Of course, at the time Butch made his offer Rude couldn't have afforded a trainer. Butch had made it sound like Rude was getting a service for free. After all, he wouldn't be paying out of his own money, just hypothetical future money he might or might not win. Now Rude realized that Butch would have quit training him if he hadn't won, and the more he won the more he began to see the money he bled for as his money.

Even though Butch had taken advantage of him, Rude was willing to let that go, after all he'd agreed to Butch's offer. There was no reason they couldn't part ways on good terms. Then Butch had tried to use him this one last time and something snapped.

Rude's personal integrity mattered way more than Butch's sorry skin. Butch was the one who'd made a deal with gangsters; the way Rude saw it; that was _his_ problem.

As for himself, Rude wasn't afraid of what they might do. His mother had already moved out, and the lease on their apartment was up at the end of the month. After the fight Rude planned to skip town and disappear. He had enough money to do it, and why should the mob bother tracking him down outside of Midgar? He wasn't the one who'd made the deal, let them take it up with Butch.

It was that whole teenage mentality: a simple inability to understand how things worked in the real world.

Rude won the fight, and very nearly lost his life. A couple of Nefando's goons grabbed him before he even got out of the building.

The goons had taken Rude to a warehouse where they liked to conduct certain business. There they'd tied Rude to a chair, placed a strip of duct tape over his mouth and let Nefando explained how things were gonna go.

"You see," he said, "what you failed to understand is that when you're dealing with me it's always in your best interest to want what I want. So for instance, I wanted you to throw this fight. Had you done what I'd wanted you'd be a much happier man today."

Rude couldn't exactly reply in his current position, but his eyes spoke volumes.

"Oh I see how it is," said Nefando. "Maybe you weren't trying to upset me, we just weren't on the same page. Thing is though, my point still stands. You should want what I want. Now to show you the error of your ways, I'm going to teach you to want what I want. Right now, I want you dead, and by the time my boys get through with you, you'll want to be dead too. However, I'm not going to kill you, not until you really want to die. Because then I'll be sure that this time, we're on the same fucking page."

Nefando reached beneath his jacket pocket and pulled out what looked to be a nightstick. "See this," he crooned flicking his wrist to extend the baton, "looks like a simple instrument but it's not. It's Shin-ra tech." He flipped a switched and the end of the rod sparked. "See I do a lot of business, and part of what I do, black market weapons trading specifically, gets me all kinds of toys. We'll get to this in a bit, but I think we'll start out simple. Since you didn't grasp the concept of what it means to lose a fight, we'll start by giving you a taste of what it feels like. Then we'll move on to more _shocking _things." He flared the electric spark again for effect, and then looked to the two men who stood behind him. "Teach him, boys."

Then moved in on Rude and began to pummel him. Rude had taken hits before, but he'd never taken a beating like this. It didn't last long though, a shot rang out somewhere in the warehouse and the goons stopped. Then there was shouting. They turned away from Rude to look towards the where all the commotion was coming from. Don Nefando backed up a few steps in the opposite direction.

When the Turks came into view, and Nefando realized exactly what was going down, he flat out turned tail and ran.

In the mean time, Rude took the distraction as an opportunity to work his way out of the bonds. The rope they'd used wasn't very strong, not stronger than him anyway. It took some straining, but he'd managed to get free. The goons were shooting at the Turks, and were too focused on that to notice Rude. Rude decked one of them and he went out like a light. The other turned to see what had happened, and he went down just as fast.

The plan was simple then. Get out and try not to get caught in the crossfire. Fight any of Nefando's men that got in his way. So it was that Rude ended up fighting alongside the Shin-ra Turks. When it became clear that there was no getting out of the building except in Turk custody, he'd surrendered to them and explained the situation.

Rude had assumed since he had nothing to do with Nefando's dealings the Turks would let him go. He also assumed that since Shin-ra now had it out for Nefando's gang he had nothing more to worry about.

However, Veld had explained that he'd made a lot of enemies by not throwing that fight. A lot people knew about the fix, and weren't happy about the money they'd lost because of Rude. Although Veld would be perfectly happy to let him go, Rude should know he'd still have to run, and might not be so lucky next time. Alternatively, could take this as an opportunity to try out for the department. If he got in he'd become a part of their team. Untouchable, because no matter what Rude had done in the past, most people knew better than to target one of Shin-ra's own. Furthermore it came with a nice salary, and his mother would not only be protected as part the whole 'untouchable' equation but well looked after financially.

All Veld required was one simple assurance; a promise, more important than any vow Rude had ever made.

"Just one more thing," said Veld. "About Butch, he trained you, and the he asked you to help him out, take a fall, but you wouldn't?"

"No," said Rude, "I didn't owe him anything."

Veld chuckled and shook his head. "You're luck to be alive and you still can't admit you were stupid. Do you know why people pay so much to see teens brawl?"

Rude shook his head.

"Teenagers are different, biologically," said Veld. "There's a part of the brain that hasn't fully developed in teenagers. The part governing things like knowing the difference between a good idea and a stupid one, understanding future consequences for current actions, and considering what's best for other people or socially acceptable as opposed to simply allowing impulse to take the lead. It made for exciting fights, and unpredictability. Teenagers strut through the word like gods, fully convinced of their own immortality, but the fights prove how very mortal they could be. All the things that made teenagers entertaining fighters also make them difficult to manage."

"Sir," interrupted Rude, "I never gave Butch any trouble."

"But you were willing to let him die by refusing to throw the fight," said Veld. "Ah, don't worry. I understand what you did. If Butch were a parent he might have known. Unfortunately, Butch was a washed up old boxer turned con man. He wanted an easy meal ticket, and didn't have the smarts to realize that one should never a deal that requires someone else's cooperation unless you're absolutely certain you can count on them to hold up their end of the bargain. From what you said you never had real reason to be loyal to Butch, so you didn't play along."

"That about sums it up, sir," said Rude.

"Well," said Veld, "I am giving you reason to be loyal to me and the Turks. I'll give you a new life and see that you're looked after. But you're going to have to understand something. We can't afford rash actions, you have to think of the your mission first, your team second, and then yourself. You can make some mistakes, you're young, and you're human, but you sign up with me expect to be disciplined if you screw up. Be prepared to swallow your pride, because there's no room for it here, only the pride you have as a Turk."

"Yes, sir," said Rude. "I won't let you down."

So Rude had thrown his lot in with the Turks. It had seemed like a good deal at the time.

Unlike the deal with Butch, Veld's offer turned out to be a legitimately good deal.

* * *

><p>It was almost funny to think about it. Rude assumed that for most people going to work was the beginning of some great chore, but to Rude the Turks' offices had always felt like home. Maybe because the real work was done outside of the office, but there was still something to be said for a job that gave an employee that kind of feeling.<p>

Despite the bad times and the hard questions, Rude never really regretted his decision to become a Turk. Over the years he'd learned that not everything the department did was strictly moral and more and more he'd come to find that many people thought the Turks no better than the sort of gangsters who had gotten Rude into this in the first place.

Of course, such people had the wrong idea. Yeah, the Turks did Shin-ra's dirty work, but there was much more to the job. They were peacekeepers and guardians of Shin-ra's interests. It used to be that most everybody in the department believed in Shin-ra and felt almost patriotic towards the company. The Turks worked to preserve the Shin-ra way of life. They did whatever Shin-ra asked of them to that purpose, but they weren't a bunch of thugs and psychopaths.

* * *

><p>He remembered the first time he'd been invited to watch an interrogation. The purpose of the invitation was so he could watch and learn. However, at the time he thought Natalya wanted him there for the purpose of intimidation. Natalya was a good Turk, but she wasn't exactly frightening, she seemed more like an elementary school teacher than a professional killer. A well-built young man standing behind her would certainly up the intimidation factor, or would he be expected to do more than stand here? Was he going to deliver a beating if their captives didn't cooperate? Rude hadn't liked the thought of that, because he didn't want to be like those goons. Rude wasn't the sort of man who could deliver pain with a song in his heart.<p>

All the same, he'd signed up for this. Whatever dirty work interrogation required, if it were part of the job he'd do it.

To Rude's surprise, the interrogation proved to be a rather civil affair. They both sat down at a table opposite the prisoner, Rude's features were as blank as the walls of the room, while Natalya seemed almost friendly. It turned out that interrogation didn't necessarily involve threats or torture. Natalya simply to spoke to the detainee, asked questions, listened, and even offered assurances. She got him to talk by talking to him.

Afterwards Rude voiced his confusion. "Somehow I thought interrogating a suspected terrorist would be…harsher."

"Treat people like human beings and they'll cooperate like human beings," she told Rude. "The goal is to get as much information as possible. People will let a lot slip if they're comfortable. There are other methods, of course, but those have drawbacks. Treat someone like an enemy; like you're punishing them, then they won't be so keen on talking to you. Enhanced interrogation techniques can also yield unreliable information. Think about it, if someone's hurting you and all you want is for it to stop you'll say anything to make it stop, but that anything might not be the truth. Besides, the techniques might not exactly_ help _our guests to remember. For example, you're close with your mum, right? Were you with her on her last birthday?"

"Yes," said Rude.

"What was she wearing?"

"I…I don't remember," he said.

"Think about it," she said. "That's the thing about memory. It's not perfect at recalling details instantly. Now imagine trying to recall those details if you're drowning where you sit, and someone's screaming you at you to tell them everything you know."

"I see your point," said Rude, "but surely, if there's a ticking bomb and a guy knows how to deactivate it, wouldn't you do whatever it took to get him to talk?"

"One technique isn't necessarily faster than the other," she said. "It can actually take longer to break someone through torture than to gather the details by asking the right questions. Not that we're opposed to using more aggressive interrogation strategies, we do whatever works in a given situation."

"Ah, I see," said Rude.

"Why so keen on enhanced techniques anyway?" she asked. "Don't tell me you _want_ to do that kind of thing."

Rude's expression must have given away how he felt about that insinuation, because she immediately apologized.

"Sorry," she said, "just making sure. Sometimes we get the wrong sort of applicant. People who just want a license to do violence. That sort of…_animal_ has no place here."

* * *

><p>The Turks weren't animals. They were people, some of them very good people, but they were not nice people. Perhaps it was simply difficult to understand how a person could do bad things and not be a bad person. Perhaps it was easier to believe that anyone capable of certain things must be rotten to the core, because things were simpler that way. But the truth was, life wasn't simple, and neither were people. Natalya had been a wonderful woman, as warm as anything, but she'd lived and died a Turk. Rude didn't consider himself a man of violence, but at times efficiency required violence.<p>

Still, Rude found himself looking at his hands, and wondering what other purpose they might have had if things had worked out differently. He supposed it was normal for a man facing the prospect of death to contemplate the choices he'd made in life. Except, Rude had faced death plenty of times along with all the other terrible things that fell into the broad category of troubled times. Somehow this time felt different.

The thing about death was life went on. An individual's life might cease but life itself kept on going. Empires rose and fell, flowers bloomed then wilted, but even in a cycle where everything had an end, nothing really ended. A man might die, but the story of life went on in others. Like the Lifestream. It never stopped flowing, though the organisms that housed it were only temporary. A blade of grass broke down and its atoms became other things, and the Lifestream animated these new things for a while, before they too broke down and reformed into yet more things. There was no ultimate end to everything. Except for the end that Meteor would bring.

As grim as things were, no one expected it to really happen. Shin-ra was scrambling to respond and eliminate the threat. In Midgar's Sector Zero, not far from the Shin-ra building Reno and Rude looked up at the Sister Ray.

The so called Sister Ray was essentially the Junon Cannon, hastily transported to Midgar by air and rapidly assembled on iron pillars in Sector Eight, in a last ditch effort to save both themselves and the world.

Currently Shin-ra faced three threats, Sephiroth, Meteor, and the Weapons. The Weapons were the planet's own defenses, sort of like anti-bodies. They existed to defend the planet, but unfortunately, defending the planet required killing all life forms on the planet. The Junon Cannon had managed to destroy one Weapon in a single shot, and Shin-ra hoped the Sister Ray would solve all their problems just as easily.

The plan was to connect the Sister Ray to Midgar's dedicated Mako pipelines to fuel the cannon and then boost that power with a Huge Materia. As the energy surged through it would power the cannon with enough force to wipe out all enemies, including Sephiroth. It sounded simple enough, aim the cannon towards the Northern Crater where Sephiroth slept and hope it would be powerful enough to reach him there. Point and shoot. The hope was that if Sephiroth died, the nightmare that he had summoned in the skies with the Black Materia would disappear with him. Once the Planet was no longer at risk of being destroyed by Sephiroth and Meteor, it was theorized that the Weapons would return from whence they came.

"Theoretically, it's perfect," concluded Rude.

"Theoretically?" asked Reno. "What about non-theoretically?" He actually sounded concerned. It wasn't like Reno to be worried.

Rude looked at his partner. What did Reno want him to say? Did he want comfort? Reno had been Rude's partner for a long time, but they hadn't started out as equals.

Veld had given Rude a scrawny red haired orphan to look after until the kid was old enough to become a Turk. Rude was sixteen then, barely more than a rookie himself, and Reno was not quite thirteen. They'd only taken in Reno so young because through a series of bizarre circumstances he'd managed to save Rufus Shinra's life. Veld wanted to make a Turk out of the kid one day, and Reno had nowhere else to go, so they offered him a chance at a position, when he was old enough. In the meantime they'd enrolled him in school and it had been left to Rude to look after him during that time. Once Reno was fourteen and of age to join, Rude had become his mentor.

* * *

><p>It was all because of the puppy.<p>

When Rufus was eleven years old he'd run away from home. It was right after his mother's death, and in Rude's opinion it was understandable for a kid his age to act out. Unfortunately, Rufus's actions had put his life in grave danger. He'd been kidnapped and taken to a warehouse in the slums. The warehouse was used to raise Guard Hounds for dogfights, and the availability of cages and barks to muffle screaming made it an ideal place to take a captive.

The Turks had been tipped off that Rufus had last been seen with a red haired slum kid named Reno. As it turned out, Reno had befriended Rufus and was tracking him down to rescue him. The Turks in turn tracked Reno, and he led them straight to Rufus. Reno helped Rufus escape and Turks burst into the warehouse just in time to see the two kids surrounded by gangsters. Rufus had a Guard Hound puppy in his arms at the time, but dropped it during the ensuing gunfight.

Afterwards Rude saw the little ball of black fur huddled under a self-generated barrier spell. He approached the puppy, and knelt down beside it.

"Hey girl," he said, "it's okay." He reached out towards it, and the barrier dropped. Rude petted the poor trembling thing, and then scooped the tiny animal into his arms. It didn't seem right just to leave it there so he brought it back to HQ.

When Veld asked him about it he said he was going to take it to an animal shelter, because that sounded better than admitting he wanted a puppy. Reno, who was in Veld's custody at the time, broke in saying that it was Rufus's puppy, then went on to argue why they should let Rufus have it.

Veld agreed, so Rude handed off the puppy for Reno to give to Rufus.

"Oh don't be too disappointed, Rude," said Veld. "Since you like taking in strays you can have this one." The Commander ruffled Reno's wild hair. "This kid is going to need someone to look after him for awhile. Do you think you'd be up job? By the time he's ready to join the Turks, I think you'll be more than ready to mentor a rookie."

Of course, Rude hadn't refused. Even if one look at Reno told him that the kid was going to be more trouble than even the most destructive puppy ever could be. All the same, Rude had always wanted a little brother.

* * *

><p>Over the years Rude had gone from mentor to partner, but there was still a part of him that still thought of Reno as the kid he'd been assigned to look after. That part of him told him to save something comforting. However, Rude could not allow himself that because above all else his partner deserved honesty.<p>

"It leaves me concerned," said Rude.

"Then I'm relieved," said Reno, and he sounded it as well. Was he actually smiling?

"What do you mean?" asked Rude. There were times he wondered if Reno had taken too many knocks to the head.

"I thought I was the only one worried," said Reno. "It's good to know I'm not alone. Are we _seriously_ going to fire this thing? Don't we have to test it out first? Will Midgar be alright?"

"Would you be reassured if I said it'll be alright?" Rude's tone was stern, offering precious little reassurance. There wasn't any comfort he could give.

"Hey, don't get mad," said Reno. He rolled his eyes and looked away. There was silence for a moment and then Reno looked back at Rude and smiled. "Well on the bright side, at least we're all ok. Elena made it back safely. And hey, no matter what happens, things can't possibly get any worse."

* * *

><p>In the end, the Sister Ray failed, their last great hope for salvation amounted to nothing more than a giant piece of scrap. But that wasn't the worst of it. In response to the Sister Ray, Weapon had targeted the Shin-ra Building.<p>

The Turks weren't there at the time, but they'd seen the blast. It was the kind of thing that seared into the memory of everyone there to witness it, even without the endless replays of the footage across every television station on the Planet. The blasts from Weapon struck the tower, and then the upper floors were consumed in a massive explosion.

Reno let out a miserable scream, and Rude turned to look at his partner. Reno had gone corpse white. His eyes were wide, and his mouth was open, but was as if he couldn't speak. Rude had only seen Reno look so utterly stricken one time before, the night they'd thought they had lost Veld.

* * *

><p>It had only happened a few months back now it felt like a lifetime ago. Back then the Turks were in trouble with Shin-ra. Their former commander, Veld, had left the company to search for his daughter. She was a member of an anti Shin-ra terrorist group and Veld hoped to rescue her. Veld had been declared a traitor and the Turks had been ordered to track him down and eliminate him. When the President suspected that the Turks were aiding Veld, he'd declared them traitors and extended the kill order to them. While they tried to figure out what to do Rufus had made contact and offered Tseng a deal.<p>

What exactly the deal was Rude didn't know. Rufus would only talk to Tseng and Tseng alone. However, Reno and Rude had surmised that the plan involved Tseng executing Veld and his daughter; when they witnessed Tseng carry out the kill. Reno seemed to crumple under the weight of his grief; then all he could do was scream.

Reno was an orphan; Veld had been the only father he'd ever known. Veld had been a father to them all. Rude was frozen in shock. It was long time before they could think to do anything. When they could, they did the only thing they could do. They returned to HQ.

Rufus met up with them outside the building.

"Reno, Rude," he said, "you have to come with me at once. My father has set up a tribunal—"

Reno had grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt and pulled him close, teeth clenched. "You," Reno spat the word. "This was part you your plan, wasn't it? You told Tseng to shoot Veld."

"Yes," hissed Rufus through clenched teeth. "Now unhand me, and get ahold of yourself. I'm _trying_ to save your lives."

"Save our lives? It seems to me all you're trying to do is get revenge on the Turks for ruining your little power play and keeping you locked up. I thought you'd changed, Rufus. I trusted you!"

"Are you really so blind?" asked Rufus. "The President, along with key members of the board are out for the Turks' blood. If you want to survive you must prove your loyalty and Tseng just passed the ultimate test."

Reno paused for a long moment. Then he let out a sigh and let go of Rufus. "So that's why Tseng did it," he said.

"Yes," said Rufus, "because of what Tseng did I may be able to convince the Board to let you live, but we have to hurry." Reno nodded and moved to follow Rufus, but Rufus paused and turned back. "Also, incidentally," Rufus looked around to make sure no one was around to overhear, then whispered just loud enough for them to hear, "Veld and his daughter are alive. Tseng's got word out to the rest of the Turks, they're all going into hiding along with Veld, officially declared killed in action. It'll be easier to convince the President to spare the department if you're not big enough to pose a threat. I'll explain everything in detail later, but just know I'm orchestrating a massive cover up to save your skins."

Reno had just stared at him, and then broke into a grin. Then Reno grabbed him by the shoulder, and kissed him. "Kid, you're a genius!"

"Well obviously," said Rufus. He brushed the hair away from his face, then turned and continued on. They had a tribunal to interrupt.

* * *

><p>Rude had always known that Reno and Rufus had an interesting relationship. Ever since they'd first met as kids, they'd been close. It wasn't until that night Rude guessed at just how close their relationship remained. Not that he'd say anything about it, and he'd never thought to do anything with the information.<p>

Now, the information helped understand the depth of partner's grief.

When at last Reno managed to speak it was a name. "Rufus." The President had been in there. His office was on the top floor of the building, ground zero of Weapon's attack. At that moment, both men knew that Rufus Shinra was most likely dead.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thanks again to LicoriceAllSorts, and credit to her for some beautiful incites into the Lifestream which I incorporated into the prose.<strong>


	6. Everything Else is Filler

_Death is real. Death changes things. Everything else is filler, merely a message from our sponsor._

_MICHAEL MARSHALL, The Upright Man_

* * *

><p>Reno and Rude reached the ground floor of the Shin-ra building. An alarm blared, but they did their best to ignore it. There was no way to know how much damage the explosion had done. For all they knew the whole thing might come crashing down on top of them. They didn't hesitate, not even for a second.<p>

If Reno was afraid at all, it wasn't of dying. If the building fell on them then it fell. No, what he dreaded was seeing the building in this broken state. It was like finding your mother dead on the kitchen floor; Reno didn't want to look.

Sure, as a Turk he'd seen a lot of ruined buildings; he'd helped make them that way. Honestly, there wasn't much he appreciated more than a well-made, well-placed bomb. But those buildings were just bricks and mortar. This building was his home.

Yeah, Shinra wasn't the only home he'd ever known, but it was the only place that felt like it. Everything else felt like part of some other life. Reno remembered being a little kid, back before his mother died. He remembered her. He remembered when he thought the way things were then would last forever. When you're a little kid growing up was something you didn't want to do but everyone kept telling you would happen someday. So you tried not to think about it. You lived, you played, and somehow time passed and you found yourself older. Then one day you couldn't even remember what it was like clearly, like everything except the real important bits got wiped to make room for other stuff.

He remembered what the apartment he grew up in looked like. The walls were dull and solid gray, probably concrete, and the floors were the same. His mom covered most of the floor with these real thick rugs with patterns on them to make it seem homey-like. They didn't really keep the floor warm enough, though. The air was cigarette smoke and incense. The outside of the apartment building was red brick, but it wasn't strong like a storybook, keeping out the big bad wolf. They got robbed more than once. There wasn't really such a thing as safe.

All these memories were there, but it felt like there as so much he was missing. It also didn't feel like he was remembering home so much as a place he used to live. That home was lost. It was part of another life that had ended a long time ago.

Sometimes Reno thought of his past as if he were cat counting down nine lives: 'my first life', 'my second life', 'my third' and so on. He didn't keep count at close calls, only major things.

One life was when he'd lived with his mother; the next life had been on the streets. The streets were mostly a blur of bad things and learning to survive. Then there was Rufus, and the life he'd started with the Turks. The life after he'd become a Turk was the only one that felt real, that felt like his life and not just something that had happened someplace out of reach.

Reno could remember the places he'd lived, but when he thought of home all he could picture were the Turks' offices in the Shin-ra building. The office wasn't the place Reno went to work, it was the place he came home to if when work was finished. It was the one place where he didn't have to be dangerous. Reno was a livewire, but at the office it was almost like he could switch it off. Everywhere else he was like a loaded gun, a fully automatic assault rifle with a full magazine, all it took was the slightest pull on the trigger and he was ready to wreak havoc. But at the end of the day, back at Shin-ra, his safety was on, the chamber was empty, and as long as he was here he was harmless.

It was like that for the other Turks too, Reno was sure of it. Out in the world their switch was on, an EMR ready to go live, but back home their switch was off. The difference between an alley cat, hair standing on-end, ready to tear something apart versus a purring house cat laying on its belly, claws sheathed. The office was the safe place. It was home.

Rude had told him that not everyone felt that way about the place they work, that coming to the office was coming home. Rude seemed to think it was one of the things that made the job special.

It was Reno's general policy not to think too much unless he had to. Sure he was smart, and could think quick enough when lives were on the line. But thinking just to think? Musing on stuff like home and family or the meaning of anything just didn't seem worthwhile. Why think about life when you could live it?

If Reno wanted to muse he'd do it out loud. Rude was always good for conversation. So was Rufus, when they weren't busy doing other things that made if difficult to form words.

Rufus.

They had to get to him, before it was...

He didn't want to think of worst-case scenarios. Rufus burned alive. Rufus trapped and slowly crushed to death. Rufus…

_Rufus is not dead. They don't know that yet, not for sure. Until they're sure or almost certain then I'm not gonna think about it. Instead, I'm gonna focus on responding to what's actually for sure happening._

The Shin-ra building had been hit by WEAPON's attack. Rufus was inside at the time along with Gaia knows how many other employees. They had to get in there and look for survivors. They had to find Rufus.

Reno and Rude made their way through the lobby and headed for to the executive elevators. Reno recalled something about using stairs in case of emergency, but Rude pointed out that on the off chance the elevators still worked they'd be a hell of a lot quicker. A straight shot to the executive floor at the tiptop of the building.

Then the alarm stopped. Just cut out. Reno was glad the noise had stopped, but at the same time the sudden stillness unnerved him. Had someone somewhere cut the alarm off or had it short-circuited? Well, alarm or no alarm, they were still in a state of emergency.

When it became clear the executive elevators were down, they headed for the staff elevator. It was worth a try, but he wasn't gonna bet on it working. It was a miracle the power was still on. Then again, Shin-ra wouldn't be much of a power company if their own back up generators didn't kick in when needed. Hopefully the sprinkler system had kicked in as well. If the upper floors were an inferno, it's be no use trying.

Reno did not like this situation one bit. Unknown situations were always bad news. Information meant the upper hand, so before doing anything always get as much information as possible. Veld had beat the importance of foresight into him enough times to make it stick. Walking in here without knowing what they'd face felt like walking in blind.

There was nothing for it though. The situation was a freaking clusterfuck. Yeah, there were a lot of witnesses who'd seen WEAPON's fire hit the building, but no one knew exactly what happened. How bad was the damage? How many were dead as opposed to just missing? They didn't know if Rufus was dead or alive, and on top of that, they couldn't confirm the safety of the rest of the staff because the whole fucking management system was fucked.

Once Meteor's impact had been forecast a lot of the staff had resigned or left without even bothering to clean out their desks. Rufus hadn't given an evacuation order, but he had given an evacuation option. 'Shin-ra has the situation under control, but if you feel the need to leave the city, the following evacuation routes have been put in place. We encourage everyone to remain calm. Shin-ra is working to resolve this issue.' A lot of people had taken the option, including members of Shin-ra's upper level staff. So the Turks didn't even know who'd gone missing in the attack and who'd left before hand.

Hell, they didn't even know where Elena was. After she'd returned from her little escapade on the Northern Continent, she was even worse off than before. Reno had sort of hoped having a shot at AVALANCHE would bring her some closure, but as expected she hadn't been able to defeat them and that had made the whole thing worse. It was like she was a zombie or something, the lights were on upstairs, but no one was home. Like all she could do was go through the motions and repeat the word revenge liked a fucked up mantra. Reno had told her to take some time off. Who knew where she was when the building was hit, hopefully somewhere safe.

Of course, Rufus had been in his office. Rufus wouldn't leave the building. Not him, he'd go down with the fucking ship like a moron. Probably hadn't even flinched when he saw the fire coming, just stared it down because he liked to pretend he wasn't afraid of anything. Just because you're not afraid of something didn't mean it couldn't hurt you. Didn't he realize that? Of course not, he was Rufus. Reno wouldn't put it past him to jump off a bloody cliff without a second thought, as if the ground would just get out of his way because he was so fucking important!

Well, on the bright side, at least they knew Rufus was in the building. So there was less uncertainty. Everyone else would just be missing. A lot of families wouldn't get solid answers for a long time. The thought made his stomach clench. He thought of the news reports after Sector 7's collapse, but pushed the thought away. There wasn't time for that now.

Deal with the situation at hand. They headed for the elevators, Rude had said it would be quicker and Reno couldn't argue with that. They had to get to Rufus before it was…but what if the elevator broke down with them inside? Fuck elevators, yo, Reno had nearly died in one once, and nearly being crushed to death is sort of enough to put a guy off 'em. But this was the fastest way, and arguing with Rude about it would take more time.

They pushed the button and waited. It lit up, but the elevator didn't seem to be coming. Oh well, Reno had a feeling that nothing was going too smooth anymore. Like Rufus's plea for the city to remain calm. Yeah, after seeing the building hit there was no way that was going to happen. It was going to be chaos and panic out there. But one problem at a time, right now all they needed to worry about was getting to the executive floor.

"I don't think this thing's moving," said Reno. The power was on, but the elevator wasn't budging.

"It looks like the emergency lock down system was activated," said Rude.

"Oh, so they managed to get _that_ working, but couldn't keep the elevators running?" asked Reno.

"I can try to see if there's a way to override the—"

"That might take too long!" said Reno. Then again, so would standing here. Maybe they should just take the stairs. Reno didn't know, and if he made the wrong choice and they didn't get to Rufus in time? But Reno didn't …and he was supposed to be in command! Yeah, right, what a joke. It had been one disaster after another. He wasn't cut out for this.

Reno wished Tseng was there. He needed someone to tell him what to do. Needed the comfort of just following orders, of having to someone to trust. Except, Tseng was gone, and it was all on Reno. He had to make the choice. No hesitation.

"Reno, Rude. Take the stairs!" Tseng ordered.

Reno looked at Rude, as if to ask 'did you hear that too, or am I losing it here?' Tseng was dead. This was crazy. All the same the Turks whirled to see where the voice had come from. Reno's mouth fell open when a familiar figure came into view. Long hair, dark suit, it had to be Tseng. But no, he couldn't be there, it was impossible…but there was no mistaking him.

"Chief!" They shouted in unison and hurried to meet him. Then they just stopped and stared. Tseng was here, and seemed as good as ever. How was that possible? It was all Reno could do to keep himself from poking him just to make sure he was really there. His mouth formed a smile and tears welled in his eyes, but that didn't even matter. It Tseng, he was here; he was all right!

"What is it?" asked Tseng. Reno realized how dumbfounded he and Rude must look. It wasn't an expression you saw on a Turk all that often.

"You're alive!" said Rude. His normal steady tone replaced by a mix of unadulterated relief and wonder.

"As you can see for yourselves," said Tseng, "didn't Reeve—"

"Reeve?" asked Rude.

Tseng shook his head. "Later," he said, "is Rufus—"

"We don't know," said Reno. "But he was probably in his office when that thing hit."

Tseng nodded and closed his eyes for a moment. "I saw the blast," he said. "We have to—"

"Chief!" They heard a young woman's high-pitched, almost gleeful shout.

No sooner had the three turned around then Elena came running in to view. She went straight for Tseng, practically tackling him as she threw her arms around him, grinning all the while.

Despite himself, Reno couldn't help but smile. Her joy was infectious, and even with everything going on around them he couldn't help but be glad that Tseng was back. For a moment it felt like things were somehow normal.

"Oh come on, Elena," said Reno. "Where's my hug?" Flirting came second nature to Reno, and he couldn't resist the urge to tease the little blonde. Even if he'd never actually make a move on her for fear of what Rosalind might do to him.

"Don't mind me, Reno," she said. Elena let go of Tseng and stepped back. "You can hug him too." She grinned at him.

"I'll pass," said Reno. Man, he'd missed this, just being able to joke around. Of course, the moment couldn't last.

Tseng placed a firm hand on Elena's shoulder and took a long hard a look at his three subordinates before speaking. "Come on," he ordered. "Time to get to work."

Get to work: complete the mission. That was exactly the kind of thing Reno needed to hear. They were the Turks, and there was nothing they couldn't handle.

Except if Rufus was gone, Reno didn't think he could handle that…

But Tseng was back like some kind of miracle and right when they needed him most. Maybe that meant that their lives weren't meant to end just yet, and Rufus would be all right too.

They split up to search the building. Reno and Rude on one flight of stairs, Tseng and Elena on the other. As they passed what had been the Turks' floor, there was a part of Reno that wanted to stop and look. Just to see how bad the damage was, because he couldn't believe it was really gone.

The Turks' floor had been his home for years; there were so many memories. He looked at Rude and wondered if he was thinking about everything this place meant. The tough times they'd been through together; the times when they got in trouble with Veld and endured his form of tough love, and the times they used to tease the girls because there was nothing to do other than tease and get teased back. The times he'd managed to get Cissnei to crack a smile, not that she'd have let anything happen.

Reno and Rude didn't pause as they passed the Turk floor. They just kept going, making their way to the top. There wasn't time to stop and reminisce. They had to get to Rufus. It didn't matter if the place was wrecked as long as everyone was all right. If Rufus was alive then everything wasn't lost. Except, Reno couldn't shake the feeling that things had changed.

Another one of his "lives" was coming to an end. There would always be before this day and after this day, and nothing would ever be the same. Home was gone, and there was no going back.

They reached the President's Office before Tseng and Elena. Maybe the stairway they'd taken wound up blocked or they'd got sidetracked helping other employees make their way out of the building. Either way, since Rude and Reno were there first that could handle things here. Rude radioed Elena to let her know they'd reached the office. Let her and Tseng focus on searching elsewhere, just in case Rufus wasn't in his office when the attack hit.

Reno hesitated at the door to the President's Office, Rude behind him. The place was a burned out wreck. There was no telling if the whole ceiling might come down at any moment. He looked back at Rude, who nodded. If Rufus was in there they had to find him, no matter the risk.

Reno stepped into the charred office. The carpet felt soggy beneath his boot; so the sprinkler system had worked, but not before the initial blast did a lot of damage. It looked like a bomb had gone off. Everything blackened and broken, most of the room buried in debris. In some places the debris had crashed right through the floor. Finding Rufus meant navigating this obstacle course and praying nothing else collapsed.

On the bright side, the windows being blasted out meant the air was breathable. All the smoke had been cleared out by the wind that whipped through the charred remains of the office. Reno made his way towards Rufus's desk. The desk was partially buried in debris, but aside from a small dent, it looked completely undamaged. The President's desk was bullet proof, as fireproof as possible, and built to withstand virtually any amount of force applied to it.

Reno checked under the desk, but there was no sign of Rufus. He sighed and kept looking, stepping over the melted remains of computers, and crunching through bits of broken glass. Meanwhile, Rude continued his own sweep of the room. Together they swept every inch of it, but there was no sign of a body.

"No one's here," said Reno.

"Yeah," said Rude

"You've checked?" asked Reno, "Carefully? Three times?" Each question was met with a nod.

"Everywhere," said Rude

"So he's alive!" exclaimed Reno. He actually managed a smile. There was nothing quite like the feeling of not recovering a dead body in a situation like this. It was hope.

"But where could he be?" asked Rude.

Reno inclined his head towards the collapsed girders. They'd checked around them, but the only way to be sure Rufus wasn't trapped under the debris would to lift it. Together they carefully heaved the girders off the floor to check.

"So…" asked Reno. "Where else?" What next? Search the whole building top the bottom? They couldn't give up. Rufus had to be somewhere; they had to get to him and fast. Even if he survived the blast, there was no way he'd escaped unscathed. If he was hurt, then the time they had left to find him alive might well be running out.

With Meteor closing in, time might be running out for everyone. Outside, a powerful storm raged, as Meteor drew ever nearer. Lightning ripped the sky and rain came down in sheets. Even inside the building, they could hear the roar of thunder and the howling wind. It looked every bit like what the end of the world should look like.

The Turks ignored the impending disaster and continued their search for Rufus.

Triage and other emergency responders had showed up shortly after the Turks entered the building. Rescue parties swept the building, searching for survivors, either on their own or with specially trained Guard Hounds. Survivors were rescued, but there were no reports that Rufus had been found.

Rude and Reno made their way to the first floor. Near the building's entrance there was an Executive Panic Room. It was a long shot, considering how far this room was from the President's office, but the Turks were nothing if not thorough. Reno and Rude made their way down into the Panic Room. Its hidden door opened to reveal a stairway that led into the ground like a shallow bunker.

The previous President Shinra's tastes leaned towards simple and efficient. The panic room was barren, no carpet, no furniture, and no decorations of any kind. It looked sturdy, but unfinished, like an after thought. Steel girders remained exposed and on the ceilings, walls, and even the floor.

All it took was a glance to see that the room was empty. They'd struck out again. Maybe the blast had knocked Rufus clear out of the building, and his body was splayed out somewhere on the lower roofs, or maybe WEAPON's blast was so powerful he'd been incinerated on the spot. Just gone.

"Nothing here," said Reno. He hung his head. All the things he swore he wasn't going to think about were pouring into his mind. He sighed, and looked to his partner. "Let's go, Rude."

Reno turned to leave but his partner called him back.

"Wait," he said. Rude put a hand on Reno's shoulder. When Reno turned around, Rude pointed to part of the wall. "You see that?"

"See what?" snapped Reno. Frustration was getting the better of him.

"The color's different," insisted Rude. He stepped close to the wall to examine it.

Reno crossed his arms. This was a waste of time. "It's just a wall, Rude." A wall: another dead-end in a long line of dead ends.

They didn't have time for this. They didn't have time for anything. The world was going to tear itself apart around them, and they'd never know what became of Rufus. Reno would never see him again, or feel him, or have the chance— it wasn't supposed to be like this! It was like the world was closing in and all the time he'd thought he had was gone…

**An: Thanks again to Licorice, and to my reviewers. Reviews make me so happy. Oh and in regards to the virtually indestructible desk described here, check out "life guard structures". **


	7. Death is Nothing

_Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not. - __Epicurus (341 BC - 270 BC)_

* * *

><p>Darkness—<p>

Rufus had stared unblinking as WEAPON's attack flew towards the building. It had hit the tower; on instinct he'd raised his arm to shield his face.

Then there was darkness, drawing in around the edges of his vision. Rufus Shinra laughed as he began to slip away.

Consciousness returned along with pain. Water fell on his face, a slow trickle of water from the barely functional sprinkler system dripped down.

The blast had knocked him to the floor, or at least he was on the floor when he'd come to. A violent explosion shook the building and for moment it felt as though the tower would shake apart or collapse entirely. An enormous chunk of rent metal crashed down from the ceiling and fell right through the floor, mere inches from where Rufus lay. Rufus rolled over, and pulled his body underneath the desk to take shelter from the falling debris.

A moment ago, when he saw the WEAPON's fire heading straight for him, Rufus had been prepared to die. He'd accepted it with a calm cold resignation. He wouldn't cower before a fate he couldn't escape, and fear was useless. Rufus would face death with unflinching dignity, because he was a Shinra and nothing could take that from him.

Now, Rufus was angry he'd ever considered conceding defeat and giving into death. He would not go gently into that good night, to quote Loveless. No, he would rage, because he wasn't ready to let go just yet. It wasn't fair for it to end like this. He wouldn't allow it to end like this.

It was funny; he didn't really understand his anger, or why he didn't want to die. He'd lost everything. It was over. All that remained was pain and wreckage. Yet somehow, his anger calmed him. It gave him drive. If he survived this, then there could be so much more than this disaster. So Rufus focused on survival.

The desk would withstand a lot, but it wasn't entirely fire proof. The explosion seemed to have impacted the side of the building, so the brunt of the fire hadn't hit him, or maybe the blast that had knocked him flat by some miracle knocked him out of harms way. But a fire still raged in the room, and though the sprinklers were slowly quelling the blaze, Rufus knew he needed to get out. Besides, there was no way to know if Sister Ray's blast had struck true. For all Rufus knew the WEAPON might attack again, and he doubted he would be so lucky a second time.

Although Rufus had no doubt his Turks would come for him, Reno would certainly stop at nothing, there was no time to wait for rescue. He had to escape, and fast.

That's when he saw it, gleaming in the firelight, a small golden switch hidden beneath the desk, engraved with the letter 'L'.

_L_? Well whatever the switch was, it could only have been put there for use during an emergency. Perhaps for exactly the sort situation Rufus was currently in. Rufus had nothing to lose, and flipped the switch without hesitation.

The floor beneath him disappeared, giving way to a trap door. Rufus fell down into the darkness about a meter. He landed in some sort of chute and began to slide downwards.

Well this was just great. After everything, he was still going to die. The only difference was instead of dying in his office he was going to die inside some Gaia forsaken air duct. He was going to _die_ in an air duct somewhere between the buildings walls and floors. It was ridiculous. Then what if they managed actually managed to find his body? He could just imagine the headlines, President Found Dead in Air Duct. What would they say?

Outside a battle was raging and the fate of the Planet itself hung in the balance, and the President of Shin-ra, the very company that had the power to fight this near unstoppable enemy dies: inside an _air duct_! Ha, what a joke! He only wished that he could see himself now, if only to laugh harder at the sheer absurdity of it all.

What was with this air duct anyway? Why would an air duct be built at such an incline, almost like a slide? Why was it even here? It made no sense. Why the trap door and the switch and the…the L! Of course!

Rufus felt very stupid then. Maybe he'd hit his head harder than he thought. He should have known what it was right away. As he slid through the darkness his mind drifted back to a conversation he'd had with his father twenty years ago. Rufus couldn't take it anymore; he raised his voice and laughed out loud.

* * *

><p>Once when Rufus was only five years old he'd woken up in the middle of the night and heard his father's voice. His father was rarely home, Rufus had crept downstairs to see him. He expected to be scolded and sent back to bed, but to his surprise when his father saw him he smiled.<p>

The President seemed in a very good mood, and beckoned Rufus to come over. He took a seat in his favorite chair and pulled his boy onto his knee.

"Do you want to see something?" asked his father.

Rufus nodded, thrilled at the unexpected attention.

His father pulled out a blueprint and handed it to the boy. At that time the Shin-ra tower was yet to be competed, and these were the plans for the President's future Office.

"What do you think?" his father asked. "This is the room where I'll give orders to the world."

"Amazing!" exclaimed Rufus. His eyes poured over the blueprint, as he did his best to look interested. The truth was the five-year-old boy had no idea how to read a blueprint, but he couldn't admit that. He wanted his father's praise; Rufus had to show him how clever he could be. So Rufus tried to read the plans as best he could, and when that failed, he said what was on his mind.

"Father?" asked Rufus, shifting to gaze up at the president. "Where's the escape route?"

Rufus was met by a look of confusion. "Escape route?" ask the President. "What?" It seemed as if the man has no idea what his son could possibly be thinking.

"If an enemy attacked," said Rufus, trying to explain, "you'll need some way to escape."

"Ah," said the President. He nodded, understanding what his son had meant. "Shin-ra Company has no enemies."

Rufus was going to interrupt with a child's ever questioning 'but', however his father went right on speaking before he got the chance.

"Even if there were, the President's Office is on the seventieth floor," his father continued. "No one would be able to attack there."

"But Mr. Palmer said the enemy can attack from space!" said Rufus, throwing his arms into the air as if to pantomime an explosion.

"Palmer said what?" asked the President. His eyebrows furrowed, and Rufus knew right away he was angry. Palmer was going to get in trouble. Rufus hadn't meant to get him in trouble. He liked Mr. Palmer. He was head of the Space Development Division, which was very exciting to the young Rufus, and he always seemed to have candy. Besides that Palmer actually took the time to talk to Rufus, which he liked more than anything.

Rufus hoped Mr. Palmer wouldn't be in too much trouble. But he didn't worry too much. Mr. Palmer had told him being scolded was part of his job, so it would be fine, right? As long Rufus hadn't made his father mad at _him_, he didn't care. But it looked like he had made his father angry.

"Father, I'm sorry," he blurted. He fought the urge to cry, because he knew that would only make his father angrier. "I…I'm kind of sleepy." Rufus rubbed his eyes for effect and to make sure there was no sign of tears.

"Listen, Rufus. It's as you say," continued President Shinra, ignoring his son's apology. "I will have an escape route built in case the enemy attacks. But let me make this clear, Rufus. I won't use it. It will be for you once you become president. Of course, there's no guarantee _you_ will take my place."

"Father—" Rufus tried to break in. He'd really done it now. His father didn't think he was worthy of being President one day. Was it really that bad? He was trying to be clever and helpful!

"Me? Escape?" The President gave a barking laugh and shook his head. "Ha! Not likely! Only losers need to escape."

"Father, I'm sorry!" cried Rufus. This time, his father took notice.

President Shinra looked down at his son. "Why are you apologizing? Do you admit your idea was wrong?"

"Yeah," said Rufus with a nod. He was wrong, and he was sorry he'd said anything.

"You're such a simple-minded one!" said the President.

He hadn't meant to be simple-minded. It was just, there was nothing else that Rufus could think off when he looked at the plan except that there should be an escape route. The Office was so high up, and Mr. Palmer said that there could be an attack. He wanted his father to be safe.

"We will mark out the escape route with something that really stands out, so you can find it," said the President. He drew out a pen and wrote an 'L' on the blue print. "There, now don't forget it. 'L' for "Loser."

* * *

><p>In all his life Rufus had never been more thankful than he was at that moment in the chute; thankful for what he'd done when he was five years old.<p>

The chute went on and on, gradually spiraling downwards from the President's Office all the way to the ground floor. As he slid, Rufus thought back on his life. Rufus had come close to death and perhaps his life was flashing before his eyes as a result. Then again, maybe the seemingly never-ending slide just gave him a lot of free time to reminisce.

There were so many moments that had shaped him, trivial moments really. Every insult his father threw his way, every time he'd tried and failed to live up to whatever expectations the Old Man had for him, and all the times he'd vowed to prove him wrong. His whole life, he'd done nothing but try to prove something to his father, to impress him, to kill him, to impress him by _trying_ to kill him if only to show he deserved some modicum of respect!

There were important moments too. Rufus remembered his mother's death. His father hadn't come to the funeral. Rufus had stood alone in the rain. Well, not alone, he was never alone. Tseng had been there to hold his umbrella, and Rufus's hand. He was only eleven, after all. He'd needed someone.

Rufus remembered the confrontation afterwards. It was the first time he'd ever raised his voice to his father. Before that moment he'd done nothing but try his best to somehow please the man. Every interaction had seemed like a test, as though his father viewed him like an applicant who had to prove he was worthy of being his son. Often, Rufus felt he failed, but failure was just a challenge to do better. He bent over backwards to please the man, and had never dreamt of doing anything to upset him.

His father's approval meant so much to him when he was young. But on that day when they'd laid his mother in the ground and his father couldn't even be troubled to show up, something inside him had snapped. He'd marched right up to the President's office, and demanded to see his father.

Once they were alone, Rufus shouted at him. Demanded an explanation. "Why weren't you there?" he cried.

The President had sighed and rotated his chair to look out the window, turning his back on his son.

"I realize the loss of your mother is upsetting, so I'll let your tone slide," he said, "Although I had expected better from you, Rufus."

"And I expected better from you," Rufus retorted.

"I had a meeting to attend," said the President, "my time is very import—"

"Nothing could me more important!" Rufus interrupted.

"Your mother's gone," his father said, as if it were the final word on the matter. "But we're still here and the world is still turning with Shin-ra at its center. We have to keep moving forward. I cannot afford to appear weak or waste company time being sentimental. The same goes for you, Rufus. You'll have to grow up and learn eventually."

What Rufus had learned was that his father didn't love him. He was so angry at the revelation that he'd run away from home. It was the petty tantrum of a grieving eleven year old; Rufus had wanted his father be sorry he was gone. Rufus had almost gotten himself killed, and when the Turks had brought him back his father hardly seemed to care about the danger his son had been in. His father's only concern had been what it would mean for the company if they'd lost their heir apparent. All running away was pointless, nothing would make his father care, and Rufus had felt even worse than even.

Except that by running away he'd met Reno. That fact alone had made it all worthwhile.

That and he'd learned, just as father had wanted. He'd learned that world was a dangerous place, learned with more certainty that his father did not care, and learned there was more to the company that met the eye. Shinra had dirty secrets, and Rufus would discover as many of them as possible. All that was left was to grow up, just like his father wanted.

So Rufus had grown up: from the boy who thought the chance to make his father smile was all he could ever want to the young man who'd burn Shin-ra to the ground if it meant taking his father with it. The discovery of his mother's fate had been the straw that broke the chocobo's back, but really the rebellion was a long time coming. There was no other way.

By sixteen Rufus had honed his skill with computers. Being the President's son did not give him access to most of Shin-ra's secrets. Really, he was kept in the dark about a lot of things. Lazard's existence, exactly where and how his father was squandering company assets, which was to say Rufus's inheritance, and other sorts of things Rufus felt he had a right to know. Even with Rufus's skill and determination, he was sure there were many secrets left undiscovered, but he'd learned enough.

He'd learned that despite his father's bravado, Shin-ra did in fact have many enemies. His father's policies created them, along with other, greater problems. Not least of all an entire economy built around a non-renewable energy source, the exploitation of which, according to some, was killing the planet. Of course, Rufus wouldn't take sensational extremists at their word, but environmental impact aside, the idea that the future of mako energy was uncertain was troubling. Rufus knew throwing money into insane science projects and pipe dreams wasn't going to fix things either.

Better to diversify. Shinra had risen to power because of mako energy, but the mako itself wasn't necessary to maintain control, only their monopoly of the energy business. If the business diversified, which it was in a position to do, how simple it would be for Shinra to swallow up alternative energy companies and maintain their monopoly, or even strengthen it! His father was a fool to obsess over mako at the expense of other options, better options.

To Rufus, his future was not only to inherit his father's company, but the world that company ruled. So it wasn't in his best interest to sit back and let his father drive that company to ruin or burn the world piece by piece. The Old Man had deluded himself into believing that there was no problem money couldn't solve; destroy countless lives, no problem, just rebuild, possibly somewhere else and pay for a cover up. Rufus knew it didn't work that way. Any life lost or ruined could be enough to spark unrest and rebellion.

That was why Shin-ra had enemies. Enemies Rufus intended to make his allies. And Rufus understood something of loss. His mother's life had been lost, and knowing his father was behind it had certainly sparked something in him. It stripped away every last bit of familial loyalty he might have had and removed all hesitation.

The Turks had carried out the order to end his mother's life, and he didn't believe for a moment that they'd hesitate to end him if his father so willed it. Rufus had spent a lot of time with the Turks. They'd watched over him; he'd trained with them and there were times he'd wished that he could have been one of them. There'd been times, being Rufus of the Turks sounded a lot better than being Rufus Shinra. All the same, he couldn't trust them.

Not Veld, who strict though he was had always seemed like a good man at heart and a much better father to his men than Rufus's own dad had been to Rufus. Not Natalya who'd always been sweet and had an encouraging word. Not Rude, who was patient with him, and even kind. Rude didn't say much, but when he did speak it was always important. Not…well not any of them. Not one of the Turks could be seen as anything more than his father's agents. Even Tseng who had been his companion all his life…even Reno who had been his lover. They'd kill him without any hesitation or remorse. They had no loyalty to him, because he was not a Turk and he was not yet their Boss. Rufus couldn't trust them, so it was best to distance himself as best he could. He had to be prepared to kill them all if his plans required it.

All the same, he was sorry it had come to that. He was prepared to accept losses. Collateral damage. As in chess, sometimes the price of winning was sacrifices. Rufus did not regret what he had done, but he was sorry the Turks had been involved. Rufus did not want to kill them, not Tseng, not Reno, not any of them…but what he wanted had never mattered to anyone else, so why should it matter to him? He'd do what was necessary to win.

He'd lost of course. Things didn't go according to plan. He'd put too much trust in his allies; overestimated his importance to their cause and his power over them. Rufus was betrayed by the terrorist group he'd helped build and was captured by the Turks.

The funny thing was, his failure was for the best in the long run. His father hadn't executed him; hell his father hadn't even said a word to him about it. The Old Man had left him to rot in whatever dungeon the Turks decided to throw him into.

His punishment was left entirely to the Turks' discretion, and all things considered, Tseng had been quite fair. Rufus's time in the Turks' custody hadn't been so bad. Sure, Tseng's discipline had been painful, and confinement at the hands of people he'd tried to destroy wasn't always pleasant, but in the end Rufus wouldn't trade that time for anything.

He'd learned that he was wrong about the Turks. Yes, they were bound by their orders, but it became evident to Rufus that they really did care about him. When Tseng announced his father's sentence, Rufus had been awash with conflicting emotion. Relief that he wasn't going to die, anger that his father still didn't take him seriously, and fear at what Tseng might have in store for him.

However, when Rufus asked what Tseng the Turks planned to do to him, the answer was entirely unexpected.

"We're going to look after you," said Tseng

"What?" asked Rufus. Tseng sounded too calm. He should be out for blood.

"Don't get me wrong. You will be punished: severely," said Tseng. "But not because I want to get back at you. There's been enough revenge plays. I understand your motives. The reasons you did all you did. Don't think that you're forgiven, or that we trust you. You'll be our prisoner, but one day we'll be your Turks. So yes, we're going to look after you."

"You aren't angry?" asked Rufus. He'd expected Tseng to want to tear him apart as much as Reno had.

"Angry? I'm seething," said Tseng. "But Veld taught me that part of my job is keeping my emotions in check. And right now I need you to understand we aren't your enemies. You will be punished, but it won't be because we hate you. It will be because you are getting what you deserve. That is what you must accept. Part of looking out for someone is ensuring that they learn from their mistakes."

Rufus had learned from his mistakes. He'd also learned he'd been wrong to misjudge the Turks. Turks followed orders, but they looked out for their own, and somehow, Rufus was included in that. Reno had said so himself, when Rufus asked if he was willing to give him a second chance in the wake of his betrayal.

"Honestly, I wouldn't mind hitting you again and not stopping until you're good and bloody," said Reno. "But the thing is. I always sort of saw you as one of us. Like back in the old days when you used to hang around, and just, the way you are. You're one of our kind, and like I said, I don't turn on my own. If you want me to forgive you, well then you're going to have to make up for this. But I'll give you a chance, yo."

Rufus had never believed in second chances; all that had ever mattered was winning at all costs. What did another chance matter? By that point you'd already failed, and there was nothing worse than being a loser. But he now knew he'd been wrong to scorn the idea of second chances.

The Turks had taught him better. The Turks gave him a second shot at being the person they knew he could be. They had put their faith in him, and Rufus would not betray them again. He'd prove he was worthy of the chance he'd been given, and repay gratitude with action.

Still, he wondered if they knew how much their mercy meant to him. Rufus had never properly thanked Tseng for everything he'd done for him over the years. He'd never told Reno how grateful he was that Reno had stuck by him.

Reno had given him a second chance in more ways than one, rekindling their affair like nothing had changed. Reno was his lover. No, more than that, Reno was his friend.

The first real friend he'd ever had; the only friend.

Reno had insisted on being his friend despite how impossible and illogical it was to befriend someone like him. Reno had even conceded that they couldn't be friends, but he went on acting as though they were friends, being Rufus's friend in every way that counted. That's what had mattered. Then when they become lovers, Rufus insisted that it was just physical, they weren't in love.

But maybe that was just as much of a lie as not being friends?

How strange to think such a thing. Rufus had only ever admitted to loving once, when he'd admitted to Reno how much Tseng had meant. He could admit after it was too late. It was somehow safer to admit it when it didn't matter anymore because Tseng was gone. Perhaps that's why now, facing almost certain death he could say that, yes, Rufus cared for Reno as much as Tseng, but even more so…Reno meant more to him than anything. Rufus loved Reno, he could face that now, because it didn't matter; it was too late.

Rufus almost laughed at that. He should have learned the price of waiting when he'd lost Tseng. Rufus loved them both, they were closest thing to real family he had. Even when he deserved their hatred, they never turned their back on him.

At the heart of what he'd learned form the Turks was the value of loyalty. Rufus valued these lessons. He'd even told his father as much. After four long years, his father finally ended Rufus's confinement. If only because he could no longer leave him in the Turks' custody since he was planning to have them all killed. 

Rufus had not seen his father since being put into the Turks' custody four years earlier. Their first conversation was brief. His father asked him what his years of 'penitence' under the Turks' care had been like. Rufus had answered truthfully.

"I hated you for what you'd done at first, but now I daresay I'm grateful. It's thanks to you that my view of the world has changed. I've learned so much in my time alone."

The most important lesson Rufus learned was the value of loyalty. True loyalty could not be bought with gil, or won through threats and fear. It was something almost intangible, like love, that could only be won by giving.

Rufus had given the Turks his loyalty. He'd thrown his lot in with theirs. Rufus doubted his father would forgive another betrayal, but all the same it was worth the risk to save their lives. They were willing to be his Turks, and so Rufus would be their leader. He would look out for them, and in so doing ensure their loyalty for life. The Turks were his, not because they were Shin-ra Turks and he was Shin-ra's heir, but because Rufus had earned his place as their leader.

When he'd argued with his father to spare their lives, he'd said that to eliminate the Turks would be the greatest loss the company could suffer. Of all he had inherited at his father's death, Shin-ra Company and the whole world under his command, there was no asset Rufus valued more highly than the Turks.

* * *

><p>As Rufus slid ever downward along the slow and endless slide, he contemplated all the things that had led him there. Almost everything he'd done in his life so far had been because of his father, except for saving the Turks. He'd done that for himself. In the end, that was the only thing he'd ever done that had mattered.<p>

Rufus had always been so self-important. Pretending that every action he'd taken in his life, even the ones he knew were wrong, were vindicated because they'd all been in pursuit of some grand destiny. Now, Rufus realized that he'd never had any grand destiny, just a life. That he wasn't anything special but was and had always been, just a boy who'd wanted his father's attention.

His empire had fallen. Nothing had gone the way he'd wanted it to go. Everything he'd fought so hard to gain, his company, his power, it was all gone. The funny thing was, none of that mattered. He'd never really wanted any of it, all he'd wanted was to make his father proud.

Rufus realized all his memories, from the trivial ones to the important ones, were all linked to his father. Most of his life had been wasted playing games with his Old Man. Rufus saw himself clearly now. He was just a boy who had wanted to surpass his father because all he'd ever wanted was his father's praise but had no idea how to get it or express how he felt. For so long, all he'd wanted was for his father to love him, to accept him. Rufus thought he'd wanted power, to have his father's empire for himself. But everything he'd done, even his treason, had, in his own way, been to please his father and to be a worthy son.

For all his efforts, all he'd ever gotten from his father was punishment and disregard. When his father wasn't putting Rufus down, he was ignoring his existence.

It had always been that way. All the way back to when he was five years old and suggested an escape route might be a good idea. However, it was that suggestion that had saved his life. All his experiences had led him to this, right all along. What his father thought at the time didn't matter. What his father had thought about Rufus at all didn't matter. It had taken Rufus all his life to realize it, and for first time he simply and truly couldn't care less about his Old Man.

Somehow, all of this seemed more hilarious than any other joke Rufus had heard in his life. In the darkness he laughed wholeheartedly.

And then the escape chute came an abrupt end. Rufus found himself sliding across a small room and straight into a concrete wall. He let out a cry of panic, followed by a yelp of pain.

Then he laughed at how pitiful he'd just sounded. It hurt to laugh, and Rufus quickly assessed that several of his ribs were, in fact, broken. All the same, he just couldn't stop laughing. For several minutes he lay crumbled against a wall in a position so utterly pathetic that he would have never let anyone see him like that and live to tell about it, laughing all the while. However, the searing pain from his fractures eventually brought him back to reality.

Rufus pulled himself up and did his best to disregard the pain. He looked around the room. It was approximately five square meters in size with white walls. Next to the chute's exit was a plain bed that reminded him of a hospital cot. Although the linen on the bed was high quality, it was clear it hasn't been used for a very long time, if ever. The whole wall to the right of where he sat seemed to be taken up by cabinet space, no doubt containing supplies. To the left was a solid steel door.

Rufus crawled towards the door, teeth gritted against the pain. Once he was closer he looked over the door. There was no handle, no way to open it, except a control panel set into the wall to the left of the door. Of course, it was electronic and could only be opened by entering the right code.

Rufus had no idea what the code might be. He'd have to get up to reach the control panel and he didn't have the strength to stand long enough to attempt to open it through trial and error.

He gave up on opening the door for the moment, and pulled himself towards the cabinet. Rufus took a deep breath. It hurt to move, but he could bear it. There might be medical supplies in the cabinet. Maybe something to take the edge off the pain, not because Rufus couldn't take the pain, but more because he disliked the idea that, should he managed to escape this prison, someone might see him in his current state. Rufus couldn't bear the idea of anyone seeing him like this.

Much to his delight Rufus found the cabinet doors weren't passcode protected. Inside he found several sealed boxes, all Shin-ra issue, everything from rations to first aid kits. Engraved on each of the lids were the words: "For L".

Rufus laughed out loud again; he couldn't stop himself, even if laughing made his ribs hurt even more. Rufus managed to pry off the lid from the first aid kit and tried to contain his laughter as he did so. As he expected, there were potions inside, along with supplies. Judging from the dates on the bottles, the potions might have very well turned to poison by this point. So Rufus opted to avoid the deteriorated magical items in favor of painkillers.

After he'd swallowed the pills, Rufus lay back and waited for them to take effect. He'd have another go at the door once he got some relief from the pain; it'd be easier then. It was then he saw the giant "L" engraved on the ceiling.

"Don't make me laugh any more, dad," he said, but he couldn't keep the mirth from his voice.

The painkillers worked and soon the pain had dissipated. Unfortunately, it was replaced by haziness that made it difficult to think clearly. Taking the medication had been necessary, but all the same the side effects irritated Rufus. Oh well, Rufus couldn't afford to wait for the pills to wear off, and he couldn't afford to sleep. He had to get out of this place.

Rufus made his way to the control panel again. Using the wall to support himself, he managed to stay on his feet long enough to make several attempts at entering the correct the pass code. Guess after guess, he punched in various sets of numbers, but it none of them worked. Rufus blamed he medication, he couldn't concentrate while he was on painkillers, but then again, it was his fault for taking them in the first place. He stared at the keys on the control panel. It was a standard number pad with keys numbered zero through nine, an eight-digit code would unlock the door.

Perfect, thought Rufus, all I have to do is try every possible combination. Even if he did have enough time to try every possible code, he'd probably lose track half way through. Trial and error weren't going to cut it. He had to think of some way to crack the code.

Maybe his father had chosen some important date. Except his father wouldn't do something like that, because to him such sentimental notions were meaningless. Still he had nothing to lose. He tried all the significant numbers he could think of that might hold some meaning for his father, his mother's birthday, the day she'd died, and every other date he could think of that could possibly matter.

None of them worked.

Rufus didn't know how long he'd been in the room, futilely punching in keys. It didn't matter, all the mattered was that he was alive for now, but Rufus doubted that would last very long. Sister Ray had failed. Meteor was still in the sky, Sephiroth was still in the Northern Crater, and sooner or later the entire Planet was going to be destroyed. When that happened, everyone, Rufus included, would die.

As Rufus's thoughts turned towards death, they were not fearful so much as contemplative.

_Does the Lifestream really exist, in the sense that my spirit will become one with it when I die? I wonder if father will be there too, and Tseng… Does consciousness have a shape? No, such a powerful flow of energy would shatter easily the consciousness of any single human being._

"Ah, I see now," he said, to no one in particular. Then he smiled, because he knew what it meant if the Planet disappeared, utterly destroyed by Meteor. Not only would Rufus cease to exist as he was, but he and everything would cease to be entirely, utter oblivion. At least if there was nothing after death, there was nothing to fear.

The painkillers had started to wear off. He fished the bottle out of his pocket of his white suit and put three pills in his mouth. Grinding the pills between his teeth, Rufus stared at the control panel.

"Ha," he chuckled. He'd give it one more go. Even if he was going to die, he didn't want to die here. Not now, not yet. Even if it was only a matter of hours before the end of the world, Rufus wanted to see Reno one last time. Unfortunately, Rufus was out of numbers to try. Entering random sets would be an exercise in futility.

However, there was one set of numbers left. The one set of numbers that had even entered his mind when he'd first started racking his mind for dates that might matter to his father.

Rufus couldn't help but feel a sense of anticipation as he punched in the numbers. After so many failed attempts, he actually allowed himself to feel a tiny speck of hope that this actually might work. Rufus knew he was stupid for trying this code at all, much less feeling hopeful. Rufus had nothing left to try, no hope other than the prayer that the date he entered had mattered to the Old Man. He knew by entering those numbers so eagerly, he was admitting defeat to his father. But this was no time for pride.

The wall trembled and slid upward revealing a doorway; beyond it were his Turks. Impeccable timing. Rufus grinned as their mouths fell open. Reno rushed towards him, eyes rimmed with tears, while Rude stood frozen. It seemed they didn't expect to see him alive, but if they were here that meant they'd kept looking anyway.

Rufus Shinra stood up tall and straight and brushed his hair away from his face with a wave of his hand. "Good job," he said. They'd found him. He could relax now; everything would be all right.

With that thought, the last of his strength gave out and Rufus Shinra collapsed, darkness claiming him once more.

**AN: Thanks again to Licorice, for your kind words and willingness to work with me through several drafts, even if the first draft is all right; this fic is better thanks to you. Credit to Licoriceallsorts and RedCherryAmber for some of the ideas concerning Rufus's motivations for overthrowing his father. "Death is Part of the Process" and "Somewhere in Midgar Two Children" are inspirational, and certainly among the best Turk (and Rufus) centric fics out there. I've said it before, but it bears repeating. **


	8. Unable are the Loved to Die

_ Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson_

* * *

><p>Rude starred in wonder as the wall lifted to reveal Rufus Shinra.<p>

Rufus was alive. His body was bruised and broken. His white coat was filthy, singed around the edges and tattered. He should have looked like hell, normally neat hair disheveled and as dirty as the rest of him, and yet somehow Rufus Shinra still managed to look like a million bucks. The man was unshakeable. He gave them a smile, and said good work, as if he'd just finished signing off on some run of the mill paper work. Surviving the impossible, just another day at the office.

Then Rufus collapsed.

"Boss!" Rude and Reno cried in unison.

Reno rushed forward and managed to catch Rufus; the dead weight of Rufus's body nearly knocked him over but he somehow kept his balance. Reno cradled the unconscious President and bending at the knee, lowered them both slowly to the ground. There he sat, Rufus's head resting in his lap.

"Rude, go find a doctor!" he ordered.

"Is the Boss—" Rude almost asked if Rufus was all right, but it was clear he was far from it. "How is he?"

"He's sound asleep," said Reno. The smile on Reno's face was small, but Rude had never seen him look so happy. Reno brushed the hair away from Rufus's face as he cradled the President's sleeping form. "Guess the excitement of seeing us again wore him out," Reno tried to joke, but it fell flat.

"I'll go get help," said Rude.

"Check outside," said Reno.

Rude nodded and turned to go, leaving Reno to watch over Rufus. A moment ago his partner had seemed on the edge of breaking down, but when Reno had looked at Rufus's sleeping face he'd seemed almost serene. Of course, they were still worried. Who knew how badly the President was actually hurt. The sooner they got him to a hospital, the better. All the same, the fact Rufus was alive seemed nothing short of a miracle.

It had been a night for miracles, it seemed. First Tseng coming back from the dead and arriving just when they'd needed him most, and now finding Rufus just when it seemed all hope had failed. Maybe it was luck, or something about Tseng and Rufus that gave them the ability to survive against all odds. But Rude liked to take it as a sign that maybe nothing was ever as hopeless as it seemed.

Outside, the world was falling apart, but maybe somehow they'd make it.

* * *

><p>Rude reached the lobby and headed outside. The storm was raging. Sheets of rain were falling hard and fast, but the harsh wind sent the water flying like bullets. Rude stood in the darkness, blasted by the wind and rain and tried to his best to survey the scene.<p>

It looked like what he'd expect from the end of the world. Lightning ripped the sky, and in its flashing light he saw a world in ruin. Midgar looked less like a city and more like a warzone. Rubble from the upper plates and from the building itself lay scattered where it fell.

Then the scene became brighter, illuminated by the cold white light of a search light. Rude turned towards the light and saw the rescue crew who'd managed to get the light set up despite the storm. Above the howling wind, Rude could hear the blades of a chopper. Its searchlight scanned the area, breaking through the darkness like the beam of an enormous flashlight. The broken glass that littered the street seemed flashed under the passing beam.

Despite the chaos of the world around him, Rude felt strangely calm. Finding out Rufus was still alive gave him courage. More than just his musing about luck or fate; the fact Rufus was alive meant that, despite all that had happened, Shin-ra Company still remained.

Rufus himself _was_ Shin-ra Company, and for the good or ill, as long as Rufus survived Shin-ra was going to live on. As long as Shin-ra continued to exist, so would the Turks.

This is what gave Rude the strength to remain calm. Even though Rude hadn't chosen this path under the best of circumstances, he couldn't imagine any other life. In fact, it was painful to think of living any life except that of a Turk. This job was more than a job; it had become part of his identity. A future as a Turk was forth fighting for, and so he wasn't about to give up yet.

Rude made for the nearest paramedic crew, careful to watch his step as he went. As he ran the helicopter descended, stirring up dust and debris. A palm-sized splinter of wood hit Rude's forehead, but he wiped the blood away and kept going. Rude had to get Rufus help, and there was no time for hesitation. Really, Rude didn't mind the flying debris or the inherent danger of the situation. Rude loved thrills, it was part of what made being a Turk worthwhile. One thing was for sure, as long as Rufus was around, things were guaranteed to be interesting.

Rude passed a group of civilians near the main entrance to the building frantically digging through the rubble from the partially collapsed building. Rude tried to call to them to see how many survivors they'd managed to find, but they didn't respond. They just stopped and stared at him, terrified by his mere presence.

Perhaps Rude might been intimidating on his own, a big bald guy with dark glasses, and pierced ears, but there was more to their fear than that. Rude was a Turk, something about him reeked of violence. They regarded him like deer spotting a wolf. The reaction was one he was used to getting.

It hadn't always been that way. Rude remembered a time when being a Turk meant respect. The times a stranger had bought them drinks and thanks them for their service. The look of gratitude in the eyes of someone they'd helped by stopping a mugging or assault. The Turks weren't police officers, but they'd keep the peace if they saw trouble. In the old days they'd helped ordinary people quite a bit.

That was how he'd met the woman he'd thought was the love of his life, Chelsea. He'd rescued her and at the time it had seemed like something from a fairy tale. Rude knew now that things were never so simple.

Along side the civilians were rescue teams made up of hospital staff funded by Shin-ra Company. He grabbed one of them by the arm.

"I need your help," said Rude.

"Yes sir," said paramedic. "What is it?"

Rude didn't know how if was safe to mention Rufus's name, and erred on the side of caution. "There's a survivor who needs be taken to the hospital immediately," said Rude.

"Is he a member of Shin-ra?"

"Yeah," said Rude. You could say that.

"Then he has priority," said the man.

"I'm counting on you," said Rude. His tone must have made the words seem like a threat, judging from the look on the man's face.

The man nodded hastily and called over to his colleagues who were carrying a stretcher.

"I'll show you the way," said Rude. Together they headed for the door. That's when Rude saw her, a young woman shouting into a hand held radio, a woman he knew. She was one of Cloud's friends. A self-described AVALANCHE operative, although Rude doubted she knew the real meaning of the word. The first organization was before her time, and the copycat terrorists cells weren't the same. But keeping the same name had its benefits. It sent a message. Individuals may die, whole organization may be brought down, but bullets couldn't stop ideas. AVALANCHE would continue, in one form of another, the name had become synonymous with resistance to Shin-ra.

Tifa was Shin-ra's enemy, and that made her his enemy as well. In another life, Rude might have had the chance to show her that there was more to him than the uniform he wore. Rude had fallen for Tifa the moment he laid eyes on her. How could he not? She had the most gorgeous eyes he'd ever seen: dark and distant, and full of life. He'd seen anger and pain there too, and he should have guessed that she'd been hurt, that she was out for vengeance. Instead he saw a hurt girl who needed someone to hold her, and wished he could have been that guy.

But Rude knew that was impossible. To Tifa, Rude was one of the bad guys.

Rude understood why simple ideas of good and evil appealed to some. He knew things were rarely black and white, but it was hard for most people to accept such ambiguity, even if their own actions, doing bad things for the right reasons,, put them in that same zone of ambiguity. He found that often people would categorize their own morally grey actions as white, because in their minds they were doing the right thing.

As a Turk he'd had to do a whole lot of bad things for what he thought was the higher good. However, the fact that the ends justified the means didn't make what he did any less wrong. Rude was not good person. However, he wasn't a bad person either. It wasn't that simple. Good guys and bad guys, one side right and the other wrong.

Tifa would never see that; would never see the good in him. She'd never take the time to look and why should she? Tifa had her hero, and to her Rude was a villain.

* * *

><p>Black and white.<p>

He supposed it was easier that way; he understood the comfort in seeing your enemy as evil. During their struggle against the first incarnation of AVALANCHE, he'd killed his fair share of their forces. They were just ordinary people devoted to a cause they thought was right, but it would sure make the killing easier to see them as faceless bad guy and nothing more.

Black and white.

Rude knew better than that, even if thinking of his enemies like people made the job harder. Once upon a time he'd fallen in love with an AVALANCHE spy, and she wasn't evil or any different than Rude himself really. They'd just been people caught up in their circumstances.

When he met Chelsea he didn't know she was AVALANCHE. He found out later. Rude was a Turk, he noticed when things were amiss. He didn't act when he'd found out because he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, because he didn't want to see her get killed.

Because he loved her, and thought she might love him too, in spite of everything.

He'd met her on the streets and it had seemed like fate. He knew now it had been a set up. They knew the Turks habits. Knew they'd help civilians in danger if at all possible, of course the success of a mission took priority, it wasn't their job to police Midgar, but when they could be of service they'd gladly lend a hand.

So they'd arranged to have her attacked right when he happened by; he'd foiled the robbery and the mugger ran off. That left Rude with beautiful damsel he'd rescued, looking up in his eyes and softly saying he was her hero.

"Please, there must be something I can do to thank you," she'd said. She brushed her hair behind her ear, and tilted her head ever so slightly to the side.

"Oh no," said Rude, "It's nothing."

"So saving my life is nothing?" she asked. Then she giggled at the look on his face. "Oh come on, I'm only teasing. But please, let me do something for you. How about dinner sometime, my treat?"

One dinner had led to another. There was this warm feeling inside whenever he was around her. They could spend hours talking about everything or nothing at all. He loved her laugh most of all. She'd giggle at how shy Rude could be, but he never felt laughed at, only that she thought he was cute. It wasn't every day someone would think of _him _as cute.

Rude wouldn't say he should have known it was too good to be true. He wasn't that cynical, not even now and certainly not then. He was a different man then, before and after her. What had happened made the world seem harsher, but Rude supposed he should have learned life wasn't fair a long time before that.

Soon enough he'd picked up that things weren't right. The way conversation circled back to what he did for a living, but she never talked in depth about what she did. The way she'd sometimes stop herself from saying certain things. The times that she'd lie to him; for a spy she wasn't the best liar he'd ever seen; being conflicted could do that to a person.

Even when he knew the truth, he still had hope. She was conflicted. So maybe he was more to her than a mission. More than a Turk she'd been sent to manipulate for information. Maybe he was just Rude: the man she loved. Was it possible that as she'd worked to get him to fall for her she'd wound up falling in love for real? The look in her eyes said this was more than just pretending.

So he'd given her a chance. Given her a test.

It was simple enough. He'd gone to the bathroom on one of their dates and left his PHS where she could get it. He made sure to be gone long enough to give her ample opportunity to bug it. It was the perfect chance. Just the moment she'd been waiting for all along.

If she took it, then it meant he was nothing to her. Then he'd know what to do. He'd inform Veld and bring her in because that was the right thing to do. She was spy and a member of a terrorist organization. Any information she had could be used to save lives. It would be simple. It would be impossible. So what would he do then if he couldn't bring her in? Couldn't bring himself to take action that would mean certain death for the woman he loved despite all reason? Tell her he knew? Tell her to run?

In the end he hadn't faced that dilemma because she hadn't let him down. That night he'd taken his phone apart and put it back together. He'd run every sort of test he could. It wasn't bugged; he knew that without a shadow of the doubt. Hell, she hadn't even tried to access any of the information on it.

So she really did love him? She couldn't bring herself to carry out her mission anymore than he could bring himself to turn her in. Shin-ra and AVALANCHE were sworn enemies, but Rude and Chelsea were in love. Nothing else mattered except that fact. Love transcended all else.

Rude knew what to do then. He'd tell her he knew, and tell her to trust him. Then they'd make a plan from there. Maybe her time with him, seeing that he wasn't some evil henchman, had made her question where she stood. If she was abandoning her mission that meant she was turning on AVALANCHE. From what Rude knew of the group, they wouldn't let that go lightly. If she tried to leave she'd be a liability. They'd kill her for sure. He could offer her safety. If she turned on AVALANCHE, gave the Turks information, then they could arrange for her protection. Maybe she'd even join them, and they could be on the same side.

If she refused well then…they'd have to work something else out. The idea of running away together was dangerous if not impossible. Shin-ra wouldn't let Rude just walk away anymore than AVALANCHE would let her go. They'd be fugitives with enemies on all sides and nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. But there was a part of Rude that thought that didn't matter, because at least they'd be together. They had to die someday, and he could think of no better way to go than with the woman he loved by his side, together until the very end.

A more rational part of Rude's brain knew that such a course of action would be unbelievably stupid. The more loyal part of Rude knew he could never leave Shinra. What would that do to Reno? Being forced to hunt down his own partner, or sit back and let it happen? Turks didn't turn on their own. It wasn't a position Rude would ever want to put them in, but if anything would justify doing that it was love.

Rude wasn't sure what he'd do. All he knew was that he and Chelsea needed to work something out.

The night he'd let her gain access to his PHS he'd told her to meet him in the park the next night, either to confront her, if she'd taken the bait and bugged his phone, or if he meant more to her than AVALANCHE then he'd tell her that he loved her too. Either way, Rude hadn't been sure exactly what the next step would be. Either way, he needed to see her again.

But she hadn't come…

They were supposed to watch the tree lighting together. It was the Yule Holiday, a holiday for lovers. The lights on the tree represented undying love, and the hope that everyone would find their one true love someday. Two souls whose light shown out into the darkness, meeting to form a single light, bright, warm, and everlasting.

Some of Rude's colleagues balked at such sentimentality, while other disliked holidays on principle. Why did you need a holiday as an excuse to do something for someone you loved? It was just a scam by the card and candy companies, to boost sales; what buy into mindless consumerism?

For his part, Rude liked the idea behind the holiday and the tree. What better place to tell Chelsea that he loved her? That their love was stronger than their circumstances, even if it didn't seem like it was meant to be?

He stood in front of the tree for a long time waiting. It began to snow. A rare sight in Midgar; overcast was a constant but that had more to do with pollution than weather. Actual precipitation was almost as rare as sunshine. People passing by remarked on how perfect it was that night, like something out of a card, magical. A perfect moment for people in love, glistening snow flakes to match the shimmering light of the tree.

Except life wasn't meant to be as perfect as greeting card or as happy as a fairy tale, at least not then. Not for Rude and Chelsea.

Eventually the other Turks found him there. Their little rookie shotgun expert found him first. Her name was Xero, and she was tough as nails. When she found that Rude that night she looked so sorry.

"Chelsea wanted me to tell you that she…" she trailed off. She couldn't say the words. "Won't be coming today."

There was more to it than that, but that was all Rude needed to know. Rude knew he'd never see the woman he loved again.

She was an agent of AVALANCHE and he was an agent of Shin-ra. As much as she loved him, she could not bring herself to trust him. Maybe what she'd done had been out of love. Maybe it was kinder of her to disappear without a word rather than ask Rude to choose between her and Shin-ra. Still, it hurt to think that maybe she didn't even consider the possibility that he would have chosen her. That they could have found a way, or at least tried to, because it was worth it to try, even if it meant risking everything.

Then again, maybe she loved him too much to ask him to risk that for her. Maybe she knew she couldn't join Shin-ra, and running away together would be a death sentence for them both. Maybe dying alone with the knowledge that your beloved would live because you didn't ask them to die with you was more romantic than dying together like star-crossed lovers in a play.

Maybe their ending was more tragic too. Dying was easy, going on without the person you loved was harder than anything Rude had ever done.

Years later, Xero had told him what Chelsea had really said to her.

"I know she's gone," said Rude. AVALANCHE had ensured she didn't last long on her own after turning traitor, of that Rude was certain "Before she died she wanted you to tell me something, what was it?"

Xero had swallowed and taken a deep breath. "She said…she believed in reincarnation, and when she was reborn she wanted to meet again."

Rude had smiled at that. It seemed fitting. Undying love; the hope that soul mates would find each other, two lights shining in the darkness. If there was such a thing as the next life he'd be waiting, but for now he had this life to live.

Years passed, and Rude did his best to move on. He tried to love again, and wouldn't you know it. The next girl he fell hard for was also technically his enemy. But at least at the moment, there was no reason to fight with her.

Despite what people thought, Turks didn't go looking for a fight. Rude only resorted to violence if he was given an order, or if someone or something got in the way of the mission. At the moment, the fact Tifa was with AVALANCHE no longer mattered. That fight was over. Now they all faced a common enemy, and shared the same fate. What did factions matter when the world was about to end?

At the moment Rude's only mission was to get Rufus Shinra to relative safety. So he kept his head down, and hoped Tifa wouldn't notice him as she frantically rushed by. The rain stopped falling, but the wind continued to roar as if it might tear the world apart.

* * *

><p>As they made their way back into the lobby Rude spotted Tseng and Elena. He didn't want to risk saying Rufus's name, or Elena blurting it out, so instead of calling out to them, he merely turned his head towards the paramedics he was leading. Tseng understood Rude's meaning and nodded before moving to follow Rude, Elena in tow.<p>

"How is he?" asked Tseng.

"Injured but alive," said Rude.

They reached the executive panic room and found Reno cradling the still unconscious Rufus. The paramedics looked at each other, and then stepped forward to exam Rufus. Reno got out of their way, but watched them like a hawk.

"What's his condition?" asked Tseng.

"Stable," said the paramedic, "for now." They loaded Rufus onto the stretcher.

"Where are you going to take him?" asked Reno. Reno fixed the paramedics in his gaze, starring them down like guard hound about to charge if they made one wrong move.

Rude understood Reno's sentiment. Paramedics or not, the Turks weren't about to trust just anyone with Rufus's well being.

"We'll take him to the hospital," said the paramedic, "but we can't say what will happen when—"

"Can't say?" asked Reno, "What the hell does that mean?"

"I mean Meteor," said the paramedic. "What can we do if the Planet's about to be destroyed? We can't guarantee anyone's safety any more."

"Well, I guess that's the truth," said Reno. "Just be careful with him, all right? Come on, I'll show you short cut." Reno led them through a side door that connected to the panic room. It was the quickest way to the front entrance.

"What is this passage?" asked one of the paramedics. "It's not on the schematic we were given."

"Secret exit for executives only," said Reno. "So don't tell anyone."

Reno laughed at that, and Rude joined him. What did it matter now?

The paramedics looked unnerved, despite the Turk's laughter and one of them said, "Yes, sir." As if they were terrified the Turks would kill them if they ever revealed the secret.

Rude almost laughed at that too. Really, who cared about the Shin-ra building's secrets when the place was in ruins and the world was about to end?

As they continued towards the outside Reno suddenly stopped. He looked back the Turks, and pointed. A little ways off was a familiar figure, another one time enemy, Yuffie.

Elena looked at Yuffie, then back at the Turks. Rude knew Elena; Rude might have been willing to walk away from a fight but Elena was young and had something to prove. She looked at them like a hound awaiting the command to sick a rat; barely able to stop herself from moving to follow Yuffie.

Rude looked at Reno. He knew for a fact that Reno didn't like unfinished business, but his partner looked torn. The last thing Reno wanted to do right now was leave Rufus's side, not after coming so close to losing him. To Rude it seemed that Reno was caught between two conflicting obligation, his duty as a Turk and his duty to Rufus, not just as his Boss, but as the person he loved. Then Tseng spoke up, and Reno no longer had a choice.

"You three look into it," said Tseng, "I'll accompany him to the hospital. Report back to me there."

Reno hesitated for a moment and then nodded. They all knew Rufus was safe with Tseng.

Reno took one last look at Rufus and then turned to the rescue team. "You take good care of him, all right?"

"Of course, he'll be in good hands," said one of the men. "By the way, what is the patient's name?"

"He'll tell you himself once he wakes up," said Reno. "Just make sure you put him in a good hospital room."

"Could he be—Rufus Shinra?" whispered one of the men carrying the stretcher.

"Shh!" said hissed the other, looking warily at Tseng.

Rude almost felt sorry for the rescue workers.

Tseng moved off, the rescue team following close behind. Rude turned to follow Reno and Elena. He didn't really understand the point of going after AVALANCHE now, the last thing Rude wanted was a fight. Would a final show down with AVALANCHE really do them any good?

Things had changed. Even if the world didn't end, it was the end of an era. Shin-ra would never be the same again. So why keep battle lines drawn? Things were less black and white than ever. It seemed like a time to let things go.


	9. A Mere Sense of Duty

_Nothing truly valuable arises from ambition or from a mere sense of duty; it stems rather from love and devotion towards men and towards objective things. - Albert Einstein _

* * *

><p>Rufus Shinra lay unconscious in the hospital bed. He and Tseng were alone in the private room. After his fellow Turks had checked in Tseng had sent them to look into a means to evacuate the President. The doctors said he'd be well enough to move once he woke, and that moment could not come soon enough for Tseng. It wasn't safe here, and the sooner they got away from Midgar the better.<p>

Tseng paced the room like a restless guard hound. The nurses hadn't disturbed them, perhaps they were too busy with the flood of patients in the wake of the disaster, or maybe it was something about Tseng's presence in the room that drove them away.

He sighed and came to stop beside Rufus's bed. Tseng looked down on Rufus where he lay and for a moment simply watched him sleep. Tseng had stood at Rufus's bedside like this once before, a long time ago. Rufus was only eleven years old but was trying very hard to be an adult. Tseng was nearing the end of his teens but had grown up long before that. Then as now, he had come close to losing Rufus.

It was the night after they'd recovered Rufus after his attempt at running away. After they'd brought him home, unscathed despite being kidnapped then caught in the middle of a firefight, Tseng had been charged with showing Rufus back to his room. He'd intended to reprimand the boy, but Rufus had shown such maturity and genuine contrition that Tseng had found himself kneeling down to comfort him. He'd told Rufus to get cleaned up and ready for bed; his father would see him first thing in the morning.

Tseng should have left then, but for some reason he'd waited to see Rufus to bed. The boy had been through so much. He'd never seen Rufus so shaken, and it was all so soon after his mother's death. Tseng had stayed because he felt Rufus needed someone there.

When Rufus had emerged from the bathroom clad in dark blue pajamas, he'd looked at Tseng in surprise.

"You're still here?" he asked.

"I thought I'd see you to bed," said Tseng, "I wanted to make sure you were all right. You seemed quite shaken."

"I'm almost twelve years old, and I am _not_ a child!" he snapped, pushing his hair back. Despite the fact that Rufus's small size and large blue eyes made him seem very much a child, he said it with such conviction and authority that no one would question him, but Tseng knew better. Rufus was still just a boy.

"I didn't meant to imply-" Tseng began.

"I am Rufus Shinra and I haven't needed anyone to tuck me in for years." He climbed into bed, and pulled the covers over himself.

Tseng knew that the truth of the matter was he hadn't had anyone to tuck him in for years. He'd been sent to boarding school at five, and it was around that time his mother had become more with drawn. Fights over whether she was "coddling the boy" had become a source of tension between Lady Rachel Shinra and the President, and it was a battle she'd conceded in the end.

"I just wanted to make sure you're all right," said Tseng. "You've been through an ordeal that would leave most people shaken."

"Well I'm not most people, I'm a Shinra," said Rufus, "not a coward. Even if I was a little flustered earlier. It was nothing."

"I won't speak of it," said Tseng. He knew it hurt Rufus's pride that he had come so close to crying earlier. "And there's nothing cowardly in being afraid sometimes," said Tseng, "in fact a little fear can be a good thing." He'd come to stand by the edge of Rufus's bed so they could talk.

"But you're a Turk," said Rufus, "you're not afraid of anything!"

Tseng had chuckled at that. "If only that were true," he said. He would have told Rufus how afraid he'd been of losing him that day, but he didn't want to make the boy feel worse. "But Turks have plenty of reasons to be afraid, bravery doesn't mean you have no fear, it means doing what has to be done in spite of it."

"And power means you shouldn't ever have to be afraid," said Rufus, "people should be afraid of me, well someday anyway, because all this will be mine." The last it trailed off into a yawn.

Tseng shook his head; no doubt Rufus got these notions of invincibility from his father.

"Besides, I have you and the rest of the Turks to look after me," said Rufus. He closed his eyes, arms curled up to sleep. Tseng had stayed and watched him fall asleep, if only to take in the miracle that they'd managed to bring him home alive. There'd been a gun to his head earlier that day, and if it had been fired there would have been nothing Tseng or any other Turk could have done to save him.

It was true, they would be there to look after him, for Rufus was the future of Shin-ra, and Tseng in particular was sworn to protect him, but Tseng had hoped at the time that Rufus wouldn't make their jobs too difficult.

In hindsight, Tseng should have known that that had been too much to hope for, but at least Rufus Shrina had made it through every trial thus far.

As Tseng watched Rufus's sleeping form he was struck by how different Rufus was now from the little boy he had been then. His Rufus had grown from boy to young man before Tseng's eyes, and there was nothing young about Rufus now. Even as sleep softened his features, he was every bit a man.

Had Tseng succeeded to some extent, then? The boy he'd been sworn to when he was no more than a child himself had grown into everything he was meant to be and more.

Tseng reached out and gently pushed Rufus's hair back away from his eyes. His Rufus had survived so much; perhaps it had been foolish to ever doubt that he would survive this. It would take more than the end of the world as they knew it to stop Rufus Shinra. Still, when WEAPON's blast hit the towers Tseng could have sworn his heart had stopped.

He had been en-route to Midgar at the time. He'd taken one of Danny's bikes and made his way to Midgar. Even before the attack, people were fleeing the city; Tseng fought against the tide, weaving in and out of traffic as he went. Tseng stopped when he saw Sister Ray's beam, and pulled over to the side to watch. His eyes were fixed on the tower. Then WEAPON returned fire, and Tseng stood by helplessly.

It seemed as though it had happened in slow motion, and all the while Tseng was frozen. All he could do was watch; even his scream was caught in his throat. In many ways it was like watching a recording, a tape slowed down and then sped up, and caught on loop so that he could not blink without seeing it replay.

Knowing Rufus, he most likely in his office at the time of the blast. Watching the explosion was like watching him die, and being powerless to stop it. Just as he had been powerless to save Aerith, because he wasn't there when she'd most needed him.

At every turn, Tseng had failed her. All the years he'd spent watching over her were for nothing, and maybe that was a foregone conclusion. Tseng was no guardian angel. He was a Turk, and it was because of his failings that she had been forced to leave Midgar and journey into certain danger. It was because of his failings that he hadn't been there when she fell. Just as he was not there for Rufus when his charge was facing certain death.

Rufus Shinra stirred in his sleep. The movement pulled Tseng from his thoughts. Tseng smiled, the ice of his memories melted by all-encompassing warmth. Rufus was right here. Tseng bowed his head in a silent vow to never let Rufus face such danger alone again. Although Tseng could not promise to never leave Rufus's side - his duties would surely require it and Rufus wouldn't abide anyone hovering - he would do all he could to ensure that when Rufus needed him he would be there.

Aerith was gone, his life's duty to her forever at an end, but as long as Rufus Shinra lived then Tseng was still sworn to his purpose. He would serve Shin-ra, a Turk until his dying breath, and he would be there for Rufus.

_Be there for him, when I'm gone. _Rachel Shinra's words came unbidden to his mind. He not thought of Rufus's mother in years, and had tried not to think of the day she'd died. It had been Tseng's first taste of regret.

Some, unacquainted with killing, might think that the first kill would be the hardest and after that it would get easier. There was truth to the idea that killing got easier with time, that violence could become almost routine, but it wasn't a linear progression from difficult to simple. Tseng's first kill had been quite easy. It had been in the middle of a gunfight, and Tseng had shot first. Pulling the trigger was almost like a reflexive action, he'd barely thought about it. He'd shot, he'd kept moving, and he fired again at the next opponent. Assassinations had come later, but they weren't much more difficult, all he had to do was hit the target.

Although Tseng had not been the one to end Rachel Shinra's life, he took full responsibility for her death. He had been the one to bring her in and they'd both known what that would mean. All the same, she'd come quietly in the end. Perhaps because she knew he'd have to shoot her if she ran, and she didn't want Tseng to be one to it.

"Oh, it's you," she'd said when he caught up with her.

Tseng had known her for as long as he'd known Rufus. She'd watched them together as children during the play dates Veld arranged for Rufus to get to know Tseng. She'd smiled at him once when he about eleven. He'd been sitting on the floor, helping the four-year-old Rufus build a tower out of blocks and she'd come over to see.

Rufus had just placed another block, and the tower began to shake.

"You mustn't build it too high, darling," she warned Rufus, "it will fall down if you do."

Tseng reached out to steady the tower, shifting the block to make the weight even. Rachel had smiled at him then.

"You're Tseng, aren't you?" she asked, "Veld's ward? I knew your mother. She was a very sweet woman from what I recall."

"You knew my mother?" asked Tseng. Tseng barely remembered her himself. Everything before Veld took him in was blank, except for flashes of memory and more often nightmares. Someday Tseng had planned to ask Veld how she died. He had been there when it happened, but he couldn't remember except the sound of gunfire and screams and blood. It was all a blur, like something from a dream.

"Not well, I'm afraid," said Rachel. "I met her a few times. She hosted the baby shower for Veld's daughter right after she was born; what is her name again? Felicity...Felicia, yes that's it. I was there, of course, I was going to be a mother myself in a few months. It did me good to be around a baby, and so many children were there. Jackie's little girl Rosalind, and you as well. Then your mother, oh she played piano beautifully. In fact, I liked her playing so much that I hired her to come play for me while I was pregnant with Rufus. I wanted my boy to know music as well as he knew my voice." She reached out and ruffled Rufus's hair affectionately. "Do you play at all Tseng."

"I...I used to," he said, thoughts of his mother's lessons coming to him like a memory from a dream, "but not since she passed away."

The smile vanished from Rachel's face and her delicate hand went to her lips. "Oh, yes...oh dear. I didn't mean to remind you of...I am so sorry for your loss."

Tseng believed that she'd meant it when she said she was sorry. Rachel Shinra was radiant in every sense of the word, and really did seem like an angel in her flowing white gowns. Her beauty alone seemed to glow, blonde hair framing her face like a halo, blue eyes so full of life, but more than that her very nature seemed to shine. She seemed so kind, that to be near her was to be bathed in warmth.

Tseng often wondered how a woman like her could end up married to a man like President Shinra. However, such things were not for him to know. Although he did know that she wasn't as sweet as she seemed, or at least not so innocent.

Rachel had also been much smarter than Tseng would have initially given her credit for. She saw the end coming. Guessed her affair had been found out, and what her husband might do. Rachel had arranged her escape before hand, and had everything she needed; fake I.D.s and papers, passage to Costa under a fake name and then to Wutai under another, and enough Gil to live comfortably for years in hiding. She'd made it out of the building and vanished right under the Turk's noses before they'd had a chance to guess that she'd know enough to flee.

Her escape might have succeeded if not for Rufus. Rachel would not leave without her son. She must have known it was stupid to come anywhere near Rufus's boarding school. She had to have known the President would never let her take his son, and that the Turks would be on guard. Although perhaps it was unfair to call desperation and love stupidity.

Tseng had caught her as she tried to sneak onto the grounds of the school. Rachel had enough sense not to try the front gate, but the Turks were smart enough to establish a perimeter. Tseng spotted her making her way towards a row of hedges, a small pistol in hand.

The fact she was armed made it easier for Tseng. For a moment he didn't see a mother trying to get to her child, he only saw that she was armed. The Turk moved on instinct: grabbing her by the wrist from behind, he twisted until she released her grip on the pistol. Tseng caught it with one hand and popped the clip; with the other he kept hold of Rachel, twisting her arm behind her back. Tseng tossed the empty gun aside and put a gloved hand over her mouth before she could cry out.

One of his colleagues spotted them, and called to bring the car around. He'd deal with the gun and any other evidence after she was in custody. Tseng pulled her towards the street. When Rachel saw that it was Tseng, she quit struggling and so he removed his hand.

"Oh, it's you," she said. Although her eyes were wide, her voice seemed more heart broken than sad. "You won't even let me say good bye to him, will you?"

"I'm afraid we need to leave," said Tseng. The car had pulled around, as black as a hearse.

"I see," said Rachel. She straightened, and moved to walk to the car. Tseng let go of her arm. He knew she wouldn't run. Before she got in, she turned to look at him. Staring at him with an intensity he didn't think was possible from such a woman, so small, delicate, sweet and beautiful.

"Be there for him, when I'm gone." From the way she held herself, the air of complete control if not command made Tseng think her words should have sounded like an order, but instead they'd been a prayer. Rachel Shinra was begging him, not for her own sake, but for her son's. "His father won't love him. He'll need someone there to look after him."

Those were the last words she ever spoke to him. Perhaps the last words she ever spoke to anyone. Tseng had done his best not to think about those words or the look on her face at the time. That was the first time he'd ever questioned his actions as a Turk. The first time he'd done something he knew in the core of his being to be wrong.

And what was he to do with those words? Tseng could not do more for Rufus than he had sworn to do as a Turk. Even when he wished he could do more.

Tseng knew there was nothing more futile than wishing. It did no good to pine over what could not be. Tseng could not save Rufus's mother, nor could he give the boy all he comfort he needed in the aftermath of that loss.

He had held Rufus's hand at his mother's funeral, but Tseng could no more hug him than Rufus could allow himself to cry on Tseng's shoulder. Tseng was of the opinion that Rufus needed to be hugged more often, and had thought so from the moment he'd met him.

Tseng wished that his duty meant that he could be whatever Rufus had need of most, because he would gladly give him anything, but Tseng could not forget his place. Rufus might have looked to him like an older brother when he was a child, or a surrogate parent perhaps, but Tseng could not be that.

He again thought to the night they'd brought Rufus home from his ordeal as a runaway. The first time Rufus Shinra had ever been in any real danger. Tseng had been so angry at Rufus for putting himself in harms way. His tone had practically been scathing.

"Do you have any idea how much trouble you caused? How many people we had to pull from their duties to look for you? What could have happened if we hadn't found you in time!"

"I...I..." Rufus had looked as though he might burst in to tears, he couldn't even meet Tseng's gaze.

Tseng felt terrible then. It was obvious the boy was shaken. Now wasn't the time to be so harsh. He'd wanted so much to hug him them, to tell him how glad he was to see him home safe and sound.

Instead Tseng had knelt to speak with Rufus face to face, and put a hand on his shoulder. It was the most he could do. "We were all worried," he'd told him.

Rufus had nodded. "I'm sorry, Tseng. Tell everyone I'm sorry. I...I wasn't thinking and nearly got myself ki-" Rufus hadn't been able to bring himself to finish that thought as his voice broke and his eyes clenched shut. A child fighting tears.

It took all the will power Tseng had in him to not embrace Rufus on the spot. He wanted nothing more than to gather the boy into his arms and hold him, and he could tell Rufus wanted nothing more than to cling to Tseng until all the fears of the day had vanished. However, they both knew better than that. Tseng might have been as a friend to Rufus when he was a child, and as a brother at that moment, but neither could forget what they really were to one another and what they would be.

It was no surprise then that by the time Rufus had gotten ready for bed his usual bravado was back in place. Tseng knew he must have been ashamed to have come so close to crying. Rufus's father had never accepted even the slightest sign of weakness. Perhaps that was part of the reason he'd had such trouble showing Rufus the slightest sign of affection, because for the President affection was vulnerability.

Tseng was glad that Rufus had found Reno. Rufus deserved to have a friend, or as close to one as was possible. He'd watched them train together as they grew from boys to teens. Reno wasn't like most Turks; it seemed so easy for him to forget his place. Tseng suspected Rufus appreciated being treated just like anyone else, being cared for simply as Rufus, rather than as Rufus Shinra heir of Shin-Ra Electric Power. Tseng supposed it shouldn't have been so surprising that more developed between Reno and Rufus.

Although he hadn't really thought that Rufus would turn out to favor other men. It was unfortunate turn of events, given the circumstances. A secret they would have to hide for Rufus's protection, for that side of Rufus's nature was yet another thing the President would simply not accept. But at least there had seemed to be a way around the problem. They could let Rufus have his lover; Reno was a Turk and as such he could be trusted not to betray Rufus's trust and to work to keep the affair secret. It was a good thing that Rufus had fallen for a Turk and not someone who might have posed a threat, which was virtually anyone else. The Turks existed to eliminate threats, and Tseng was glad that fate had not forced him to kill a man for the crime of being Rufus's lover. How fortunate that Rufus had chosen Reno.

All the same, Tseng could not stop himself from feeling a pang of envy. Rufus wasn't a boy any longer, but a handsome young man, if handsome was the right word. It was more that he had inherited his mother's radiance. Not that Tseng's feelings were simply physical attraction either. It was more than that.

Tseng loved Rufus in much the same way he loved Aerith. Over the years his feelings had grown from affection and a desire to protect into an attraction he knew he shouldn't feel, and tried his best to quash.

Unfortunately, such things were easier said than done. Years had passed and Rufus was no longer a teen but a young man who, during the years of Rufus's captivity, became more and more a trusted confidant, as strange as it was that the man they were holding prisoner for treason could become such a thing.

During this time Tseng had become aware that Rufus had rekindled his affair with Reno, but he said nothing. There was no reason to. Let them have each other, and their quantum of happiness amidst all the fear and sorrow of those troubled times. As for himself, Tseng didn't think he deserved such a thing, certainly not with Rufus.

It couldn't be, not when Rufus had looked to him as a mentor for so long. It would feel like an abuse of power to even look at him like that. It was the same reason Tseng would have to have a conversation with Elena as soon as there was time.

On the other hand, Tseng supposed things had changed between since the President's death. Rufus Shinra was no longer the boy Tseng was to look after until he was ready to take power, but a man who had come into his own. It was no longer Tseng's place to guide him, only to advise him when he wished for advice, and serve him to the end.

Rufus stirred again and his eyes opened to meet Tseng's gaze. At that moment, Tseng was simply grateful that the end hadn't come yet, and he'd never been more glad of anything than he was of that fact.

The young President's sat up, his eyes wide as he stared at Tseng, as shocked as if he'd seen a ghost. Tseng reached out and put a hand on Rufus's shoulder, if only to assure him that he was really there.

"You're alive," said Rufus.

"So are you," said Tseng. Tseng couldn't help but smile, and didn't care that there were tears in his eyes. It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that his Rufus was all right.

Rufus pulled Tseng close, and before Tseng could even realize what was happening Rufus kissed him. A part of him thought to pull away or push Rufus back, because he knew that Rufus Shinra was his boss and that he could not touch Rufus in this way. Except, it was Rufus who had made the contact: Rufus who was kissing _him_. That fact made it very difficult to register anything else. Except that Tseng knew this was what Rufus wanted, and Tseng saw no reason to deny him this or anything. Rufus wasn't a boy anymore; he could make his own choices. After everything that had happened, coming so close to never seeing Rufus again, all Tseng wanted to be like this, to be close to him.

Tseng let go of his objections, and didn't think of anything at all. Instead he simply felt the heat of Rufus's mouth and pull of Rufus's arms, kissing him like he would never stop and holding him like he would never let go.

In this state, neither heard the door open, or saw the look on Reno's face as he quickly withdrew from the room.


	10. Even Though It All Went Wrong

_And even though it all went wrong_

_I'll stand before the Lord of Song_

_With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah_ - "Leonard Cohen"

* * *

><p>Reno starred out the hall window, a cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth. Refuges swarmed into Kalm. As a kid Reno once doused an ant's nest in lighter fluid and lit it just to see what would happen. From the chopper, the people had looked like those ants, more and more pouring out of Midgar desperate to escape. From the window of the house in Kalm, the crowd was more like a river, people just swept along by the current.<p>

They should have gotten Rufus farther away from the city. Unlike the poor sods on the street, the Turks had air travel. They could get away, far away. Somewhere more secure.

Not that Reno wanted to run, but for Rufus's sake. Of course, it was Rufus who'd chosen to come here. His family owned houses all over the goddamn planet, but Rufus picked this one. Rufus Shinra wouldn't run away, even at the end of the world, or maybe because it was the end of the world.

Reno smiled despite himself. There was a reason he loved the kid.

The image of Rufus and Tseng together was seared into his memory. It was like seeing a partner shot down, the sort of image that just played on repeat.

The worst part was he couldn't even hate Rufus or Tseng. He was so fucking glad they were alive. Yeah, maybe for a just a moment it had crossed his mind, that wish that Tseng hadn't come back, or even that they hadn't found Rufus at all. Of course, Reno had pushed it away the moment he thought it. It was sick. He'd never wish that, not really. He'd give his life to see Rufus alive and happy, and maybe that meant he could live without him, if that's what Rufus really wanted. If Tseng was what he really wanted.

Except, what the fuck was he doing?

He tossed the cigarette out the window and turned to rejoin the others in Rufus's room. They were getting him settled in. Reno had left to take a smoke break, because he couldn't be in the same room with him. Because he wanted to think, because he had _really_ needed a cigarette.

But fuck it; this wasn't the time. The world was ending. Rufus would have orders to give. If it was all over, everything wiped out, he sure as hell wasn't going to waste the time he had left feeling sorry for himself or being angry or hurt, or whatever the fuck he was because he really didn't know at this point.

Reno slipped into the room and stood between Rude and Elena. Tseng was at Rufus's bedside, handing him some pain pills and a glass of water. Rufus gave Tseng a look, and Reno knew he wanted to argue, but they didn't have time for that. He downed the meds, and then looked to his Turks.

"Meteor's impact is imminent," he said, "you know what this means. I want you the Turks to return to Midgar."

"But sir, your safety is our first concern," said Elena. She didn't even think twice before questioning him. Then again, being ordered away was the sort of order even the Turks would object to.

Tseng sighed and shook his head. "Elena is right," said Tseng, "We're not going to leave you unguarded."

Rufus laughed, and then winced in pain clutching his side. "Tseng, I know we're all trying very hard not to say it, but the fact of the matter is even if I had an army here it wouldn't be enough to save me if the worst happens. However, I intend to act as though there will be a tomorrow, and I am not going to abandon my people. Do you really want to stay here, or do you want a mission?"

"We don't want to leave you alone," said Reno. "If it's…if we're clocking out, we should all be together. We're Shinra, we stick together." They couldn't just leave him, all alone and practically defenseless and just – oh lord just all alone. If this was the end, Reno wanted him to have a hand to hold on to.

"I do not have time for baseless sentimentality," snapped Rufus, forcing himself to sit up. "If we are all going to die it will not matter one bit if you're here or not. If we're all going to survive, then it our responsibility to save as many lives as we can. You've elected to stay with me, and you have sworn you loyalty. I expect all you to follow orders, and am ordering you to go. Now!"

They stood in silence. Rufus wasn't one to raise his voice or sound harsh. No, he was always calm, the worst he'd do if he got annoyed was huff or run a hand through his hair or maybe laugh if things were really fucked. At the moment, Rufus was all passion.

Tseng removed his holsters. They'd been a gift from Veld, and expensive gift if Reno had to guess. They were _nice_, dragon leather and just fucking sleek. Tseng had been wearing the things so long they'd practically become a second skin, molded to his body.

Reno watched as Tseng debated which to give Rufus. One held a double action revolver with a six-inch barrel, and the other a standard issue semi-automatic pistol; each gun held a slot for Materia. Tseng was the only Turk who used a revolver, everyone in the department, Tseng included, used pistols, even Ros and Zechariah, whose pieces weren't exactly standard issue still had pistols. Reno had over heard Ros ask him about the revolver once.

It had been Tseng's first gun. Who knew how early Tseng had learned to shoot being raised in the department, but from what he'd heard a revolver was easy to learn on. The mechanisms were simpler. With the semi-automatic the gun depended on the exhaust from the spent round to advance the cylinder to the next cartridge; you needed the first round to fire for the second to work. If the pistol jammed you were fucked. So to keep it from jamming you had to keep your wrist straight when you fired.

Not so with a revolver, even if you couldn't hold your arm straight it'd still shoot. If it jammed, which was unlikely, all you had to do was shoot again and the next round would fire, no problem.

On the down side, a revolver only had six rounds and forget about reloading that in a hurry. There was a reason semi-automatics were standard issue. They fired a lot of rounds and could be reloaded in seconds: ideal for a firefight against a large force or a mission where you might end up facing several enemies without any time to waste.

So why had Veld trained Tseng on the revolver? To teach him efficiency? Because he'd been too young to keep his wrists straight when the lessons started? Who knew, maybe both, but also and probably most importantly, knowing how to use a revolver and a pistol meant a tactical choice.

Revolvers, hard to reload and only had six rounds but fuck those babies had a lot of power. No semi-automatic could match the force of some of the rounds a revolver could take. Pistols weren't about power: they were about high capacity.

As Tseng stood their weighing a holster in each hand, he was making a tactical decision. He'd have to keep one of the guns if they were going in to Midgar, so which to give Rufus?

After a moment's deliberation Tseng laid the holster holding the revolver on the pillow beside Rufus. Perfect choice, in Rufus's condition he'd needed something that would fire even if he wasn't up to holding it right. Besides, it was fitting. Rufus liked power. He liked big guns that packed a punch, and since he was in no shape to manage a shotgun a revolver was the best bet.

Tseng knew Rufus so well.

And wait, why hadn't he thought to offer Rufus a weapon? Tseng had given Rufus exactly what he needed hear and now, and all Reno had done was make a fool of himself pleading with Rufus to stay.

_Baseless sentimentality._

"Sir," said Tseng, "I know there's little we can do to ease your mind, but I promise we will do whatever we can to ensure the safety of the people, and carry our your orders until the very end."

Spoken like a perfect Turk. That was Tseng, wasn't it? Reno had always sort of thought so. Everything Reno could never be, and really wouldn't want to be anyway, as much as he admired him.

Rufus nodded. "Thank you," he said, "all of you."

Tseng nodded, then turned to them. Reno knew that look: they were moving out. Midgar needed all the help they could give. Rude and Elena filed out of the room, but Reno hung back. He knew he should go; they'd expect him to fly. He was the best pilot they had, and with the storm picking up he'd be their only chance of getting there.

All the same, Reno waited. He wanted a moment with Rufus. They'd never been much for talking things out, but there might not be another opportunity.

Back when they first began, when it was just a game they played, Rufus would sometimes have dinner waiting in his room to share. It was always something nice. Fresh steak cooked enough to be good and hot, but still pink and juicy in the center, only the nicest cuts, or cream soups topped with caviar. It was always expensive stuff, the best stuff; even the ice cream they'd sometimes share was fucking ridiculous.

Saffron, cardamom, ginger, Gongogan Star fruit, goat's milk, dumbapple basil, and other things too. Reno remembered the pale yellow saffron ice cream, subtle and sweet. Sometimes Rufus would pair it was rose ice cream or lavender, which wasn't something Reno exactly associated with food but it was good enough. Sweet, but it reminded him too much of perfume.

He liked the sea salt caramel ice-cream though, it was sweet with thick gobs of freshly made caramel blended with pink sea salt they'd mined from the tops of mountains, because it was sweeter. Reno liked that salty sweetness.

Sometimes Rufus would tell him to close his eyes as he fed him ice cream by the spoonful.

"If you're deprived of one sense, the others become heightened to compensate," Rufus explained. "There's a restaurant in Sector 8 where you dine in pitch darkness. The waiters are all blind, so it doesn't make any different to them, but to you…well what do you think. Is it better with your eyes closed?"

A bit of the ice cream had dripped on Reno's skin. "Fuck, it's cold," he's said, "Rufus you're gonna make a mess."

Rufus had leaned in, as graceful as a cat and licked the melted ice cream off his skin. "You don't like messy things? Why Reno, I'm surprised." Rufus took a bite of ice cream, slowly wrapping his lips around the spoon. "Mmm," Rufus said, before kissing Reno again his lips wet and sticky with sweetness.

Reno couldn't say he minded the nice things Rufus gave him.

He used to think Rufus did it to show off_. _Flaunt the fact he could afford things Reno couldn't stretch to, even on his Turk salary. One night, a few months before Rufus's seventeenth birthday, Reno had slipped up to his room to find him lounging on the bed.

"Would you like to help me break in my new bedding?" Rufus had whispered as he pulled the bedspread down and ran a hand over the sheets. The finest merino wool backed with one thousand-thread count Corelian cotton and threaded with 22-carat gold. Care to come feel?"

Soon their clothes would lie splayed on the bedroom floor, but undressing could wait; at that moment Rufus had just wanted to get Reno close enough to pin him to the bed.

"These sheets probably cost more than I make in a month, yo," Reno had remarked.

"More than you make in several," Rufus had corrected. Rufus pushed Reno down towards the pillow. "But all the more reason to tear them apart and leave them stained. After all, the point of having nice things is using them. I want to lay here with you afterwards, everything soft and nice. Just for a moment."

"Am I one of your nice things?" asked Reno. He hadn't liked the way Rufus said it, just like he didn't like Rufus always showing off how much money he had to throw away. Reno wasn't some dog that would roll over at the offer of a treat, and he didn't like the idea that Rufus saw him like some pet, a stray he'd taken in to offer cream and caviar.

"Of course not," said Rufus. "I don't own you. You're the person that makes nice things worth having, because you're someone I can share, and destroy, them with."

The answer was enough to satisfy Reno, for the moment. They both knew there wasn't more to say. The question didn't need to be asked.

Caring wasn't part of the game.

It hadn't been a big deal then. He was young and a good time, a great time, was all he thought he needed, but that was years ago.

It's been almost nine years since they'd first kissed, give or take a few months. Three years since they'd become lovers again. They'd had all the time in the world, but Reno had never said what he really wanted to say, needed to say. Now he found himself pushed beyond his limits. Rufus loved someone else and the world was literally ending.

But fuck that. After nine years, he was going walk up to Rufus, the look him in the eye and tell him how he actually felt, and how he didn't' like how things were, that he wanted to mean more to Rufus than just a convenient fuck. Despite the original terms of their agreement, Reno wanted more. So what if the world was ending? Reno was going take him aside, tell him his feelings, end it with a kiss, then go help save the world.

Tseng looked at Reno, but didn't question him. Instead the boss just nodded and moved past, he knew Reno would make it quick and catch up.

Rufus looked up at him. "Reno," he said, "I'm glad you stayed a moment. Before you go, there was something I wanted to tell you."

"No," Reno cut him off. He didn't want to hear Rufus's confessions about Tseng. He couldn't take that. "There's something I wanted to tell you. Just hear me out, Boss. All right?" He came closer. "I love you. Simple yo, that's just it's how it is., I could try to tell you more but it'd probably sound stupid, and I know you think I'm being stupid enough as it is, but I want you to know that those times with you? Best times of my life, and I ain't just talkin about the sex, yo. It's you, you're..." He sighed heavily. This was stupid. He should not be saying this shit. "Look, I know we weren't supposed to mean anything, I know you love Tseng, but I want you to love me, because you're everything to me. I want you to know that." He leaned down and covered Rufus's mouth with kiss. He was almost surprised at how quickly Rufus yielded, and returned the kiss.

Reno pulled away; there wasn't time. They needed to go. The Turk turned to leave without another word.

"Reno," Rufus called after him, but Reno was all ready out the door. He didn't want to talk anymore. Reno would not give Rufus time call him out on his - how would he put it? 'Baseless sentimentality'. He didn't want to hear Rufus explain what had happened with Tseng. They didn't have time to get into it. Besides, he didn't want to risk it turning into a fight. His last memory of Rufus shouldn't be fighting and bitterness, yo.

"Wait!" called Rufus. He'd raised his voice to ensure Reno heard him, and what he said wasn't a request.

Reno stopped and turned back, Reno was well trained and Rufus was accustomed to command. He should have known Rufus wouldn't just let him go, but he couldn't ignore him. So Reno turned around and came back.

"Yeah?" he asked. Trying to swallow the emotion in his voice. He'd said all that he had to say, and didn't think he could manage much more talking.

"Reno, I have something to say too," said Rufus. There was a long pause and he pushed his hair back his one hand. "I…well there's actually a lot to say, but I…what happened with…I…" Another long pause. Reno wished he could just run.

With the world ending and all there really wasn't any need to hash out their problems. If they died it wouldn't mattered. If they survived, well, then they'd have time to resolve it later. For now, Reno couldn't stand to lose Rufus when everything else seemed fucking lost, so no talking, no fighting, no coming to a conclusion.

"Boss, I've really gotta go," he said, "can't be late for the end of the world, right?"

"Promise me you'll come back," said Rufus. "If the world doesn't end, you have to come back, you cannot die out there. I forbid it. We have unfinished business you and I…and I…I need you to come back."

"Yes, sir," said Reno. He turned to go, but paused again to return to the bed for one final kiss goodbye. This one he didn't break off too quick. It lingered long and deep and parted slow and gentle.

Reno left the room and was grateful Rufus let him go without another word. All Reno wanted was to be sure that if this really was the last time he'd ever see Rufus Shinra, his last memory would be that kiss.

* * *

><p>Meteor was so close that you'd think you could touch it just by reaching out your hand. Despite the surrealness of the situation, the Turks prepared to patrol Midgar like it was business as usual. As soon as they were out of the chopper, Tseng gave the order.<p>

"There is no point in thinking about what will happen after the Meteor impacts," he said, "We will keep working and assume the planet will overcome this disaster."

Reno nodded with the others. How the hell did Tseng manage to do this? Keep all calm when the world was falling apart, and never show an ounce of worry. Perfect Tseng, he never looked shaken, well, except when they'd thought they'd lost Rufus.

So Tseng loved Rufus too? Well, yeah they'd kissed, but who'd kissed who first? How long had Tseng wanted him? Back when he and Veld had practically ordered Reno to keep fucking the kid? Tseng had been on edge; was he jealous Reno had gotten that assignment? That was kind of sick to think about, Rufus was only sixteen then and Tseng…well, Aerith was younger than Rufus and Reno knew what Tseng had felt about her.

And…and she was dead now. They'd gotten the report. Did Tseng know?

Reno's stomach twisted into a knot. He had no business being bitter and jealous at a time like this. Tseng had lost so much, and they were about to loose everything. Hadn't he told himself he'd let it go for now?

"What are you orders, sir?" asked Elena. She stood at attention like a fresh young soldier ready to rush into certain death and believe it was worth it.

"Spread out, we'll do what we can to aid in rescue efforts and evacuate survivors," said Tseng. "I'll take Sector 1, Elena head to Sector 2, Rude take 3, Reno 4, we'll rendezvous at Sector 5 then move on from there."

"Yes, sir," they said in unison. Elena darted off towards her sector. Reno and Rude walked off side by side. As long as they were heading the same direction, they'd stick together.

* * *

><p>Meteor might not have hit yet, but the town was already feeling its effects. Storms and earthquakes rocked Midgar, bringing down the buildings. The city of steel screamed as if it was caught in surprise.<p>

Despite the mayhem all around them, being on patrol in Midgar with Rude at his side felt like old times. Except now they were going to help people. Being helpful had always been a sort of side perk of their job, never the actual mission. Except for once.

"It's just like the chief to use his last orders for good deeds," muttered Rude.

"What about it?" asked Reno.

"Atonement," said Rude.

Wasn't it too little, too late? All the rotten shit Reno had done over the years. Sector Seven.

That mission.

At the time it had actually been pretty easy, aside from fighting off Cloud and co. It hadn't been hard in a second thoughts kind of way. Really, the weird thing was that it'd been easier than other kills.

Reno could use a gun, sure, but his weapon of choice generally meant being much more up-close and personal. He'd beaten people to death, fried them, hell once he'd even killed a guy with his own two hands. It was hard killing one person, but people, that was more like a number. Like the statistics coming back from Wutai during the war. Or maybe it was something about pushing a button, just so simple to do it, then too late to stop it. The consequences would come, but that was later, after he was well away and could turn his head.

Afterwards, when it was too late, when all had been said and done and a good piece of Midgar lay in ruins, he'd thought about maybe turning his gun on himself. It wasn't like he could have said no to the mission. If the Turks had refused they'd have been killed, and sure as shit Shin-ra would have found someone else who would have done the job.

Not that Reno really bought that excuse. 'I had no choice.' 'I was just following orders.' It sounded weak, hiding behind pretty rationalizations. Reno wasn't one for excuses in general, or buying bullshit, even when it was his own. Tseng would try to take it all on himself, saying he gave the order. But Reno couldn't let Tseng absolve him. Even blaming the President or Scarlet (and the whole idea reeked of that bitch), didn't really mean anything.

And yeah, they were to blame too. Everyone on the board was to blame, well everyone except Rufus but he wasn't exactly on the board. The rest of 'em, just as guilty as Reno. The ones who wanted it and the ones who let it happen.

Rufus had been in Junon at the time, his father had stripped him of any real power the minute he'd discovered his treason, not that Rufus had had much power before that anyway. Still, Rufus had managed to save the Turks, and Reno thought that maybe if he'd been there Rufus could have talked them out of it. But Rufus wasn't there, and the Turks didn't have any say in their missions, not any more. The only one who cared enough to stop and had the authority to have a chance at doing anything was Reeve, but at the end of the day he'd taken the President's suggestion of a vacation.

Turning away so you can't see the blood doesn't make you any less guilty. Quoting Loveless wasn't Reno's style but there was truth in that bit about evil persisting when good men do nothing. Reeve was a good man, a better man than Reno, not a killer anyway, and way more soft hearted sometimes, but he was just as guilty for what happened.

All of them were drenched in innocent blood. Reno wasn't alone in his blame, and there were other people who were probably more at fault, but that didn't matter.

It didn't mean he hadn't done it.

At the end of the day, there was always no. There was always I'll die first, or turning on Shinra. Maybe somewhere along the line he could have said no; he could have gotten out. How many rebels were former Shinra employees? At some point along the line, they wised up and said no, but not Reno. He was a company man, every bit as much Tseng or any of the others.

And now he was going to help people, save a few lives. Did it all balance out like some fucked up checkbook? The red is the people you've killed, save enough lives and eventually it will all be square. Bull shit.

Was atonement any better than excuses or just another lie to feel better at the end of the day?

"I see," was all Reno could manage in reply to Rude. It was time to part ways. He had a sector to evacuate and lives to save. Even if it didn't mean anything, it was the most important thing in the world at that moment.

He patrolled the mostly deserted streets, and watched the world go to hell around him. How could this be happening? This was Midgar, it couldn't just be wiped out. The way things were looking, even if the planet somehow managed to survive meteor, Midgar would be history, nothing but a ruin.

Reno wasn't going to cry over it. No use mourning losses in the middle of a battle. He kept moving, kept working. Made it easier; he didn't think as much that way. All the same, he couldn't help but think. Knowing he was probably going to die and the whole damn world with him made him look back at things, question things.

How the hell how he wound up being Reno of Turks, anyway? Why hadn't he walked from the start? Reno had never thought of himself as much of a joiner. With some of them it made sense. Rosalind was military born and bred; Zechariah had been a gangster, both joiners. Hell, Cissnei was raised just to be a Turk, some social experiment on conditioning. Tseng had been practically hand raised by Veld. They were all meant for it, and everyone had had their reason for joining, for staying.

His? Well Rufus had led him there, but it couldn't have been just that. He'd lucked into the position as a kid: saving the runaway Rufus Shinra's life had gotten the Turks' attention and the Turks had no problem taking them young. Easier to train pups, right?

Still, Reno thought that even if the circumstances had been different, if he'd never met Rufus Shinra, if he'd fucking hated Rufus Shinra, he would still have wound up a Turk. He'd have survived the slums one way or another, and in every life he could imagine his path would still take him to Shinra's door. Even if he'd stayed in the slums, a dirty little thief, he'd have gotten their attention somehow and a job offer. Maybe in another life he'd have made his first kill before becoming a Turk, but there wasn't a life he could imagine where he wouldn't be a killer.

Not because he liked it, but because life meant death. Kill or be killed, predator or prey. In the slums, life was dangerous and the only response was to be more dangerous. Reno was a survivor, just the sort of recruit Veld would want.

No, there was more to it than that. They weren't just thugs. The Turks were good men and women, the best people he'd ever known. Not a lot of people would get that, because of the things they'd done, but it was the truth.

That's why Veld had chosen him, because he was decent, or had been decent, once upon a time.

Reno spotted a truck by the side of the road. The hood was popped and a man was leaning over to look at the engine swearing all the while.

"Need a hand?" called Reno.

The man looked surprised to see the Turk, but nodded. "Sure do," he said. "Can't get her to the start. Think the battery might be dead."

"You have cables?" asked Reno.

"Yeah," said the man, "but I haven't seen another car in hours. Most people have all ready cleared out. Unless you've got a Materia for that we might be out of luck."

Reno chuckled. "I don't have a Materia for that, but I've got something, it's worth a try." If he turned the E.M.R. to max he could probably get a enough of a spark to jump start the truck. Of course, he'd have to be holding it when they did that, which meant there was also a chance he could fry himself. Well, if it wasn't dangerous it wasn't fun, right?

Besides, Danny boy had once used his rod to jump-start one of his bikes. He'd mentioned it while they were on break one day.

"Really?" Reno had asked, "You're lucky you didn't electrocute yourself."

"That would explain what happened to his hair," Rude had quipped.

"Hah, that's funny. So what happened to yours?" Danny had retorted.

Reno had actually been curious enough to ask Danny how he'd done it, and it came in handy now. Once the truck was started the man shook his hand. "Right, now I just have to get her loaded up."

"I can give you hand with that too," Reno offered. He didn't want to move on until the man was on his way.

"Wife and kids are inside," said the man, "we'd appreciate the hand. We really weren't expecting any help."

Even here on the upper plate the world wasn't the kind of place where people expected random acts of kindness, not anymore. Under plate, kindness was an almost alien concept.

He thought back to his first meeting with Veld, and how scared he'd been. It was almost impossible to believe that something good could be happening for him, even with the strange set of events that had led him to the Turks.

There'd been a shoot out and he'd taken a bullet for Rufus Shinra. After he was shot he was pulled into a car along with Rufus. Rufus had begged Veld to save him. Reno had never thought anyone would waste something as pricey as an elixir on him, but Veld hadn't argued.

Back at HQ Tseng had led Rufus away, without so much as giving them a chance to say goodbye. Veld had said, "Come with me."

Reno's heart had hammered all the way to his office. He hadn't done anything wrong and the man had saved his life, but Reno was plenty used to getting in trouble even when he wasn't guilty. Besides, these were the Turks. In the slums, you had big fish and little fish. All the little fish feared the big fish and the big fish weren't scared of nothing, except Shinra. The Turks, they were the fucking sharks, the ones even the scariest people feared..

"Sit down, son," Veld had said when they reached his office The old Turk got up and took a bottle of soda from a mini fridge in the corner. He set in front of Reno. "Thirsty?" he asked. He pulled a bottle opener from a drawer and opened it.

"Um…thanks," said Reno. The bottle was green glass, covered in a layer of water like dew from the cold of the fridge. Reno couldn't remember that last time he'd had something cold to drink.

"How are you feeling?" asked Veld.

"Fine…I guess?" said Reno.

"Good," said Veld. "I just have a few questions. We want to know exactly what happened. Our sources say you met Rufus Shinra after he arrived in Wall Market?"

"Arrived? Kid freaking swan dove into Wall Market. If he hadn't hit that cabbage cart we might not be having this conversation. Said he climbed under the plate…avoiding your boys I think? Yeah, well anyways he fell down and that cabbage guy was not happy." Reno proceeded to tell the whole story. How he'd gotten Rufus out of trouble telling some story about him being crazy to distract the guy so they could get away. Reno left out the part about taking the seller's wallet while he was at it.

He did own up to letting Don Corneo's men take Rufus when they caught up to them. Rufus had been screaming about who he was in Wall Market, someone took notice, probably thought they could get a ransom out of it. They'd come with guns, and Reno didn't think getting shot playing hero would help anyone. He'd tailed Rufus though; he never got off his trail. All the way to the warehouse where they'd been keeping Rufus. He told Veld how he'd picked the lock to get them out. They'd made a run for it. It ended in a shoot out when the Turks showed up.

"Your boys saw the rest, yo," said Reno. "I saved that Shinra kid's life, probably."

"Do you want a reward?" asked Veld.

Reno hesitated. He'd have saved Rufus's life anyway, but if this guy in a suit was going to offer him money for it he sure as hell wasn't going to turn it down. "You offering one?"

"What do you think would be fair?" asked Veld.

"Don't know if I believe in fair," said Reno. The slums had been his school. He'd learned that suspicion kept you alive. Besides the Turks were dangerous, they had to be worse than any gang under plate if even the bosses and Dons were afraid of 'em. Could be they'd just as soon kill him as reward him. "And I reckon you're going to cover up everything that happened with Rufus."

"Why do you think that?" asked Veld.

Reno shrugged. "Reputation. Old Man Shinra don't want people thinking it's easy to get at him, that Shinra kid supposed to be untouchable, right? So I figure me knowing all I do might not be so good for me." Reno knew full well how gangster's dealt with lose ends and bullets were cheaper than paying people off, why should the Turks be any different? Even if he'd done good, he still might know too much. "All the same, I did save the kid's life and that deserves something."

"Are you trying to black mail me?" asked Veld. He sounded more amused than threatened.

"Course not, ain't stupid. Besides I ain't got reason to say nothing, specially about people being so nice to me offering a reward and all. You did _ask_. So why not give me say 500 gil and send me on my way."

"You can relax son," said Veld, "We're not in the habit of killing when we don't need to. Think about it, if I wanted you dead I would I have given you the elixir?"

Reno smiled then, sheepish for jumping to conclusions. "Sorry, guess I used to getting in trouble, even if I didn't do nothing wrong."

"Oh, I'd say you've done a lot of things wrong," said Veld, "You're quite the talented little thief I'd say. We did a sweep of your house; you have quite the collection. There was Shin-ra property, contraband weaponry..."

"I was just gonna fence it, yo. Honest I swear. It ain't like I was doin' nothing with it. Guys' gotta eat and all, right? Look, we'll forget about the reward. Since I did save Rufus's life, maybe you forget about what all I took and we call it even?" Even if they weren't gonna kill him being locked up stealing didn't seem much better. After all the trouble he'd went through Rufus, was this what a kid got for being nice?

"Don't worry, we aren't going to arrest you," said Veld.

"Or hand me over to social services?" asked Reno. In his opinion that was almost just as bad. "I don't want to go to no work house, yo."

"As I said, Reno, I just want to understand what happened. What I'm curious about is why you'd take a bullet for Rufus. You seem like a smart boy; you know how to look after yourself. Selfless acts of heroism are hardly what I'd expect from—"

"From a slum kid?"

"From a survivor," said Veld.

"Well, Rufus was with me. Told him I'd look out for him. I ain't saying I'm not a liar, but I keep my word on some things."

Veld had smiled at him then. Reno couldn't remember a time when anyone had looked at him like that. Approval.

At the end of the day, Veld had told him he was free to go if he wanted, but if he'd prefer to stay there could be a place for him here. A job offer. No one had ever wanted Reno before and the idea of a roof over his head where he wasn't just squatting and three square meals a day was hard to pass up.

Reno finished loading the man's truck and moved off. There were more places to check for survivors, more people to help. As he moved through the city, circling the blocks, his mind circled around the question of why exactly he'd joined the Turks. Shouldn't that be the easiest question in the world to answer?

Maybe that was why he'd joined, nowhere else to go. It was like that for a lot of them. One way or another, Shin-ra was the only home they had and the Turks were their family. Veld was the closest thing to a father he'd ever known.

Yeah, there'd been times he'd have given anything to just get out of the situation at hand, because really, things had been fucked up for years. All the same, he couldn't picture any other life for himself.

Wasn't that evil, though?

"Hey!" a shrill cry pulled Reno from his thoughts. He looked to see a little girl running towards him.

"You, you're from Shin-ra?" she said, and it didn't sound like accusation. "You're here to help us?"

Reno broke into a grin. "Yeah," he said, "I am." It felt like old times. "What's wrong?"

She took his hand to tug him along. "My mom and dad are trapped. We were on a bus but then he whole plate started shaking and it flipped. They gave me a boost so I could climb out the window, but nobody else can get out."

Reno nodded and went with the girl. "Stay close to me, all right?" They headed off through the streets. Occasionally stopped by people looking for directions.

"Just head out of the city," said Reno, "get as far away from Midgar as possible." It was all he could tell them. It was all he knew.

Then the little girl tugged him onward, straining like a guard hound on a tight leash. Reno had to scoop her up into his arms at one point to keep her from dragging them under a bit of falling wreckage.

"Take it easy," he said, "We'll get there, but it isn't safe all right." She nodded, and he set her down. A roll of thunder booked through the sky and she buried her head against his arm.

"Come on now, brave kid like you afraid of a little thunder?" he asked. All she could do was nod again.

"Well then," said Reno, "you're even braver than a thought, going out in this storm to find help. Your parents should be very proud, yo."

The little girl smiled at him. "We're almost there, this way," she said. Running off ahead of him. No sooner had she left his side then a grashtrike lunged at her.

Reno swore and ran in bringing his E.M.R. down on its head. The monster turned its attention to Reno. Its stinger slashed at him, but Reno managed to avoid getting hit. One good zap from E.M.R. was all it took to bring it down. The monster exploded into nothing.

Reno turned to the little girl.

"You all right?" he asked.

"I…what was that?" she asked.

"A monster," said Reno, "they live under the plate, never seen one top side before. The quakes must be scaring them enough to send them scrambling up here."

"They're scared?" she asked.

"Yeah, it was probably more afraid of you then you were of it," he said. Wasn't that what you were supposed to say to make kids feel better? It was certainly more comforting than 'it wanted to eat you'. "Now come on, and this time, stay close."

They reached the bus and Reno surveyed the wreckage. It had fallen on the side with the door; the roof pressed against the wall of the building blocking the emergency exit, part of the wall had collapsed, burying a portion of the bus in debris including the side exit, and the rear exit in the back was jammed. Reno moved to the front of the bus and called for everyone to move to sides of the bus and stay back. He then drew his gun and fired, shattering the glass. He kicked out the rest, the called to the civilians, carefully helping them climb out through the shards.

He checked over the injured, then climbed inside to make sure no one wounded in the accident was left behind.

Well at least no one wounded who had a chance. Reno was out of potions, and had nothing helpful to cast. At this point, medical attention was unlikely, so anyone deemed red was as good as black. In triage situations it became pretty heartless, the wounded weren't people, just codes. Basic ratings, green- no immediate attention, yellow-needs attention but will survive, red-immediate care or will die, black-dead: leave it or bag it.

Reno scrambled through the bus, reaching out to feel for pulses. One black, another red, unconscious to the point a Phoenix Down wouldn't have done shit,, but he did find one unconscious man still in the yellow. Reno dragged him from the wreckage and handed him off to whoever was willing to take him.

Once they were clear of the bus he pointed them in the right direction, and prepared to move on. It was then he felt a tiny hand pulling on the side of his coat. It was the little girl.

"Thank you," she said.

He smiled at her and she smiled back. Reno couldn't help but think anyone but a little kid would find him smiling frightening. He was a monster after all, one of Shin-ra's boogiemen. How long had it been since a civilian had thanked him?

Reno moved on, sloshing through puddles left from the storm. Another tremor shook the plate, and all he could do was hope the whole thing didn't come crashing down. It should hold though, the pillars were strong, only a bomb in the precise location of…Reno didn't want to think about that.

Except how could he not?

Looking around the ruins of Midgar now he couldn't help but think about Sector 7. After the plate dropped it was all that was on TV for days. Just replays of the same damn footage. The plate dropping, the plume of debris that followed.

To know everything he had done, and to not want to take it back had to be evil? It wasn't his failure to leave the Turks that he felt guilty about; there had never been a right time to do that. It wasn't like things had gone bad over night. It was bit by bit. Like picking up a Touch Me frog with gloves and dropping it in boiling water, if it's boiling it'll hop out, but if the water's cool it won't notice if you turn it up 'til it's too late. Maybe evil was like that, if it was little things, day to day, here and there, you didn't notice until it was too late to get out. But even in hindsight, if there was some way to undo history, change things, Reno still didn't know if he would.

Hadn't everything he'd done been worth it, for some bigger reason? Like some higher moral thing. Not their place to judge or question orders, just trust that serving Shinra meant insuring something worth protecting.

Reno used to think what he did was for some greater good, but now Shin-ra was finished. The world was being destroyed and Shinra was to blame. Well, Sephiroth was to blame, but it all came back to the company he'd served. Reno had come to believe that only an idiot would die for their job, but the truth was he'd already given his life. He'd signed his life, and maybe his soul, away the day he'd joined the Turks.

And what was it all for? Nothing but pain? No, he'd believed in his job once, and he'd done some good things too, hadn't he?

A blaze glowed up ahead and Reno broke into a run. A mastered ice materia to put out a fire in a store front before it spread. Another problem solved and it time to keep moving.

Reno spotted three Shin-ra infantrymen gathered around the central pillar's service entrance up from under plate, their weapons drawn. Under plate, the entrance was a solid locked door; up here it was a metal gate. There wasn't as much risk of people trying to sneak _down to_ the slums, normally the gate wasn't even guarded.

As he drew closer he saw the gate was still raised, trapping everyone below the plate. Of course, there were other ways out. You could leave Midgar without ever having to come topside of the plate, but they should have been getting people out everyway they could under the plate or over it.

"What are fuck are you doing?" called Reno. Immediately he had a rifle pointed at him. Right, manner would probably be a good idea, even if these were Heidegger's thugs.

Reno put his hands up, as if to say whoa. The man seemed to relax when he saw they were on the same side. He removed his helmet up revealing a brown haired young man with blue green eyes. "Didn't know the Turks had survived," he said. "Listen, we're following orders," he said.

"Whose orders?" asked Reno. "Because I've got orders to and they include getting those people out of Midgar."

"We are trying to evacuate the city," he said.

Another trooper spoke up, pushing the younger man aside. "But we have to keep looters," he gestured behind towards the gate, "off the plate. If we let them up here they'll just cause more chaos."

"Looters?" asked Reno, "in case you hadn't noticed, stolen property is probably least of our concerns right now. You want the city evacuated, well hey, we're on the same team, but those people down there are part of this city."

"Then they should go back down and follow their designated evacuation route," he said. Reno couldn't tell if the words were meant more for him or for the mob of people readying themselves to storm the gates.

"Don't think that's gonna happen," said Reno. "We ain't got time to be fighting each other, but I'm going to open that gate. You can either help me or get out of my way."

The men looked to one another.

"Our commanding officer told of to secure this gate," said one of the men, but it seemed more like he was asking what he should do.

The one who had removed his helmet sighed and turned to the gate. "Come on, the Turk's right. We don't have to fight. We're supposed to be helping the people, right?" He stepped up the gate, and ordered the people to move back so he could get it opened but they just kept pushing against it.

If they opened it, there'd be real danger of getting crushed in the ensuing rush.

Reno moved towards the gate. "Hey, step back," called Reno, "All right folks, we're getting this gate open, but we need you to step back and keep calm." The crowd did not obey. Reno wasn't even sure they could hear him with so much screaming.

He drew his pistol and fired it into the air. A hush fell over the crowd. "We will let you out, but you must keep calm and back away from the gate. Once we open the gate, everyone can come out, no running, no pushing. Got it?"

The crowd kept their distance and the infantryman opened the gate. Reno backed out of the way as the people came forward. Soon the stream of people had turned into a flood as people began to shove their way through the crowd.

Reno drew his EMR, and flicked it open.

"You're gonna need more than that to keep them back," said the infantryman doubtfully.

Reno just smirked, casting his pyramid attack on some of the more violent members of the crowd. Once again a hush fell over the masses as they stared at the men frozen in the triangle of light.

"I said, keep calm, yo," said Reno, "now move, slowly. No rush people, everyone's getting out."

The infantryman beside him laughed and gave him a smile. "Wicked," he said.

The crowd shuffled out, quick paced, but no longer panicking or trying to run. They fanned out onto the street and headed out of Midgar. Once they'd cleared of he let the attack drop. The people he'd trapped stood there dazed for a moment then ran off without looking back.

"What now?" asked another of the infantrymen, he pulled off his helmet to reveal short black hair.

"I guess keep moving, help with evac," suggested Reno. "You could head under plate and see if something's blocking people from getting out of the slums down there."

They nodded, "Yeah, good idea, you wanna come with?" he asked. It was strange this easy camaraderie. It didn't matter who was Turk or infantrymen. No bad blood anymore, they were Shin-ra, no they were rescue workers in a disaster and nothing else mattered.

"Nah," said Reno, "I've got to finish my sweep top side before I head down. Oh hey, who ordered the evac? Wasn't sure which execs survived."

"Reeve Tuesti," said the one who'd first removed his helmet.

Hmm, so Reeve was alive and finally getting a chance to some good. Reno smiled at the thought as he headed off. His work was here was far from over.

* * *

><p>Reno finished the final sweep of the sector. It was time to find the others and move on. There were more sectors to clear before they were through.<p>

At least thanks to Tseng and Rufus the last act of Shinra and the Turks would be helping people. Reno didn't know how much that counted for, but it felt right.

Reno ran all the way back to Sector 6, and when he finally came to a stop he had to spend a minute catching his breath. There wasn't much time left, or he didn't think so, even the rescue crews had started to evacuate, but at least the rescue teams had managed to clear out his sector, and he'd done his best to help wherever he could. "All right," he said, "Evacuation of Sector 4 is…" he took a moment to breath, "complete." Job well done, now for the next sector.

"Reno!" called Rude.

He turned to see him coming around a corner, Elena following close behind. "Yo!" he called in greeting, "How's it going?"

"The civilians in Sector 2 have been evacuated," said Rude.

"Sector 3's clear too," said Elena.

"All right," said Reno, "All that's left is-"

"Sector 5," said Elena, finishing his sentence.

Reno might have been out of breath, but Elena was eager to go as ever. Maybe she was just eager to get back to Tseng. Reno wondered what she'd say if she found out about him and the President. Reno tried to push the thought away.

"Let's move it," he ordered.

"Affirmative," chirped Elena. If the circumstances weren't so dire, Reno might have laughed at that. She was always so formal, even the way she held herself. That's what he loved about Elena; she tried so hard to be what she thought a Turk should be, even when it didn't come naturally.

Reno had never bothered trying to be anything; he was what he was, but he managed to be a Turk all the same, but he wasn't like the others, especially Tseng. Tseng was everything a Turk should be. Maybe that's why Elena was so in love with him. Reno wondered if Rufus—

"Meteor's almost here," said Reno. He did not have time to think about Rufus. He needed to stay on target, and they needed to go.

The rain had stopped, but city still screamed. They raced through the cobblestones streets of upper plate Midgar. The city was falling to pieces all around them, and there wasn't a soul in sight. Reno would have said the place was dead, but death would be peaceful. The place was dying.

When they found the chief standing in a small courtyard, Elena called out to him. "Tseng, sir!"

The way she said his name, like seeing him was enough to make everything better again. She was so damned young.

He turned to face them. "Everyone," he said by way of greeting. They waited for their orders. Tseng did not look happy, then again, who could? Across the courtyard, Reno saw the wreckage of a building that had partially collapsed.

"Were their people inside?" asked Rude.

Tseng nodded, "They're still trapped in the debris."

Reno stepped up. "What are we waiting for?" he asked. "Let's get move this junk and get 'em out." He was ready to go to work. It felt good, having a job at hand, or maybe it was nice to be helping people for a change.

Tseng moved towards the building and Elena screamed a warning. "Tseng, get back!" She pulled him away from the building, tackling him to the ground in the process. Reno turned away to shield his eyes from the flash, but he still heard the roar of the explosion and felt the ground tremble with the force of the blast. When he looked back all saw a mass of flames on the other side of the courtyard in front of the ruined building. It looked like a radio tower had collapsed; it now lay on its side, blocking their path.

"Is everyone all right?" he asked.

Elena was on the ground, on top of Tseng, the back of her coat singed. "Uh…I'm all right," she squeaked. She looked down at Tseng, then blushed and got off of him, offering her hand to help him up.

"I'm fine," said Tseng. "Thank you, Elena." He looked at the flames. Even this far back they could all feel the heat.

They needed to get the fire under control, and then somehow get the tower out of the way.

How the hell were they supposed to do that exactly?

Elena starred at the fire, mouth hanging slightly open. "No way," she said, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Not good," said Rude.

That pretty much summed things up, although Reno personally thought 'we're fucked' would have also worked. "We can't do this," said Reno, "this is too much for four people to handle."

"Is this it?" asked Tseng.

Reno wasn't quite sure what he was asking. Did he mean was this the point where the Turks gave up or the point where they died trying?

"Whatever the task, the Turks will carry out their mission," came a voice, firm and resolute. "To give up is unforgiveable, right?"

Reno knew that voice.

He whirled along with the others. He was dreaming, had to be. Maybe Meteor being so close was causing him to hallucinate.

Reno blinked; it didn't look like a dream. It looked like everyone he'd ever worked with was standing right there. All his old colleagues, and Veld. How long had been since he'd seen them, less than a year ago, but it seemed like a lifetime.

Back then the Turks had done something that wasn't in the interests of their company. Funny thing was, now that Reno thought about it, they'd probably never worked so hard to be loyal than when they were officially traitors. It wasn't loyalty to President Shinra or the company; it was loyalty to a promise, to their duties as Turks. It wasn't about Shin-ra; it was about saving Midgar; saving the world. To help the people of Midgar they'd all been willing to give their lives. Reno had pushed himself beyond his limits and never stopped to take a break.

Unfortunately, saving the world didn't win them any points with Shin-ra.

President Shinra and the executives ordered the Turks to be disbanded and killed. They would have been done for if it wasn't for Rufus.

For a while there, Reno had thought there was no way they could make it out on top. After the President captured Veld it seemed like they were finished. Everything had been closing in on them, like fox cornered by guard hounds, teeth at every turn: no escape. AVALANCHE had been out to destroy the world and Shin-ra had been out to destroy the Turks. The President had Veld, and time was running out before he'd be executed.

Reno couldn't imagine carrying on if they lost the chief. Everything was falling apart. Still, they didn't give up; they scrambled everything they had to find a solution. Keep fighting until the end.

Rufus had lent a helping hand, accessing Shin-ra's secure mainframe like it was child's play. He had top-level clearance and the knowhow to get in without anyone know what he was doing. Then he'd let them know it was him showing them the way. The way he talked, Reno felt like he was mocking them.

"Veld's execution is scheduled for noon tomorrow. Do you think you can save him?" Rufus had asked. In the midst of the Turk's panic, Rufus had seemed so fucking calm. Goading them.

"We'll do everything we can," Tseng responded, unflappable as always.

"I've pinpointed the exact location he's being held," Rufus had offered, in a cool, if you're interested sort of way.

That had been enough to throw even Tseng off his guard. Reno had been left sputtering.

"Seriously?" he'd asked out loud, to no one in particular. Rude was the only one to really remain calm.

"That's the boss for you…" Rude had said, as if it were all expected, as if Rufus were all ready in charge. Except, he had been, he'd known just what to say to get the Turks to do just what he wanted, even if they didn't trust him yet.

Reno had loved him, that was for sure, but loving wasn't the same as trusting, and even now Reno wasn't sure his feelings were mutual. Rufus Shinra was his father's son, he played games with people as if they were chess pieces. He'd played the Turks, and Reno before, and even if he could forgive him, love him, after all that, trust wasn't easy.

In the end, though, they'd had no choice but to put their lives in his hands, to shallow his bait hook like and sinker. Rufus knew where Veld was being held.

"And I wouldn't mind telling you where he is either," Rufus had said, allowing his words to sink in before continuing, "However, as you know, nothing comes without its price. The same goes for this information."

Reno didn't get to hear what Rufus's asking price was then. Rufus would negotiate his terms with Tseng and Tseng alone. He'd ordered Reno and Rude out of the room like he all ready owned them.

"Reno, Rude, leave us," he'd ordered.

Reno hadn't moved an inch. He didn't take orders from Rufus, not yet. He'd waited for Tseng's word before moving off, Rude at his side. Rufus never had explained to him exactly what he'd said to Tseng, or why he couldn't reveal his little plan to all of them.

Looking back now, everything Rufus had done and how he'd done it had seemed like a cry for Tseng's attention. Reno imagined Rufus's voice. _You can't ignore me Tseng. I'm going to save you all, and you're going to see what a magnificent bastard I am. I will have your attention Tseng, I will have your obedience, and I will have your love._

Was it really about Tseng all along? No, Rufus had saved them all and Reno wouldn't forget that. Rufus was their patron, and by saving them he'd bound the Turks to him for life

Reno looked over the assembled Turks, all his former comrades; all back home again safe and sound. He'd never thought he'd live to see the day. This is what Rufus had given them, a chance to live, and be reunited.

In return, Rufus had their loyalty. They had remained at Shin-ra for his sake, even when it meant obeying unspeakable orders. People talk about dying for someone as if it's the ultimate sacrifice, giving your life. Truth is, dying's easy, living not so much. Not when you've done evil, giving your life is a fucking piece of cake, but Reno had given his soul. Reno didn't sell his soul to Shin-ra, he gave it freely for Rufus. For Rufus's sake he'd become a monster so that he could be there when Rufus needed him to be a hero.

Reno had thought they'd live to see a better world, a better Shin-ra under Rufus's control, but by the time Rufus had any say it was all ready too late to save the company, and maybe too late to save the world.

Still, if it had to end, at least the Turks would go out together. Rufus had given them that gift, their people safe and united, and ready to save as many lives as possible because maybe, just maybe, there was still a tomorrow to look forward to.

"Veld!" Tseng called out to their former commander. Reno had never seen Tseng looked so over whelmed or so happy.

"Everyone!" called Reno. There were so many people to great, to hug, to take by the shoulder with two hands, if only there were time.

"Big sister, you came!" cried Elena. She wasted no time running towards Rosalind, but it was Roz who practically tackled her to the ground hugging her. "I can't believe you're really here."

"Oh course I am, baby sister," said Rosalind, kissing her forehead and running her hands through Elena's hair. Standing together they could have passed for twins, smiling together even as they cried.

After greetings were exchanged the Turks all gathered round. Tseng looked to Veld, expectantly, just like he'd done years ago. Like nothing had changed since Veld left.

"Sir, what's wrong?" asked Veld. "Hurry and give us our orders."

Tseng looked taken aback by Veld's words, and Tseng really wasn't a easy guy to shock. Tseng was…no…Tseng was just the same as any of them. They were all just lost kids trying to grow into someone worth being. To Reno it seemed that despite his years, Tseng was just a boy shocked to discover he'd become the man Veld had always wanted him to be. There could no higher compliment than Veld's deference, no greater praise than to be called Sir.

And Tseng looked so surprised. Maybe Tseng wasn't so perfect after all. Maybe he wasn't just all cool confidence and was just as insecure as Reno or any other man. Had Rufus's confession of love been a surprise too? Well, if Rufus had to love someone else, at least it was someone worthy of it. Reno couldn't deny that.

There was pain still, thinking about it. He loved Rufus, from those first stolen kisses to the last one they'd shared tonight. Even if Rufus had never and could never love Reno as much, Reno wasn't going to regret a single moment he'd had with him. Because it didn't matter if it was all broken mess, there'd been something when they were together that made it all worth it. He'd take it all, the joy and the pain, because it was the greatest thing he'd ever known.

And he wouldn't be jealous of what Tseng had with Rufus or waste time being bitter about what he didn't have. It was fucking stupid. Besides, he couldn't be angry about anything right now, not even the world ending, because at that moment, everything felt right. The Turks were back together, everyone back together. These were his people. This was where he belonged. Reno stood at attention, ready to follow whatever command Tseng would give.

"Turks!" called Tseng. "It's urgent that we evacuate the remaining citizens."

"Roger!" everyone responded in perfect unison.

So this was it, the last order Reno and the Turks would ever carry out, but Reno couldn't think of anything better. They'd gotten Rufus out of Midgar alive and well enough to give them their final orders. Now, reunited with the family he thought he'd never see again, Reno felt like he didn't have any regrets to leave behind anymore, and he'd never been more glad.


	11. Love Takes Hostages

_""Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't as for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages._

_― Neil Gaiman, _The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones__

* * *

><p>What had happened with Tseng was a long time coming. Tseng had been there for him his whole life. Even after Rufus did everything possible to drive him away. Perhaps that's why Rufus had fallen in love him. Because after Rufus's betrayal he was the first to assure him that he'd be at his side.<p>

Maybe it was then that Rufus had really fallen in love with Tseng, more than just boyish infatuation and near foolish admiration of his steel cold perfection. Rufus would never have acted on his feelings, of course. It didn't seem proper, Tseng was so much older and his mentor besides. In any case, Rufus never would have imagined that Tseng might return his affections, but hadn't they grown closer over the years?

After his treasonous affair with AVALANCHE, the President had done no more as punishment than to ground him indefinitely like a il behaved child that he would rather lock up and forget. While in the Turk's custody Rufus had been confined to a room on a secret floor in the Shin-ra building. During those years Tseng had visited often, and there had been a lot of time to talk. By the end of it, there were no secrets between the two men.

Tseng had confessed he'd been the one to bring Rufus's mother in.

"She tried to see me?" asked Rufus.

"She tried to take you," Tseng had corrected. "You understand why your father would never-"

"Of course not, I'm his heir," said Rufus, "and he'd never let anything he considers his property be taken. Still, it's good to know that someone cared for me. I…I sometimes got quite angry at my mother, thinking about what she did. I understand that he didn't love her, that she'd want to find some happiness, but she had to have known what would happened if he found out. Her life wasn't hers to risk, she should have…" He'd stopped himself then and shook his head. "Sorry, I'm being stupid."

"For expecting your mother to put you before herself?" asked Tseng.

"For expecting that of anyone," said Rufus. "Doesn't it sound too good to be true?"

"Veld once told me that as a Turk, I must put the success of the mission before all else, but when my life was in danger he risked everything to save me."

"And now he's risking everything for his daughter," said Rufus, "and you're risking everything to avoid seeing him die for that. You're playing a very dangerous game Tseng, you know, but there's no other way. Unlike me, you're a good son."

"Veld isn't-"

"In every way that counts," said Rufus. "It isn't blood that makes family, not really. My father will always be my father by blood, and maybe more. I can't escape the fact I am his son, but it doesn't feel like family. Not the way it should, but maybe that's just more foolishness. That anyone would be there for me like that."

Except, Tseng _had_ been there for him like that. During his teenage years, Rufus rationalized that Tseng's constant vigilance was nothing more than a Turk's loyalty to his assignment, but no one had ordered Tseng to be kind to him or keep him company during his long years as a prisoner.

All the same, Rufus hadn't truly realized what Tseng meant to him until he'd thought he'd lost him.

After the Turks saved Rufus from the wreckage of the Shinra building they'd brought him to the hospital. Tseng had been the only one in the room when Rufus returned to consciousness. For a moment, Rufus had thought he'd died, or that it was some dream. Then Tseng had put a hand on his shoulder and Rufus knew he was real.

"You're alive," Rufus had said.

"So are you," Tseng had replied. Their eyes had met, and all the things Rufus had never said to him that he'd wish he'd said once he thought Tseng was gone, came to mind. Except Rufus hadn't said anything at all. Instead he'd pulled Tseng close and kissed him, without so much as caring if he should. He hadn't cared about anything in that moment, not even Reno or what it would mean if he found out, he was thoughtless and lost in the moment.

Rufus had not meant for Reno to see that, he did not wish to hurt him. If Rufus was cruel, it was out necessity at best carelessness at worse, but he never wished to deliberately harm anyone just for the sake of doing it. Still, regardless of what he meant to do, Rufus could not deny he'd hurt Reno.

Rufus and Reno's arrangement had never included monogamy. Rufus was not a possessive man; if Reno slept with other people it was his business. It wasn't just the kiss that had hurt Reno; it was that Rufus loved Tseng and Reno didn't think Rufus loved him.

"I know you love Tseng," said Reno, "but I want you to love me, because you're everything to me. I want you to know that."

When Reno said 'I know' it meant 'I saw'; Rufus could hear it in his voice right there with his pain. The delight he'd felt at Reno's confession of love turned to ash. He'd hurt Reno, and Reno didn't believe that he loved him.

'I _want _you to love me.'

Rufus didn't have a chance to reassure Reno before his lover covered his mouth in a kiss. Then all there was to do was kiss him back.

His mouth tasted of the cigarette he'd been smoking, the same brand he'd smoked since he was seventeen. They'd tried their first cigarettes together, because smoking after sex seemed like the thing to do. It was Reno's idea, and Rufus hadn't objected. They'd shared a single light, touching cigarettes to flame as they held them in their mouths. Rufus had nearly choked, but Reno had gotten a taste for the things. To Rufus, the taste of the cigarette and the taste of Reno would always be linked. Reno tasted like everything Rufus knew of desire.

Reno broke the kiss far too soon and pulled away. He was going to leave without another word. Didn't he even want to hear Rufus's reply, or was he so sure he didn't want to know Rufus's answer?

That hurt too.

After all these years, Rufus thought Reno would have trusted him, at least enough to entertain the possibility that he might love him. Perhaps Rufus had cried Kalm Wolf too many times by insisting he didn't love Reno and now Reno couldn't believe it. Reno loved him, but he did not trust him. Perhaps Rufus deserved the hurt he felt now because he'd hurt Reno. It was only fair.

It seemed Rufus had a talent for hurting Reno, never intentionally, but perhaps intent was irrelevant.

* * *

><p>Years ago, when Rufus was first put under house arrest by the Turks, after his dealings with Avalanche were revealed, so explosively, at Corel, it was Reno who had come to him first, taking out his fury with a swift punch before railing at Rufus. Rufus heard the hurt behind the rage, the unspoken 'how could you?'<p>

The answer was in fact, 'oh very easily.' He hadn't wanted to see the Turks dead, but when it came right down to it he'd told Fuhito to kill them all with no exception. If their deaths were what it took to win, then so be it. Rufus could not afford to let his emotions hinder him.

It wasn't that Reno had never meant anything to him.

At sixteen, Rufus had liked Reno very much.

Rufus's father had never been one for showing affection. His mother and father had barely seemed to touch, but his father would sometimes take him aside to show him some sparkling trinket he'd bought for his mother. Then, when Rufus did something that pleased his father there were always presents. So perhaps somewhere in his mind it had been ingrained that gifts were an acceptable way to show someone you liked him.

If it had been possible, Rufus would have made Reno his boyfriend. He would have bought him new clothes as a gift and taken him out to all the best places. Even though Rufus knew he should not care about Reno, Rufus had wanted to show him how much he was valued. Rufus would have given him anything. Once he'd saved up his own allowance for months to buy these ungodly expensive sheets just so he and Reno could destroy them together. Nothing was worth more to Rufus than the time he spent with Reno; everything else, gold threaded sheets included, was worthless in comparison.

At twenty Rufus would have had Reno killed without a moment's hesitation. Not because Reno didn't matter, but because he couldn't matter.

"I'm not going to apologize for what I did," said Rufus. "It was my life or yours. Kings don't put pawns before themselves."

"So that's all I am to you?" asked Reno.

It was a question Rufus could not answer. Rufus had done what he felt was necessary. Reno called it dirty, but sometimes survival required such deeds. Rufus had thought a Turk would understand that.

"You've done some dirty things yourself. The only difference is where our loyalties lie. Your loyalty is to the Turks, to Shin-Ra. My loyalty is to myself."

"You are Shin-ra," came a voice. The men turned to see Tseng standing at the door. "Even if you despise your father, you cannot change who you are. You are his son, and the future president of this company. As such, our loyalty is still to you Rufus, or will be one day. If you were anyone else you would be dead for what you did. I'd make sure of it personally. But you're Rufus Shinra. You are our future."

Tseng had made it clear that no matter what happened his loyalty was to Rufus. If Rufus earned it, he would have his second chance.

"You aren't angry?" asked Rufus. He'd expected Tseng to want to tear him apart as much as Reno had.

"Angry? I'm seething," said Tseng. "But Veld taught me that part of my job is keeping my emotions in check. And right now I need you to understand we aren't your enemies. You will be punished, but it won't be because we hate you. It will be because you are getting what you deserve. That is what you must accept. Part of looking out for someone is ensuring that they learn from their mistakes."

Rufus had lived his whole life guarded by the Turks, Tseng especially, but over the years he'd come to think of it more as them following orders rather than looking out for him. They only one who'd ever really looked out for Rufus was...Reno.

They had met as children. Rufus had run off to the slums and Reno had helped him, although he couldn't stop him from being kidnapped. Then just when Rufus had all but given up hope, Reno had appeared to save him.

"You came back for me!" he said, careful to keep his voice low despite his enthusiasm. Reno didn't have to do this, but he had anyway. He really cared about Rufus after all, even though he had no reason to. It certainly wasn't in Reno's interest to risk a rescue like this.

"Well, yeah," said Reno. "I said I'd look after you, yo. Couldn't do that very well if I let them shoot me back there, but I've been tailing you the whole time. I'm good like that. I've got a tone of useful skills, yo. Including..." Reno let his tongue stick out as he concentrated, moving the lock pick ever so slightly. "...lock picking." There was a click, and the door slid opened.

Reno had saved his life back then, and for no other reason than because Reno was….his friend. No matter what Rufus had said to the contrary; Reno cared about him. It seemed that Tseng cared as well and it was more than just orders that kept him loyal. He believed in Rufus.

Reno and Tseng had both believed in him.

"What about you, Reno?" asked Rufus. "Do you still want to look after me?" He had not expected a yes. Reno was his first-his only real friend, and later he'd been his lover but Rufus had thought it could never be and been so caught up in his schemes. Rufus had tried to kill him, and it didn't matter that he'd seen no other option at the time…

Reno looked long and hard before he finally spoke. "Honestly, I wouldn't mind hitting you again and not stopping until you're good and bloody," said Reno.

Rufus all but nodded, he didn't blame Reno.

"But," Reno continued, "the thing is. I always sort of saw you as one of us. Like back in the old days when you used to hang around, and just, the way you are. You're one of our kind, and like I said, I don't turn on my own. If you want me to forgive you, well then you're going to have to make up for this. But I'll give you a chance, yo."

Rufus Shinra had never believed in second chances or that anymore might show him unconditional concern. His father's approval, which was the closest thing to affection Rufus expected to get from his father, had always been very conditional. His mother had been dead for years, and although Rufus thought she might have loved him in that sort of ideal unconditional way, she had still been absent and distant for most of his life. Really, Rufus had no idea what it meant to have someone who would still care for him even when he deserved it the least until Tseng told him that he planned to look after him, and Reno had said he would give him a chance.

* * *

><p>Years passed, Rufus was moved from his temporary prison in the Turk's interrogation room to a more permanent prison on a hidden floor in the Shinra building, and Reno spent almost as much time with Rufus as Tseng had, if not more by the end.<p>

During that time, Reno developed the habit of spending time with Rufus, talking to him about everything or nothing. The visits were short at first and tense, but over time they'd come to be more at ease around each other. After three years, the visits felt positively friendly.

Then Rufus crossed a line, and they had never turned back.

On that particular day, they were sitting on a couch, Reno with his head in his hands as he told Rufus about the mission he'd been on. Reno had just returned from Cosmo Canyon. He and a partner had been assigned to pick up a specimen for Hojo, some endangered species that were apparently the "Guardians of the Planet". It was obvious to Rufus that the whole affair had left Reno feeling worse than he tried to let on. Rufus might not have always understood Reno's feelings, but he'd grown quite adept at reading him.

Of course, anything having to do with Hojo was bad news. Rufus looked forward to the day when he'd have the power be rid of the man. Obviously, it would take time, no sense killing a goose that might yet have a golden egg to give. As long as the science department was still of use he'd suffer Hojo to live, but the day would come when an unfortunate lab accident would be arranged.

For now, however, Rufus could offer Reno precious little comfort. Reno was a Turk, he had orders and he'd carried them out.

"At least you let him carry out that ritual. That must have been something to see," said Rufus, "and it was kind of you to allow it."

"Don't give me the credit, wasn't my idea. I just…I don't like thinking what's going to happen to that thing now that Hojo has him."

"Then don't think about it," said Rufus. "You've got so much on your mind with everything that's happening. You deserve to relax, you know." Rufus leaned over and pressed his lips to Reno's. Reno drew back in surprise, but Rufus just grinned and moved closer, kissing him more forcefully this time. Reno shoved him back.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" asked Reno.

It took Rufus a moment to recover. "What? Don't you want me anymore?" asked Rufus.

"What are you playing at Shinra?" asked Reno.

Rufus drew away, he disliked being called by his last name: his father's name. Not to mention how impersonal it sounded. He'd always been Rufus to Reno, if not just Kid. As much as he protested the nickname, there was something sweet in the familiarity.

"I don't know what-"

"Bullshit," said Reno. "Nothing's innocent with you, everything's part of some game. You think because we've been talking all friendly like that I'm going to fall back into your arms. Then what? Oh Reno, these missions you're sent on. You hate them so much. Why don't you help me, we can get rid of my father then everything will be better? Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

"You think…" Rufus shook his head and took a deep breath. He was quite practiced in keeping calm. Rufus raked his hand through his hair and turned away. "Oh well, of course you do, and here I thought after all these years you'd let it go."

"After all these years I haven't heard so much as an I'm sorry," said Reno.

"What difference do words make?" asked Rufus. "You wouldn't believe me even if I did apologize. So then what about you? What are you up to Reno? You've been coming in here more and more over the years, why? Why do you even talk to me?"

"Because…" he fell silent and looked away.

"Because Tseng ordered you to?" asked Rufus.

"No, just that…I guess I missed talking to you…I like talking to you. But that doesn't mean I'm going to let you…You remember what I told you after you were captured and Tseng made that speech about looking after you. I said I'd give you chance, but that doesn't mean I trust you. When you prove I _should_ trust you, then things will change."

Rufus moved from his seat on the couch and began to pace. "Reno, even if I were trying to seduce you, you know as well as I do that it wouldn't work. I don't think you're that pathetic."

"Really?" asked Reno. He was on his feet as well. "You must have thought I was pretty damn pathetic, the things I let you get away with when you were fucking me. I let you treat me like a fucking dog and-"

"What?" asked Rufus. "Is that what you think? I treated you-"

"You might have liked me a bit, maybe I earned some affection, like that guard hound of yours, or maybe less. Reno the Turk, a fucking exotic pet that you could spoil and order around."

"Reno!" Rufus cried, but Reno didn't stop taking. He went on like he'd been waiting years to get it all out.

"Sure, I might bite sometimes, and pretend to be less than tame, but that was all part of the fun, right? Because, in the end, they both we knew who was the master. Fuck you, Rufus."

Rufus stood still, it was like he'd been slapped, but this was worse. When Reno had hit him, all those years ago. That had been easy to deal with; he'd barely been fazed, but to hear him say these things... "I was only…"

"What?" asked Reno. "You get off on you own power, on how fucking spoiled you are. What did you do when you didn't have me to waste your money on? Buy priceless things and toss them over for Dark Nation to tear apart?

"Is that really what you think of me?" asked Rufus. "Even then? I can understand not trusting me, now. I tried to kill you, after all and you seem incapable of getting it through your head that it was nothing personal but…but then? When I'd done nothing but…I wanted to show you that I…that you were worth more to me than anything, that I'd give you anything that it was in my power to give. Maybe not love, but something…" Rufus's voice had never come so close to breaking, and he couldn't stop the tears.

Contrary to his reputation, Rufus was in fact human.

"Rufus," Reno began. He took a step closer and reached out to put a hand on his shoulder.

"No! Don't touch me!" Rufus barked. "I don't want you to touch me. You know what I find hilarious about all this?" Rufus asked, his laugh could have been mistaken for a sob. "I never questioned your motives. I never thought you were with me because I had money or even for the sex, surely there were other boys you could have fucked. I thought you…I could be myself with you. I didn't have to be Rufus Shinra I could just…be."

Reno seemed unsure what to say. Rufus wondered if he thought this was an act to, part of some elaborate ploy for sympathy.

"You know," said Rufus. "If I _were_ going to trick someone into helping me, it would be Tseng. He's in a position of power, and he's the one who jumped at giving me a second chance." He ran a hand through his hair, pushing the bangs away from his face. Once he'd regained his composure he continued. "He's a bit idealistic when it comes to me, as though I'm some chosen one. I wonder if he talks to that girl, the Ancient, in the same tone…" Rufus shook his head. "Don't get me wrong. Tseng has always been there for me, as guardian and teacher, but to him I'll always be Rufus Shinra. I thought that to you…I might be just…just that boy who quite literally fell into your life and made it so much more difficult."

"You…you were," said Reno, "but you ain't exactly easy to get close to…and you ain't dumb, not by any stretch of the imagination. What was I supposed to think you meant by throwing all these gifts at me? Things a slum rat like me could never afford. That you wanted me to kiss your feet like I didn't have a scrap of pride?"

Rufus shrugged, it honestly hadn't occurred to him that Reno would feel…humiliated by the gifts. "If you felt that way, then why did you stay?" asked Rufus. "You were sleeping with me before Veld ordered you to."

Reno had opened his mouth to reply, but fell silent when Rufus mentioned Veld's orders. He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, looking away. "You found out about that?"

"You're surprised?" asked Rufus. "I must confess, it made it easier to break things off. I couldn't be with you in any case, not with the course I'd determined to pursue, but…knowing that I couldn't be with you regardless made it easier to quit you."

"I wasn't with you because he ordered me to be," said Reno. "Nothing would have changed, it just meant we could be together and there wasn't any danger anymore. Yeah, we'd have to make sure your father didn't find out, but we'd have help keeping it all covered off up. It made things safer, and I…I wanted you safe."

"Then what if you'd grown tired of me?" asked Rufus. "You'd have carried on pretending to want me, because you were ordered to keep me satisfied. Honestly, I'd like to slap Veld for treating you like a whore, and for thinking I would take one. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who's only with me because I'm paying them, or because I'm rich and give them nice things. I wanted to be with you, because I thought you wanted to be with me, simple as that. I wasn't an assignment to you, and I…I relished that."

Reno sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry," said Reno. "I should have refused."

"You can't refuse orders," said Rufus. "But you could have told me. Then, if you wanted to break it off, I could have pretended to break it off with you. Then you would have gone to Veld and said there was nothing you could do. That way, you would have still been able to say no. Oh but…you never answered my question. Why did you stay with me Reno? Why put up with me if you thought it was all some cruel game I was playing?"

"Because you were just that kid that fell out of nowhere," said Reno, "all bravado and barely hid pain. You were like fire and I could never look away, but as much as you like to think you don't need anyone, you needed someone back then and I wanted to be that person from the start. You said we couldn't be friends, but I wasn't about to let that stop me."

"You saved my life when we first met," said Rufus. "When those thugs took me you somehow managed to track me down and get me out of that cell. When you were shot I…I'd never been so afraid. No when I fell from the plate or even when I thought of what those people were going to do to me. I begged Veld to help you, and…I don't think I've ever begged for anything, before or since. You were the only one who ever tried to be my friend…I suppose I…appreciated it." Rufus moved to sit back down on the couch. "I won't try to kiss you again. I wasn't thinking…you just looked so distraught and I wanted to…"

Reno knelt down and cupped Rufus's face in his hands and kissed him.

Rufus pulled back, this time. "You know we can't do this," he said.

Reno sat down beside him and sighed. "Yeah, we ain't kids anymore."

"Indeed," said Rufus, "we're not so stupid as to think we can carry on and—" Then Reno kissed him again, and neither pulled away. It was hard and rough and Rufus's hands were already under Reno's dress shirt. There was fumbling with buttons, tearing off clothes. Reno always carried lube and condoms.

He always carried cigarettes too, and afterwards, as they lay wet and sticky on the couch, Rufus asked for one. In truth, Rufus always thought there was something appealing in certain clichés.

Cigarette hanging loosely in one hand, he leaned in, drunk on the after glow and kissed Reno's neck. "Well then, aren't we stupid?" he asked, "How the hell did that just happen?"

"No idea," said Reno, "but it felt right."

"For me, sure," said Rufus, "I haven't had a good fuck in years, but you? There are plenty of nice blonds in Midgar and I bet they'd be the ones buying you drinks."

Reno laughed and shook his head. "Did I ever tell you a guy once offered to pay _me_ a hundred gil to suck _my_ dick?"

"No, really?" asked Rufus. He actually laughed. "So then why are you here, doing something we both know could be suicidal, when you could have anyone?"

"Because I don't want just anyone," said Reno, "well, not as much as I want this…We're really fucked aren't we?"

"Thoroughly," said Rufus, "but…the same rules apply as always. We can't fall in love, and it should be easy for you not to love me. I did try to kill you once, and I never apologized. You don't trust me. Just lust is better, all things considered." Rufus took a long drag of the cigarette.

"Because you don't love, or have friends, or care about shit," said Reno, "just like old times."

"Because if I claimed to love you, I'd be a liar. People who love each other would give everything, even their life. I don't have anything I can give, certainly not my life, because that's not really mine is it? It's like I'm just a part of something planned and all I can do is try to live up to that expectation. Getting attached to people would just…make things more complicated. It wouldn't do to have me take a bullet for you, would it? We really should stop this, you know." Except, they hadn't stopped. Being together was inevitable, like water building behind a dam during a storm, eventually it would break and nothing could stop it.

* * *

><p>Rufus thought that during their time together then, Reno had come to understand him. After he'd saved Turks; Rufus knew he had Reno's trust. At least in so far that Rufus was on his side. Still, there had been times when it was clear that Reno was a better man than Rufus, less willing to be callous.<p>

After his father's death, Tseng and Reno had come to collect him from Junon. As he readied himself to leave, Rufus had mentioned his plans for the company's direction.

"My father was in many ways a fool. He was blinded by his arrogance, and had far more bark than bite."

"And you plan to be more bite?" asked Reno.

If Rufus was annoyed at his interruption he didn't show it, but continued on. "_All_ bite," Rufus responded. "A true threat doesn't need to bark to show it's dangerous, people know by its actions. My father ruled by money and power, the good will of the people. Like "AVALANCHE's attack" on Sector 7. Your handiwork on his orders?"

"Yeah," said Reno, crossing his arms. He didn't sound happy about it.

Rufus turned and looked at him, looking carefully for the first time. The mission hadn't left Reno unscathed. He was bruised and stitched, there were bandages showing from beneath his dress shirt. He shouldn't have been up and about, Rufus was sure, but he also knew Reno wasn't the easiest person to confine to a hospital bed. Tseng would probably keep him off most missions for a while, but Rufus supposed flying them to Midgar wouldn't be too strenuous. Reno could practically fly in his sleep.

"Well why on Gaia would you want the people to think it was a successful attack by AVALANCHE instead of taking credit for it? A successful attack by our enemies makes us look weak. A willingness to strike at our enemies no matter the cost, now that's strength."

"A lot of people were killed, yo," said Reno. "It's not exactly something to be proud of."

Reno had given _that _look then. Almost disgust and something like a warning. Clearly Reno wasn't proud of what he had done, and yes, of course a lot of people had died, but Rufus didn't see the point about getting upset. It couldn't be changed after the fact, and if deaths were necessary then that's how it had to be. Still that look made him feel ashamed.

"The collateral damage _was _necessary, was it not?" asked Rufus.

Once the Turks gave him more details about exactly what had happened, and why, Rufus was furious that it had been allowed to happen. It was wasteful and stupid, destroying an entire section of the city to destroy a handful of terrorists?

Rufus Shinra did not believe in needlessly throwing away lives or resources. All the same, if his father was so set on that senseless course of action, he should have at least used it to send a message. What was the point of putting money into a cover-up that made Shin-ra look like the incompetent victims of an attack?

Maybe the 'correct' response would have been disgust over the whole thing, rather than annoyance at the cover up. He should have been sad people died instead of livid that they'd been killed _unnecessarily._

Sometimes Rufus wondered what Reno thought of him in those moments when he seemed somehow shocked or disappointed. The fact that Reno was a hardened killer somehow made the fact Rufus could fall short of _his _standards even worse.

Rufus Shinra did not see the point of caring, but was not in the habit of lying to himself. He cared about what Reno thought, and underneath his defensiveness and anger that Reno would dare judge him when had no idea what it meant to be Rufus Shinra, there was guilt that he'd let him down. Rufus hated that guilt and did his best to ignore nor it. Guilt and self-raking were indulgences he could not afford.

Besides, by the end of Rufus's explanation of his plans Reno was on his side.

Rufus summed up his feelings on Sector 7 While Tseng and Reno listened intently. "I regret that the plan was carried out," said Rufus. "Midgar is my city. Of course I wouldn't have supported it. It's like using a chain saw for something requiring a scalpel! Civilian causalities at that scale, it's unacceptable, unthinkable unless benefits outweigh the cost. Here they clearly do not. My point is this. If in the future, loss of life is a _necessary_ price, I will not hesitate and I will not be afraid to act openly."

"What? So brand new, no secrets Shinra?" scoffed Reno. "Think we're about to lose half of our job, chief?" the redhead asked Tseng.

"By no means," said Rufus. "Company image is important, and some things must be done to ensure public wellbeing and faith. However, when it comes to image, I say that it is better to be feared than loved, as long as you aren't hated. Never be hated, that's what my father never understood. Shin-ra's actions created enemies regardless of what we tell the press, because it's the ones we have cut that are out for our blood. Needlessly killing and ruining lives creates hatred, and that is a threat to our control.

Even those who aren't directly hurt by Shinra have little love for liars. Lies create hatred. Nobody likes being taken for a fool. People will forgive a politician for starting a war more easily than they will forgive him for lying to them. Lying breeds disrespect. Even the strictest of rulers are never hated or despised as much as liars.

Under my new policies there will not be such wasteful actions and instead of lies I will give the people brutal honesty, if you defy Shinra you will pay. I will use any means necessary to crush our enemies. By making it public knowledge that to be an enemy of Shinra is to be as good as dead, we'll ultimately have fewer enemies. I'm not saying that there won't be people who will need to be quietly dealt with, but I am saying is that public executions have their benefits."

Reno smirked, "All right, all right, kid's got style. I like it."

"Reno!" Rufus snapped. "If you call me kid again-"

"Right, right, boss. Boss's got style. Seriously yo, you think like a Turk. A little fear can go a long way in making things go smooth-like."

At the end of the day, Rufus and Reno were both cut from the same blood stained cloth. Even if Reno was of higher quality, and sometimes couldn't understand the way Rufus thought Reno had always given Rufus the benefit of the doubt and he apologized when he got him wrong.

Then why couldn't Reno trust him to say I love you?

* * *

><p>When Reno tried to run from the room, Rufus called after him. "Reno!"<p>

But Reno was already out the door. How dare he? Rufus would not let him leave like this. "Wait!" he called again.

"Yeah?" asked Reno.

Rufus was so relieved Reno had come back. His lover, on the other hand, looked like a man awaiting a death sentence, he could barely speak. Did he really think Rufus would hurt him? "Reno, I have something to say too," said Rufus. A thousand things he wanted to say came to mind. _Why don't you trust me, I've proven myself trustworthy in all other matters, why not in this? It was only a kiss. I know I said I loved Tseng, and I do, but that doesn't mean I don't love you too. All those years when I said it was just a game and that I didn't love you I was_…no Rufus hadn't been lying exactly. _Trying to make it true, because I was afraid. _

All those years when he said he could not love Reno, he was being honest, because love wasn't something Rufus ever put much stock in. It didn't do anyone any good at the end of the day, not love alone certainly, in fact love could be as harmful as helpful. Above all, it would not have been fair to claim he loved Reno when he could not live up to the task.

Now, however, with his empire in ruins, Rufus felt for the first time that his life was his own and maybe he could give it. Hopefully not by dying for Reno, not anytime soon, neither of them would want such a thing, but maybe by living for him. There was no denying his feelings now. That he loved Reno was a fact he'd come to terms with and all there was left to do was tell him while he still had a chance. To tell him everything and explain…Rufus ran a hand through his hair. "I…well there's actually a lot to say, but I…what happened with…I…"

"Boss," Reno cut him off yet again. "I've really gotta go. Can't be late for the end of the world, right?"

The end of the word. Rufus could have laughed. How stupid to think there was still time. If the world ended, it wouldn't make one bit of difference if Reno knew he loved him or not. Rufus's love would do nothing to save his life. It wouldn't change anything.

Unless - well, unless Rufus actually said everything he wanted to say and begged Reno to stay with him until the bitter end. It hadn't been easy to send the Turks away, and their protestations hadn't helped.

Reno had joined in too; and Rufus's resolve had been so near breaking at his words. "We don't want to leave you alone," said Reno. "If it's…if we're clocking out, we should all be together. We're Shinra, we stick together."

Damn him, didn't he understand that Rufus was trying to do the right thing? Trying to be the strong, inspiring leader they needed at a time like this, the leader he was born to be. There was no way he could possibly rationally justify asking them to stay, allowing them to stay. He would not let them lose their chance to do some good for his sake. Either the world ended and it didn't matter if they were there or not, or the world survived and they'd wasted precious time by staying. Time that could save lives. Rufus was not a child, he didn't need anyone worrying at his bedside.

It was base sentiment; it was pointless. No…not pointless, feeling love was never pointless, it was powerful and it was…an unavoidable truth. And Rufus had no doubt that all the people in that room, his Turks, loved him in their way. He was their sovereign, their patron, and it was nothing less than a sort of love that held them there. All the same, there was no rational basis to allow them to stay, he could not justify what was in the end irrational.

Rufus could not let his resolve falter now, it was still irrational to want Reno to stay. What was the point of feelings? What value did they have practically? What value in trying to convince Reno that he loved him when the Turk was so eager to believe otherwise?

It was just as before, after his betrayal at Corel he could not hope for Reno to trust him until he'd proven himself trust worthy. He could not merely say that he loved him; he had to prove somehow. He _would _prove it, if by some miracle there were time. Because he could _not_ bear to say those words until he was certain that Reno would believe him.

"Promise me you'll come back," said Rufus. "If the world doesn't end, you have to come back, you cannot die out there. I forbid it. We have unfinished business you and I…and I…I need you to come back."

"Yes, sir," said Reno. Just like a Turk, but the smirk was all Reno. Then he paused a final time for one last kiss. Rufus didn't want to let him go. He wanted to beg him to stay, but when the kiss was broken he stayed silent until Reno was safely out of the room.

"I love you," said Rufus, after Reno was long gone. If he ever returned, Rufus would tell him them and he'd do more than just that. He'd show him, somehow. Rufus had never been able to tolerate empty words, and what could be more empty than telling someone you loved them after it was too late for it to matter? The world might end and they all might die and telling Reno he loved him would not make the slightest difference.

To believe otherwise was…pointless.

Rufus reached for the bottle of painkillers on his bedside table and took another dose. Then he lay back and tried to rest. As he lay there he wondered if he'd wake for the end of the world or just slip into oblivion without waking, but then sleep took him and he thought no more.

* * *

><p>He wasn't sure how much time had passed when he awoke. All he knew was that the world had yet to end. It must have been hours for the pills to have worn off, and the throbbing pain in his side coupled with his return to consciousness told him that they had indeed worn off.<p>

By now the Turks were on patrol in Midgar, and Rufus was utterly alone. He would have given anything to be with them there, doing something at the end of the world instead of lying in bed, passively waiting for it to happen. It wasn't the prospect of dying alone that bothered him, but the prospect of dying here and now, helpless to do a damn thing that made him angry.

Besides, there was nothing the Turks could have done to ease his mind if they were here in any case. So better they go where they could be of some use. It was practicality, nothing more…

Or perhaps, when he got right down to it, Rufus was just too proud to have asked them to stay. Imagine Rufus Shinra asking someone to stay with him and hold his hand because they were going to die and he was afraid. Imagine indulging in something as irrational as that? Rufus laughed at the thought of that, but stilled himself when he thought he heard something or someone.

Rufus sat up despite the pain and reached for the revolver Tseng had left him. Rufus had actually been quite touched that Tseng had left him one of his own guns. Rufus knew those holsters meant a lot to Tseng. Rufus had an eye for quality; those twin holsters were true works of art, dark dragon leather with a blue sheen. They were crafted for utility as much as beauty impregnated with immunity to a range of the deadlier status effects. They were most certainly custom, equipped with slots for three materia in addition to the holster for the gun. Rufus guessed that they must have been very expensive, but he knew for Tseng their greatest value was that they were a gift from Veld.

Of course, at the moment Rufus was just grateful Tseng had had the foresight to leave him with some means of defending himself. Rufus was read to draw the instant he switched on the lamp. However, when the light flooded the room it became apparent that it wouldn't be necessary.

"I thought one of you might come back," said Rufus, "but I didn't expect it to be you."

"No, I suppose you expected Reno or Tseng?" asked Veld. "You were talking in your sleep." The former leader of the Turks pulled up a chair and took a seat. "I knew you and Reno used to be close, but Tseng?"

"I'd thought Tseng had died," said Rufus. "It was a surprise to see him again."

"Really?" asked Veld. He looked surprised, and troubled. Had Veld thought Rufus had been informed that Tseng was all right?

"Yes," said Rufus, "then again, he was probably just as surprised to see me." Rufus thought back to that moment at the hospital. That kiss he'd stolen without a second thought. No words had passed between him and Tseng, no declarations, just the simple fact they were both alive.

"I'd imagine so," said Veld. "When we saw the news about the building we feared the worst."

"Yes, I…you'll have to forgive me," said Rufus, "my mind is a little hazy; the pain killers do that to me. It's my own fault for taking them, of course, but I wasn't expecting company."

"Least of all me," said Veld.

"I knew you were alive," said Rufus. Although Veld was right, he hadn't expected him. He felt closer to the Turks who'd remained with him, but he supposed they were all his.

"Thanks to you," said Veld. "You always were a clever boy."

"Why are you here?" asked Rufus. Why was he so on edge and defensive with Veld? Because Veld had been the one person to scare him when he was younger, maybe? Because he disliked father figures or because Veld was probably wondering why Rufus had said Tseng's name in his sleep and Rufus's feelings were none of his damn business. Rufus didn't want other people to know of his closeness with Tseng, he wanted it to be his alone to know about, his secret to guard.

"I brought the remainder of the Turks to join with your forces in Midgar. I asked after you and Tseng told me where you were. You shouldn't have been left alone."

Rufus shrugged. "It's the end of the world, does it matter?" he asked. "Besides, they'll do more good out there than here." He was not justifying himself again.

"You'll do more good if you're kept safe," said Veld. "Not that you'll listen, but even if you don't have the man power to spare I'd suggested keeping someone with you. Just in case the world doesn't end. You'll have your work cut out for you then."

"So is that why you're here? To protect me?" asked Rufus.

"My people - your people, are taking care of things in Midgar. Someone should be here with you. Besides, if this is the end of the world, I wanted to thank you before the end. For what you did, for Felicia and me; for all of them."

"By the way, where _is_ Elfe?" asked Rufus. Veld spent four years looking for her and put the entire department at risk for her. Now the world was ending and he wasn't not by her side?

"Somewhere safe," said Veld. "Well, relatively speaking. We have a friend in Cosmo Canyon who's looking after her. I couldn't bring her into the thick of it in Midgar, but if it's our last mission, well I think I owed it to the Turks to lead them into it. They're all in Midgar now, all the people you saved."

"It wasn't for your sake," said Rufus. He lay back down, but turned his head to face the elderly Turk. "I did it for myself."

"So you say," said Veld. He got up and found a decanter of brandy in the liquor cabinet on the other side of the room. After pouring himself a drink he returned to his seat. "You care about the Turks?"

"I _value _them, yes," said Rufus. Although he still planned to confess his love to Reno, Rufus still hated that word, and words like it, _caring._ Rufus disliked things he could not justify.

"It seems the sentiment is mutual," said Veld. "I spoke with Tseng, he said Reno and Rude pulled you out of a emergency shelter under the building. I remember when the tower was built. It was your idea wasn't it? The escape route?"

"My father told you about that?" asked Rufus.

"We were close once," said Veld, "almost friends, but that was a long time ago. Your father had more of a sense of humor back then, enough to put in that escape hatch in the office, even though he thought it was ridiculous. Amazing foresight on your part, especially for a five year old."

"He thought I was stupid," said Rufus, "a natural born loser." He ran a hand through his hair, brushing his bangs away from his face. "My father always thought I was a loser. I was never good enough to be his son."

"If it's any consolation," said Veld. He raised his glass and took a sip. "You _were _right, and I bet you're pretty glad that you made the suggestion. Survival seems like winning to me. Besides, no one would have been good enough; you weren't him. But he _did _love you."

That word again. Rufus laughed out loud, but it was excruciating, even with the painkillers. "Oh Veld, please stop. I'll laugh myself sick."

Veld shook his head and gazed out the window. "He didn't know how to show it, I'll give you that," said Veld. "He had his empire to run, but there are plenty of less important men who make the same mistakes. Incompetent parents who love their children but indulge and neglect them, and are hated by them in return."

"He deserved to be hated," said Rufus, "and I wasn't alone in that."

"Perhaps you're right," said Veld.

"And I didn't try to kill him because I hated him," said Rufus. He laughed again, despite the pain. "I was doing exactly what a good Shinra should have done. In my way I was showing him I was worthy, the only way I could. The only way he'd see it. Not that I'm without remorse. I…" It was the end of the world. Maybe it was time to let go of his aversion to saying sorry. Pride was just another baseless sentiment, "I owe you an apology, for what I put you and your subordinates through, for the innocent lives I put in danger." Another laugh and he brushed his hair away a second time. "You probably don't believe that though, anymore than I believe my father cared for me."

"I accept your apology," said Veld, "but you've all ready done better than simply saying you're sorry. You made up for what you did. You saved us all."

"So I'm forgiven? For that at least," asked Rufus. "I'm glad to hear it."

Veld smiled and took another drink. "I think that's why you saved us," he said, "because you wanted to set things right, make up for what you did. From the fact Reno and Rude went back for you, I suppose they consider it more than even. You have their loyalty, until the end of the world, and maybe even after that. Oh, and since you managed to get out of the shelter, I imagine you guessed the passcode?"

"Yes," said Rufus.

"Did you know it was the late President's habit to use the same passcode for almost everything?" asked Veld. "Any equipment that he might be using. Didn't really have a head for memorizing different numbers, so he used the one set of numbers he'd never forget; his son's birthday."

Rufus was silent for moment. There was so much that had gone unsaid, his relationship with his father was broken beyond repair long before the Old Man died. Now it was too late.

"Why are you telling me all this?" asked Rufus.

"Because I think you should know," said Veld. "I think he would have wanted you to know."

"You think you owe him that?" asked Rufus. "You think you owe him anything after what he did? The minute you turned your back on Shin-ra you were dead to him, and he -"

"Oh I know," said Veld. "All the same I pity him, even after all he did. He drove his children away, lost one son permanently, and even though the other lived there never was much of chance for a relationship. He died alone, his only family thousands of miles away. At the very least, I hope you might remember him as more than just a monster. He cared about you, and believe me Rufus, if you didn't mean a lot to him he would have killed you years ago."

"And I would have deserved it," said Rufus. "Still, I doubt his mercy had anything to do with affection. You know what the problem is with good men, Veld?"

"What's that?" he asked.

"They know what they would do in a given situation, because it's the right thing, and because they're good men, they can't understand how anyone could do or even contemplate anything different. You probably think parents love their children absolutely and value their well being above all else, because that's what you would do."

It was Veld's turn to laugh. "I'm a Turk, Rufus," said Veld. "The things I've done, the mistakes I've made. I am hardly what you'd call a good man."

"Being a Turk and being a good person are hardly mutually exclusive," said Rufus. "At least, I don't believe that was ever your intention."

"Ah intentions," said Veld. "You don't seem the type to put much stock in intentions, it's what you do or what you don't do that matters in the end. So tell me, President Rufus Shinra, what are you going to do now?"

"Now?" asked Rufus. "Well right now I'm going to lie here and wait for the world to end. It's the fated day." Rufus smirked and pulled himself up again. It hurt to sit up, but it was easier to see that way. The bed faced an enormous balcony whose windowed doors were currently blocked by thick drapery. "Why don't you open the curtains, and we can watch together."

Veld stood and pulled the curtains open. "And if the world doesn't end?" he prompted. "What will you do the day after the fated day?"

Rufus chuckled again and smiled. "I'll be happy," said Rufus. "I'm not ready to go or for the world to go. I suppose I'll rebuild. Start from scratch. All those refugees from Midgar will need somewhere to go, a new place to call home. If we can't build out of the ashes we'll build at the edge. If Shin-ra Company is over, then the world will need a new power, some new organization for a new beginning."

"A new organization? Hmm, maybe Reeve could think of a name?" suggested Veld. "He was always good at that sort of thing. My people have been in contact with him. He's the one who saved Tseng and brought him to us. He survived, you know, and I think he, like you, would like do a bit of good for what's left of the world."

"Reeve knew Tseng was alive?" asked Rufus. He felt his anger flaring. "Why didn't he bring him back to Shinra! I thought he was dead, we all thought he was dead, do you have any idea-"

"He was safer with us, Rufus," said Veld, "you know as well I as I do that Scarlet was still out for his blood. Shin-ra might have been yours, but that didn't make it safe. You hadn't been in power long enough to weed out all the rats."

Rufus sighed, and gave a single nod. Veld had a point. "You still could have sent word or he could have," said Rufus, "he knows the Turks are trustworthy, if he'd let it slip to Reno no harm would have come from that."

"You mean he didn't?" asked Veld. He actually seemed surprised. "Well, Reeve was a traitor, maybe he didn't want to boost morale." He shook his head and took another drink.

Rufus felt his teeth clench. "He knew Tseng was alive and he didn't tell us. How can you be all right with this?" Veld certainly seemed calm.

"If it wasn't for Reeve, Tseng really would be dead," said Veld. "You're right of course, Reeve's failure to inform you was passive aggressive, and you might have to be a bit…passive aggressive yourself when yourself when you persuade him to join you, but you really should try."

"When he's clearly not trustworthy?" asked Rufus. "He's a traitor."

"There was a time that I wouldn't have let that slide, but now, well, traitors aren't really qualified to condemn other traitors, are they, Rufus? Reeve left Shinra, and became an ally of her enemies, but that could prove useful."

"Give us an in with them, you mean?" asked Rufus. "You're right, no one will believe I funded AVALANCHE. Cloud's little crew of mismatched malcontents wanted to kill me as soon as look at me. Not that I really tried to make a good impression." They hadn't exactly been polite. The self proclaimed AVALANCHE man, gun armed and furious, had touched a nerve.

_You only President 'cause yer old man died!_

That night on the roof, it had been so simple to talk down to them. Rufus really didn't like it when people questioned his qualifications. He'd show them though, he was qualified and had a plan to make everyone kneel before him, and his enemies would be dealt with swiftly. He wasn't going to try to persuade terrorists that they were on the same side, besides, the whole affair with Fuhito had put him off trying to reason with extremists. Back then, Rufus was more than willing to let these people be his enemies if that's what they wanted, perhaps crushing them would discourage further rebellion.

However, now was the time to repair burned bridges. He'd bet that he could persuade even Cloud to join him if given some time alone with him to talk things out. Reeve was AVALANCHE's ally, and he was amiable. People liked Reeve; he seemed harmless.

Of course, he was actually far from it if he was capable of any level of treason. So how could Rufus use him if he couldn't trust him? Well, he'd just have to see if he could…make Reeve open to the idea of serving him, for the good of the Planet.

Reeve wasn't really cut out to lead and they both knew it, but he would make a fine figurehead. With Rufus's visions, brain, and money to support him, Reeve could rule the world while Rufus held the real power.

Rufus would do all the work, and Reeve could have the glory, or hatred if things went wrong. Rufus wasn't petty. As much as he liked parades and having monuments with his name, he understood the advantage of being the power behind the throne. Besides, the Shinra name was tarnished and it would be years before he could regain the people's trust. They needed to start rebuilding now, they needed the people to get behind them now, and the people could get behind Reeve.

"I think I'll have to arrange a meeting with Mr. Tuesti," said Rufus, "when all this is over. I could see a very beneficial partnership forming." Rufus would rebuild Shin-ra, or possibly Rufus Co. since it would be a whole new company, and in the meantime he'd build a separate entity, unconnected to the Shinra name. It wouldn't matter that it was funded by Shin-ra money, staffed by former Shin-ra employees and publically run by a Shin-ra executive, different name and different face as the figurehead. The people wouldn't know or care, they would just need someone to turn to.

"So you agree?" said Veld.

"Of course," said Rufus, "in fact, I look forward to working with Reeve. He was the only one on the board I actually liked, except for you of course."

"You _liked _me?" asked Veld. He sounded bemused as he came to reclaim his seat.

Now that he'd said it, Rufus had to admit it was the truth. As much as Veld at times put him on edge, there was no one he respected more.

"Just because I tried to kill you once doesn't mean I didn't like you," said Rufus. "I respected you, more than my own father, in fact. You were a good man, a hard man, but better than most, especially at Shin-ra. You looked after your own, and you were smart. Well as smart as someone who cares too much can be. I always said love is the enemy of reason, or maybe that was someone else who said it and I just adopted the motto."

"Don't be so quick to discount love," said Veld, "or underestimate the power of caring. I think you care more than you let on. Tell me, you're young and wealthy, why stay and rebuild? You could easily disappear and live out the rest of your life in peace and comfort."

"At the risk of sounding like Reno, where is the fun in that?" asked Rufus. "Besides, even if Shin-ra is gone, this is still my world, and someone has to look after it. My company is responsible for the mess it's in, after all, so it's my responsibility."

"I'd tell you your father would have been proud," said Veld, "but I doubt you'd believe me. So I'll tell you this, you've come a long way Rufus." He put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm proud of you."

A flash of brilliant green light flooded the room. Even this far from Midgar they could see the Lifestream as it erupted to combat the threat from above. Rufus's eyes widened as he bore witness to the miracle.

* * *

><p><strong>A.N.: Big thanks, as always, to LicoriceAllSorts for her efforts as beta and the inspiration she gives me and special to RedCherryAmber for acting as secondary beta. <strong>

**This chapter contains a lot of references to the fic Orphans. If you're interested in the story of how Rufus and Reno first met, feel free to check it out. **


	12. As Beautiful as Life

_Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life. ~John Muir_

* * *

><p>The story of how the world was saved was not the Turk's story, not this time.<p>

Meteor was obliterated directly above Midgar. The city was destroyed but the Planet escaped destruction. In the end it was the Planet itself that was responsible for its own salvation, for in fact it was the power of the Lifestream bursting out of the Planet that saved it.

Of course, that itself was made possible by the actions of a few brave people, but at that moment when the powerful Ultimate White Magic "Holy" won against the equally powerful Ultimate Black Magic "Meteor", the people watching could only think of it as the Planet protecting itself. Most never knew how Cloud and his party had saved the world. The Turks found out later, from Reeve, but at that moment they were as much in the dark about the fate of the world as everyone else.

At that moment, as the two magics battled against each other, Reno and Rude had split away from the rest of their colleagues. They were headed back to the Shinra building to look for supplies. The streets were empty and dark except for fires raging in the distance and the sparking of broken power lines. The fire reflected in the pools of water from the rain and broken pipes. The mixture of flame and flood, dark and light made the destruction all the more otherworldly. Rude supposed it was fitting for the end of the world to look this way. He turned his gaze to his partner. At the end of the world, there was no one else Rude would have wanted more at his side.

Reno was his partner; no, more than that, his brother. Rude had been at his side from the moment Reno joined the Turks, so it was only fitting that they face the end of the world together.

Rude thought back to the first night Reno had spent at his apartment. He had made up the couch for him to sleep on, since the guest room was beingom was being used for storage. Rude had planned toplanned to clean it out before Reno got back from school. He had no doubt Veld would set up at place for Reno at the Academy by Monday, so for now the couch would have to doto do.

The next morning, Reno wasn't there. For a moment, Rude wondered if he'd dreamed up the kid and then next he was on to more realistic worries. The kid wasn't stupid enough to rob a Turk and make a run for it, was he?

Rude had seen the hovel the kid had called home. The place had been stuffed with stolen property, Shin-ra property included; Reno was lucky Veld had been lenient, even offering him a job. If the kid betrayed that and took off now…

As Rude came into the kitchen he nearly tripped over the kid. He was curled up on the tile between the fridge and the counter.

"Reno?" he asked. Rude bent down to shake the kid awake, but Reno was up in a flash. He pressed himself into the corner, fists raised as he let out a cry of surprise. "Hey," said Rude, putting his hands up.

Reno took a deep breath, and then seemed to relax. "Right," he said, "morning."

"Didn't expect to find you there," said Rude.

Reno shrugged as he got to his feet. "Couldn't sleep…too soft and…open," he said.

"You've slept on the streets, I take it," said Rude.

"There are harder things in life," said Reno. "Mom's dead, dad ain't caring about me. Being cold, hungry, uncomfortable…all that's just life. Don't feel sorry for me none. I was happy there, so long as I was free."

"Do you think you'll be unhappy here?" asked Rude. He moved to start the morning's coffee. "There's cereal if you want some."

"Hell no," said Reno, "There's food here and more 'an that…I…I'm grateful, yo. To Mr. Veld, and for you for takin' me like this, even if it is just 'cause he ordered you to."

"I could have objected," said Rude. "You're welcome here, Reno."

Reno gave him an easy smile. "Been awhile since anyone said that."

Over breakfast Rude watched him tuck into his food like he was starving, drinking up the milk once he'd finished the cereal and practically licking the bowl clean. He ate like someone who knew what it meant to be starving, something Rude had never known.

Rude did not pity Reno, however. No, he did not think, _poor kid_. Instead, he thought, _tough kid._ In many ways a lucky kid, lucky to survive and make it this far. Rude doubted he'd waste a minute of the opportunity. As his mentor, Rude vowed to do his best to prepare Reno for whatever he'd have to face.

He had never imagined that they would have to face anything like this. As they made their way into the abandoned building the ground began to shake.

"Why does it have to happen now?" shouted Reno as they made a run for cover.

It felt like the whole building might come crashing down on top of them. This quake was worse than any of the tremors that had preceded it. It felt like they were running on the deck of ship during a storm. Then Lifestream erupted from ground. It burst through the windowwindow; the of light that swept through the building was like a monster destroying everything in its path.

The two Turks ran to safety, ducking into the brick stalls of the ladies' bathroom. Once, while Rude was visiting his mom in Costa Del Sol, a hurricane had struck, spawning tornados along with other severe weather. During such an event the safest place to be was in a closet or bathroom. Somewhere small, protected from debris. Rude had read that doorways were the best place to go during an earthquake. The brick cubicles of the toilet seemed like the best place to hide, or at least the best place they could get to on short notice.

"This is my fault," said Rude. He hung his head and sighed.

"What is?" asked Reno.

"If I hadn't suggested we come back to collect the toolbox, then— "

Reno would not let him finish the apology. "Forget it, man. Now's not the time to feel sorry." There was something different about Reno's voice when he spoke, and it told Rude that this was it: the end. Rude fell silent, and did not speak again until Reno broke the silence with a question.

"Rude?" Reno called out to him, as if he couldn't stand the quiet any long.

"What is it?" asked Rude.

"We've been together for a long time," said Reno.

"Yeah," said Rude. He nodded to himself. He'd been with Reno for as long as Reno had been a Turk. He'd watched him grow from a little kid fresh off the streets into a man, a Turk, who had much courage and honor as any man alive. It wasn't something everyone would recognize, the ones who saw Turks as dirty cowards who didn't know the meaning of honorable, but the Turks had their own code. The Turks had done their share of good, along with the bad, and they'd stayed strong through thick and thin.

Rude remembered the day Reno had become a killer, and what had happened a few days later.

The evening had started out normally enough. Reno got home from a mission kicked off his boots and tossed them aside along with his socks, before pulling off his jacket and throwing it over a chair. Rude had given up on telling him to hang up his uniform.

Reno's sense of professionalism did not extend to his mode of dress. It wasn't uncommon for him to sleep in his uniform and come to work the next day without brothering to change.

_Ain't like it's gonna stay all nice, anyway. Not if we get a field mission, and if I have to sleep in at some point then, might as well get used to sleeping in it._

Rude wondered if it was more a matter of Reno being too dead tired to bother changing before bed or pulling out another uniform before hopping in the shower the next morning. Of course, there was evidence to support just plain laziness.

_If I put on new clothes I have to take the time to pick out a shirt, and pants and socks, and then I have to take my belt off my pants and put in my new pants. Then I have to get my PHS and wallet out of my pockets, versus just picking up the things that are lying right there on the floor ready to go._

At first, Rude had picked up after Reno when he threw his coat off. When Reno fell asleep in his clothes, he'd wake Reno enough to get him out of his shirt and throw it in the laundry pile with his own, then lay out a new uniform for the next day. Then he'd see the shame in Reno's eyes when he'd say. _You don't have to do that. _

Rude had learned that Reno liked to do things for himself and didn't need to be looked after. So Rude let Reno take care of himself, and if we wanted to be a slob that was fine, because the moment Reno turned eighteen he was getting his own apartment and until then, he was willing to pay for a maid service. Rude could live with Reno's habits.

So long as he never 'lost' a loaded firearm in the couch cushions again, but seeing as Rude had felt obliged to report that incident to Veld, he doubted Reno would ever be that careless in the future.

As for the way Reno chose to dress, Rude tried to accept that Reno's standards were not the same as his, but that was ok.

Still, he would never understand Reno's refusal to wear a tie. _It's just asking someone to strangle you with it, yo! _When Rude pointed out that most Turks wore clip-ons for that very reason, Reno had just shrugged._ I may be a Shinra dog, but that doesn't mean I want a leash. _Rude let it go, it wasn't his job to police Reno's dress code. If Veld was willing to let it slide, then who was he to question it? He'd never question the chief, but at times he wondered if Tseng had.

He'd noticed the way Tseng regarded Reno. Rude had to give the kid some credit for not shrinking under that look. Cissnei didn't seem too impressed with Reno either. Well, the little girl was pretty cold to everyone, that was just her way, but Reno seemed to be an object of particular distaste. Although, the fact remained that Reno was the only one who'd managed to get her to crack a smile.

Rude had known Reno for years, and at this point thought nothing could surprise him. Then one night Reno swanned into the room with those things on his face. Rude had taken one look at him and done a double-take.

"What's that on your face?" He'd noticed the markings the moment Reno came in the door, bright red streaks like some kind of war paint under each eye. Rude new exactly what they were, of course. The angry pink of inflamed skin framed each dark red patch: they could only be tattoos.

"What, don't you like it, yo?" asked Reno.

"Facial tattoos?" He wondered what everyone at the office was going to say about this. Tseng's face might very well be priceless.

"Yup," said Reno. He went to the fridge and helped himself to a beer.

"Any reason?" asked Rude. Voice calm as ever. Who was he to judge? Rude had his share of piercings, which were arguably a lot worse than tattoos. A tattoo couldn't be grabbed and ripped out in the middle of combat. No that Rude would let anyone who'd think to try it be successful.

Reno flopped down on the couch beside Rude, and propped his feet up on the coffee table. "Remember the other day?" asked Reno, "when we came back to the office and I was all covered in blood?"

"After your first kill, you mean?" asked Rude. "Reno, are you doing ok?"

"What? Oh yeah, I'm fine," said Reno. He took a deep drink. "I mean…I will be."

"It'll get easier," said Rude.

Reno laughed and shook his head. "That's what I'm afraid of," he said. "That's why I got these, it's a reminder."

Rude was silent, but gave him a look that prompted him to go on.

"When we got back, Tseng took me to the bathroom to get cleaned up. While I was scrubbing my face I saw these marks, perfect streaks of blood here and here," he pointed to the messing lines on his face. "It was kinda…striking, I guess? So I took a picture in the mirror before I finished cleaning up for my debriefing. I took the picture with me when I got this done, to remind myself that even after you scrub it off the blood's still on you and so that when I do get used to the killing I can remember that it wasn't always like that. Was a time my face didn't have these marks." Reno set the bottle down, and looked to Rude to say something.

Rude put a hand on the boy's shoulder. "Violence can make you lose yourself, but no matter what happens, you're a Turk. We are more than we are as individuals; we are part of something larger. As long as you wear that suit you'll never lose that, or us."

Reno nodded, and then laughed. "Could of said that before I permanently marked my face up, yo."

"At least they suit you," said Rude.

"Yeah," said Reno, "I think they do."

That had been the day Reno came home with his face forever marked with red; forever marked as a killer.

But true to Rude's words, the Turks had always been there for both of them, and he'd done his best to be there for Reno. Now they were together at the end of the world. What could be more fitting?

"Partners right?" asked Reno.

"Yeah," said Rude.

"The best partners!" said Reno.

Rude smiled because Reno sounded like he was back to his usual self. He heard Reno leave the cubicle, and then a moment later the door of Rude's stall came flying towards him as Reno kicked it open. Rude caught the door, then kicked it back. Reno stepped aside and the ruined door clattered to the floor.

"What the hell!" asked Rude. That thing had nearly hit him.

"My last present to my best partner," said Reno, shrugging as he grinned.

"A door?" asked Rude. What was Reno playing at now?

"A thrill," corrected Reno. "The sort of thing you like."

"—Not enough," Rude replied as he left the cubicle, stepping around the remains of the door.

"Then why don't we take a look outside?" asked Reno. "I bet it's exciting. Better than hiding in here anyway."

Reno had a point. If they died, they died, and Rude doubted the bathroom walls would make much a difference. It didn't really seem like a particularly fun way to go out, cowering in bathroom.

"Sounds like a party," said Rude.

The two of them sprinted towards the front entrance of the building as the wind picked up and grew stronger around the Lifestream. It whipped over Rude's skin like the sea breeze at Costa. Beams of light bundled together, snaked their way around the Turk's body in a swirl of vibrant green. It didn't hurt; it was almost like a current of water, a bright glowing… stream.

"Woah!" shouted Reno, spreading his arms out to let the strange current ripple over him. "This…this is the Lifestream isn't it?"

Together they ran out into the swirl of light like children into the first snow of winter. The wind was gentle now, just enough to feel nice. The city wasn't screaming anymore, and somehow they knew that it was going to be all right.

They were alive.

"Reno?" called Rude.

"What?" Reno turned back toward to his partner, framed by emerald light, beneath his feet, the wet street shown like silver.

"This is the best."


End file.
